


The 11 Things That This Gay Ex-Mormon Will Achieve

by ESawyer



Category: The Book of Mormon - Ambiguous Fandom, The Book of Mormon - Parker/Stone/Lopez
Genre: Cheating, Connor is a blogger, F/M, Happy Ending, Kevin has abandoned everyone, Kevin has issues, Kevin is a teacher, M/M, Post-Uganda (Book of Mormon Musical), Smut, TW: Conversion Therapy, TW: Domestic Abuse, TW: Homophobia, arnold and nabulungi are also adorable, chris and james are adorable, hell dreams, kevin also has a praise kink, sorry this is dark, tw: sexual assault
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-19
Updated: 2019-09-26
Packaged: 2020-09-06 23:30:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 29
Words: 66,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20299726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ESawyer/pseuds/ESawyer
Summary: On the final day of his mission in Uganda, Connor writes a list of the 11 things that he will achieve upon returning home. The 11 things that he will achieve with Kevin Price by his side. Only, Kevin Price disappears from his side without so much of a goodbye and Connor is alone, unsure of what went wrong.As fate would have it though, they bump into each other in a foreign city and things spiral out of control. But what else could happen when Kevin Price is around?





	1. 6:30 AM

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is what happens when you listen to Waitress too much alright

Connor McKinley wakes up at 6:30 AM every morning because old habits are hard to break free from. His arm snakes out from beneath his duvet and he smacks his phone so hard that he hurts his hand and doesn’t even manage to turn the alarm off. It takes him a further 5 hits to turn it off, by which point he is wide awake and his hand is stinging. 

He lies in bed for a while, staring at the ceiling. This is how he spends almost every morning, and he is starting to realise that it is almost like a form of self harm. He thinks about all the things that he was meant to do after coming home from Uganda and how he hasn't done many of them. 

On the final day of his mission in Uganda, he had written a list of the things that he wanted to do. A list that still hangs above his desk. 

** _The 11 Things That This Gay Ex-Mormon Will Achieve_ **   
** **** **

_ **Move away from Utah** _

_ **Get a good job** _

_ **Adopt a dog ** _

_ **Move into a place of my own** _

_ **Decorate said place how I want ** _

_ **Keep a plant alive for move than 2 weeks ** _

_ **Travel to a new city on my own** _

_ **Fall in love ** _

_ **Travel to a new city with the person I love ** _

_ **Get married ** _

_**Live happily ever after**_

Really, he should just get rid of the list and try and move on with his life, but that is made quite difficult by the fact that the list _ is _ his life After his parents had disowned him, he started a blog called, '_The 11 Things That This Gay Ex-Mormon Will Achieve,’. _It had done even better than expected and accidentally became his job.

For some reason, people care about his life. They care about the fact that points 1, 2, 4, 5 and 7 have been achieved, and probably care even more about the fact that 8, 9, 10 and 11 have not yet been achieved. There is a particular section of his audience that are extremely bothered about the fact that Connor has yet to achieve number 6, and Connor is starting to think that it might be easier to achieve 11 than 6. 

It is the fact that he has to inform his readers that he still hasn’t achieved point 6 that forces him out of bed. It’s almost 9’ o clock by the time he actually sits down at his desk to write. He can already tell that it will be well passed lunch time when he finishes his writing because his brain is already clouded with writer's block. He can’t seem to choose the right words and re-writes his opening paragraph a grand total of 20 times (he likes to keep track of these things for his monthly round-up blog post titled, “_How Writers Block Ruined my Life This Month”. _)

Connor hates everything that he has written once he has finished it, but decides not to beat himself up about it; it isn’t scheduled to go up until the end of the week, so he has more than enough time to edit. Besides, the one that is scheduled to go up today (the eighth in a series called, _ “How Africa is Nothing Like the Lion King _”) is funny and perhaps one of the best ones that he’s ever written. His readers love hearing about his mission and it is cathartic for him to go back over his time in Uganda, even if it does make him realise how much he misses it. 

Once Connor has re-read “_ How Africa is Nothing Like the Lion King #8” _over and over again to make sure that it is perfect, he publishes it and takes his lunch break. His sits on the balcony of his New York apartment, overlooking the city. He had found the sounds of the city distracting at first, but now he finds them calming. Sometimes when he finds himself so stressed that he can barely look at his laptop without wanting to cry, he sits on his balcony and listens to the city until his heartbeat slows back into a gentle beat.

He is happy, he thinks. He has stayed in contact with some people from the mission: Chris and James, who are now married, and Arnold and Nabulungi, but that is it. He sees Chris and James enough, they live only a few blocks away, but he rarely sees Arnold and Nabulungi, they’re always travelling the world and seldom travel to a place with signal. The last he heard, they were in a jungle somewhere. 

When he has finished his sort of depressing lunch, Connor returns to his laptop and begins to read through the comments on his post. He replies to some, hearts other and rolls his eyes at a fair few who he suspects are from people who are members of the LDS Church. 

There is one comment that stands out amongst others though:

**“Who is Elder Price and why do you always go on about him in Africa posts???”**

Connor immediately scrolls back up through the blog posts and scans it, trying to find what he had written about Elder Price. 

“_ ...of course, Elder Price was the one who stared the trend of hiding Elder Church’s glasses, so I don’t know why he was so shocked when Church started hiding his name badge at any given opportunity, _”

Connor then brings up his entire work and types in the words, _ “Elder Price,”. _According to his computer, he has written those words no less than 550 times...in just 400 blog posts. Connor sits back in his desk chair and frowns, he has never realised how much he actually writes about Price. 

Confusion beginning to cloud his brain, Connor picks up his phone and quickly sends a test to Chris. 

**< Do I write about Elder Price too much?**

Chris texts him back almost immediately. 

**> Yes.**

**< Is it weird? **

**>Probably**

**>I don’t know, Con**

**>I know you were together for a while in Africa, but you really should move on. It’s been almost six years. You’re 29, go on a date, fuck someone, achieve point 11, do all of the above. **

**<Easier said than done, Poptarts. **

Connor is still confused about his relationship with Kevin. They were together for the two years that they were in Uganda, and Connor had truly believed that everything was perfect. There might have even been a point where he thought that he had found _The One_. But when the mission was over, Kevin Price disappeared off the face of the planet and no one has heard from him since. Even Arnold doesn’t know what has happened to his best friend and everyone knows that it hurts him more than he would like to admit. He refuses to talk about Kevin unless he has had a drink. 

Connor quickly replies back to the comment, not wanting to make a big deal out of something that definitely does not need to be a big deal: 

**“He was a big personality! It’s a bit hard not to mention him!”**

Connor gets through the rest of the work day without thinking about Elder Price again. When his mind threatens to wander back to Price, Connor very quickly shuts it down by downloading a dating app on his phone The last time he went on a date was six months ago, but it was so disastrous that Connor declared he was never going to date again. But Chris is right, it _ is _ time to move on. 

** _____**

Connor wakes up the next morning - at 6:30, of course - to 3 different messages off 3 different people on the dating app. Feeling quite pleased with himself, Connor scrolls through the messages and decides to block one of the men, but only because he looks like a serial killer. He texts the other two back and goes about his usual day: editing blog posts, going for a run, replying to emails and eating so much chocolate that that the run quickly becomes a waste of time. 

When Connor takes a break for lunch, someone has texted him back again. 

**> You actually replied! I didn’t think you would!**

Connor frowns at this message, wondering if this is flirting or not. He can’t actually remember what constitutes flirting anymore. 

**< Why? **

**> The cute ones never do**

**< That sort of implies that I’m not cute **

For the first time in a long time - possibly ever - Connor McKinley is distracted from his work. An extremely attractive man by the name of Hugo is texting and flirting with him, and Connor is actually texting and flirting back! 

It’s Hugo who makes the first move. 

**> Do you want to meet up for drinks, then? **

**< I thought you’d never ask!!**

**> Is that a yes? **

**< That is a yes. **

As soon as the plans are made, Connor texts the group chat. 

**Connor **

**< Guess who has a date!!!! **

**Poptarts **

**> It isn’t me. James is sick and feeling sorry for himself in bed**

**>I know I’m but a humble office worker but I do think I’d be a great nurse**

**>It’s a shame I hate hospitals so much **

**>OH SHIT WAIT YOU HAVE A DATE???????**

**Arn**

**>who is it??????? connor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**Naba**

**>Is he good looking?? How tall is he?? **

**>Is he taller than you?**

**James**

**>This might have just cured my flu **

Connor chuckles at his phone as more texts flood in. He doesn’t thank Heavenly Father for many things these days, but he will always be grateful for the fact that He brought them together. 

** _____**

Connor stands in front of the mirror in his bedroom and stares closely at his reflection. He just looks...wrong. Sometimes he finds himself missing the time when all he had to wear was his missionary uniform. It might not have been the happiest time of his life, but at least he didn’t have to stress about what he was going to wear. 

He doesn’t think he looks _ terrible, _he just doesn’t think he looks _good_. The shirt is the tiniest bit too short and exposes the bottom of his stomach if he lifts his arms too much, the jeans aren’t too bad, they just sag around his butt and he doesn’t know how to make them not to do that. Gays were meant to be fashionable, so why isn’t Connor? As this thought enters his mind, he scribbles the idea down in his notebook. He might not have a good sense of style, but at least he has an idea for a new blog post. 

Connors phone lights up and he glances down at it, sighing as he reads Chris’ name. He loves his former mission companion more than anything, he really does, but he is the last person that Connor wants to speak to before this date. He still answers the phone though and tries to act as casual as possible when he does. 

“Hey, man,” 

Chris laughs in response, “Oooh, you’re nervous, aren’t you?”

“What? No!”

Chris just laughs again, “Yeah, you are. You just said ‘Hey, man,’. You only ever say that when you’re nervous,” 

Connor scrunches his nose up an drops his phone onto the bed, putting it on loudspeaker. 

“It’s been a while since I’ve been on a date, that’s all,” 

“You’ll be fine, Con! You’re a catch!”

“If I’m a catch, why am I single?”

“Right now you’re single, but it won’t be forever!” Chris says encouragingly, “this could be it! You might be on your way to meet _ The One _,”

“Maybe,” Connor mutters, though he finds that to be quite a scary concept - no matter how much he might want to meet the love of his life, “Anyway, I’m gonna go. I don’t want to be late,”

“Good luck!” Chris exclaims, “James also says good luck!”

Connor walks to the bar in an attempt to calm himself down. It will be fine, he tells himself, it’s only a date. It’s not as though he’s never been on dates before. As long as he’s himself, he’ll be fine. Probably.

The bar Hugo has suggested is not one of Connor’s favourites. It is tiny and whenever he’s in there, Connor feels as though everyone can hear his conversation. Not the best place to have a first date, really. Unless Hugo is one of those people who gets off on doing _ stuff _ publicly.

This thought alone is almost enough to make Connor turn on his heel and run away, but he’s already in the bar and someone has shouted his name. Cursing the bar for being so damn tiny, Connor looks up and forces himself to smile. Hugo is sat in the very corner of the bar, waving at him, thankfully, he actually looks like his profile picture and Connor begins to calm down.

He is taller than Connor (most people are, with the exception of Chris), with close cropped brown hair and a jawline so sharp that Connor is worried he will cut himself on if he gets too close. 

“Hey, Hugo!” Connor says, awkwardly holding out his arms and realising he doesn’t know the correct way to greet someone whilst on an internet date. Hugo does seems to know what to do and pulls Connor in for a hug.

“Do you drink?” Hugo asks, pointing towards the bar. 

“Oh, I, uh, don’t, actually,” Connor says, “I never warmed up to the taste,”

Hugo raises his eyebrows and then nods, “Well I did warm up to the taste,” 

“You don’t have to pay for me!” Connor says hurriedly as Hugo takes his wallet out. 

“It’s fine!” Hugo says brightly, waving him down, “you can buy the next round if it bothers you so much,” 

Hugo is nice, there's no denying that, but Connor can’t help but feel as though something is missing. Sometimes he feels like he’s talking to a boyfriend, sometimes he feels as though he’s talking to his best friend. None of this stops Connor from waking up in Hugo’s arms the next morning, but he doesn’t think that there’s going to be a second date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank-you for reading, I'm really looking forward to writing this and I hope you enjoy reading!
> 
> <3


	2. Dear Kevin

Chris is probably more upset about the fact that Connor has remained single than Connor himself. He sits crossed legged on Connor’s bed whilst Connor runs wax through his hair and tries not to roll his eyes too obviously. 

“I just had this vision of tonight where you weren’t single, you know?” Chris says, “it was perfect! We were all in love!”

Connor allows himself to actually roll his eyes at this. Arnold and Nabulungi had returned from their latest trip and had vowed to spend as much time with Connor, Chris and James before they jetted off somewhere else again. Connor is looking forward to the night, but he won’t be if all anyone wants to talk about is his love life - or lack thereof. 

“I’m OK with being single, Chris,” Connor says, swivelling around in his chair to face Chris. 

“I know you are,” Chris sighs, “but sometimes I worry about you holled up in your office all day. You’ve never really been the same since Kevin-”

“I don’t want to talk about him, OK?” Connor interrupts. 

Of course, talking about Kevin Price is not really something that can be avoided when a slightly drunk Arnold Cunningham has anything to do with it.

“I love you guys,” he begins, and Connor knows what is coming, “I really,_ really_ do but...you’re not Kevin, you know?”

“We know, Arn,” James says gently, ever patient with Arnold and his emotions. 

“I just - he really was my first best friend,” Arnold continues, “and he said that he wasn’t going to leave me like everyone else and then what did he do? He left me!” 

“We know,” James says again, “he left us all,” 

“Do you ever wonder what we did wrong?” Arnold asks, “what made him turn his back on us and disappear off the face of the earth? We went back to Salt Lake City and we found his parents,” 

Connor’s heart does an involuntarily flip in his chest.

“And?” Connor asks, trying to sound as casual as possible. 

“They recognised me from the mission,” Arnold says miserably, “and they know what happened. They know about The Book of Arnold and said that Kevin had moved away to start a new life. A _ better _life with Heavenly Father, away from sin and away from _me_,” 

“So he went back to the Church...” Chris mutters, glancing over at Connor, “that doesn’t make any sense,” 

“Yes, well, Elder Price never made sense, did he?” Connor says angrily, unable to even say his first name, “I’m getting a drink, would anyone like anything?”

Connor orders himself a beer, because he doesn’t know what else to drink. Soda doesn’t numb the ever present feelings of betrayal that Kevin Price has left behind. There had been a time when he left soft kisses on Connor's cheek, notes reminding Connor how much he loved him and the occasional bunch of flowers. Connor should have realised that Kevin was too good to be true. 

“Is that beer, Connor?” James asks, somewhat anxiously when he returns to the table.

“Yeah, why?” Connor replies casually, handing Chris some obscure cocktail. 

“You never drink,” Nabulungi says, “I’ve never seen you drink,” 

“I’m nearly 30. I think I’m allowed to drink,” Connor says. 

“It’s just odd seeing you drink, that’s all,” Arnold shrugs, “Well...cheers,” 

Connor gets drunk that night. _ Too _ drunk. He isn’t aware of what he’s doing when he’s ranting and raving about _ Kevin fucking Price _ and how _ he ruined my fucking life! Do you know what it’s like to fall head over heels in love with someone and for them to just fuck off and never send you a text to let you know he’s OK? We were going to move in together! We were going to suffer through a few more weeks at home and then we were going to move here together! He was going to be a teacher and I was going to be on Broadway and it was perfect! I thought I was going to marry him! I thought I’d found the one! _

“Connor, maybe it’s best that we go-” 

_ I don’t want to go home! Home is empty and cold and there’s no one there for me! There’s never anyone there for me anymore! Every date I go on is shit because no one compares to _The_ Kevin Price. It’s like he did it on purpose! _

At some point, Connor ends up back in his apartment, tucked up in bed. Someone is sleeping beside him but he doesn’t turn around to find out who, because he knows that it won’t be Kevin and that might kill him off. 

** _____**

“Con, I’ve made you breakfast!”

The smell of bacon coming from the kitchen gets him up out of bed, but not because he wants to eat it. He runs to the bathroom and throws up in the toilet, tears stinging his eyes as his throat feels like it’s on fire. Someone sighs behind him and he turns around to find Chris stood in the doorway, his arms folded.

“Why are you here?” Connor asks. 

“I slept here last night. When I tried to leave you cried and made me get in bed,” 

A few hazy memories swim to the front of Connor’s brain and he groans, dropping his head in his hands. 

“I’m sorry,” 

Chris sighs and shakes his head, “it’s fine. James panicked a bit, but that's more because of his dad and-" he holds up his hand to silence Connor who opens his mouth to begin apologising, "don't worry. He's fine. It's not the first time he's seen one of his friends drunk,"

“I should text everyone, let them know that I’m OK-”

“No need,” Chris says, “Everyone is here. Here and _ very _worried,” he adds. 

Connor groans again and picks himself up off the bathroom floor. He brushes his teeth, scrubs his face with some weird cream that a brand had sent him, changes his pyjamas and then hesitantly walks into the kitchen. James, Arnold and Nabulungi are sat at the kitchen table while Chris is loading plates with food. 

“Morning,” Connor says sheepishly, pouring himself a cup of coffee. 

“Are you alright?” Nabulungi asks, “Do you have a headache?”

“I think...I think I’m just aching in general,”

“Aw, baby's first hangover!” Arnold says brightly. 

“Shut up, Arnold,” Connor mutters, dropping down into a chair and putting his head in his hands, “how embarrassing was I?”

Their silence told him everything. 

“I’m sorry,” he says, “this is why I don’t drink,” 

“Look on the bright side!” James says, “you have a blog post idea!”

“Do I?”

“Yeah. You told us that you were going to write a post titled ‘_Kevin Price is the Biggest Dick in the World and It’s Important to Me that Everyone Understands That, _”

“I’m not going to write that,” 

“Oh, thank Heavenly Father for that,” 

This doesn’t mean that Connor doesn’t write about Kevin, though. When everyone has left and he is alone, he puts as many blankets as is humanly possible onto his sofa as possible and buries himself beneath them all, balancing his laptop on his knees. He writes non-stop for three hours until he has forced something publishable out of himself:

_ “This is entirely self indulgent, but I had a bad night last night and need to get a few things off my chest. I promise we’ll be back to the usual happy crap that I write about soon enough._

_ Dear Kevin, _

_ Last night I got drunk. And you know better than anyone that this is unlike me. I don’t drink. I hate the taste and the smell of beer, but I drank 8 pints of it last night because I couldn’t deal with the fact that we were talking about you. _

_ You were perfect. We were perfect. Everything was perfect. But then you up and left without so much as a goodbye. If you realised you didn’t love me, that’s OK. I don’t want you to pretend that you loved me. I just wish you said goodbye. We never said goodbye. You waved, and then you were gone. _

_ So this is my goodbye to you. You might never read this, but I need someone outside of Chris, James, Arnold and Naba to hear this. _

_ Kevin, I loved you. I really did. I loved how hard you worked, I loved the sound of your laughter, I loved the way you would snuggle closer to me in the morning to try and stop be from getting out of bed. I just loved being in your presence. I loved to look around the room and see you there, because it made me feel safe; you made me feel safe. _

_ And it’s become clear to me that I was none of this for you and that’s OK, because I wouldn’t want to force you into anything. _

_ Thank-you, Kevin, for everything. You made me happy for two years, and I cannot be angry about that. _

_ Good-bye, _

_ Connor,” _

Connor decides to disable the comments on the post. Usually, he loves nothing more than for his readers to tell him what they felt about the update - good or not - but today, he doesn’t want to know. The only person he would like to discuss what he’s written about his Kevin, and he isn’t willing to let anyone else do that. 

The group chat comes to life an hour after he has posted, and Connor is once again reminded of how lucky he is to have the friends that he does. 

**Naba**

**>That post was very brave Connor I cried reading it **

**Arn**

**> u deserve to be happy con :( love u man **

**James **

**> Chris is crying, I am crying, we are all crying **

**>You deserve the world**

**Chris **

**>I know Kevin is ten times taller than me but if I ever see that dick again I’m gonna fight him **

**>We all just want you to be happy Con**

**Connor**

**< As long as I’ve got you guys, I’m gonna be fine**

**Naba**

**>We’re always gonna be here for you **

**>even though sometimes we’re on the other side of the world**

**Arn**

**>want us to come round later with all the food and absolutely no alcohol?**

**Connor**

**<Please**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiii, thank-you for reading!! 
> 
> Comments/kudos are always appreciated <3


	3. Bitter Coffee

Dating is hard, and Connor might just give up on it. Every single person he goes on a date with is bland.

Before moving to New York, he had been under the impression that ‘bland’ was not a thing to be found in the city that never sleeps, but he can confirm that it most definitely can be found there. There was one terrible, desperate moment when Connor very seriously considered asking someone he saw being generally strange on the subway out, because at least that relationship wouldn’t be bland. It was only when he properly thought it through that he realised how stupid he was being. Dating someone he saw being generally strange on the subway was the best way to get killed. At least he had a plan should he ever want to get murdered. 

He is sat in a coffee shop writing about how he feels about dating; he’s only doing it because he received many emails about his last post (_Dear Kevin) _ from readers who seemed quite concerned about his wellbeing. It’s still quite depressing, but he’ll make up for it with a new ‘_How Africa is Nothing like The Lion King _,” post. There’s a memory of a food fight that he has been desperate to write about, he just can’t quite remember who started it. All he knew that it was definitely Arnold or Price. Possibly both. 

_ “I know people found my last post (Dear Kevin) depressing, so I just wanted to clear a few things up...first of all, I am fine. I just needed to get some stuff off my chest and what better way to do that than on the internet in front of the entire world? Secondly, I do believe in true love - even though some of you seem to be under the impresion that I don’t - because if I dind’t believe in trule love, I might as well just kill myself, right? I just don’t know if I believe in it for myself. If you didn’t know, I had a relationship a few years ago with a guy who I thought I was going to reach point 11 with. We spoke about all the things we were going to do when we were older, and most of the points made it onto the list that inspired this very blog post. And then, one day, out of nowhere...he’s gone! Just vanishes off the face of the earth and no one has heard from him since! No one even knows where he is! And believe me, we’ve tried to find out. _

_ This entire story is why I have no sympathy for people being ghosted after a couple of dates. Like, sure, it’s a shitty thing to do but after an almost two year relationship?! And people wonder why I have trust issues!!!” _

He writes some more, trying to come across as hopeful as possible but he doesn’t think that it works. He just sounds bitter, but he really can’t help it. He reads and then re-reads the post to make sure that it isn’t obvious who Kevin actually is. The last thing he needs is someone to realise that Kevin and Elder Price are the same person. But after he’s re-read it close to 15 times, he still isn’t sure so does what he always does; turns to the group chat. 

**Naba**

**>Not obvious at all!!**

**>Arnold just said that I sounded sarcastic, but I wasn’t trying to be**

**James**

**>They don’t even know his first name it’s fine **

**>They also don’t know that you guys dated in the first place **

**>I didn’t even know you were dating until you were like 3 months in**

**Chris**

**>Thats because you don’t pay attention to anything James **

**>but everyone is right it isn’t obvious **

**>nice to know you’re not bitter though **

**>(that was actual sarcasm btw)**

**Arn **

**>i didnt even know they were dating because price didn’t tell me **

**>so really i dont know why i was surprised when he just abandoned us all **

**James**

**>Connor McKinley and Arnold Cunningham: the two least bitter people in the world **

**Connor **

**<Does it come across as bitter?**

**<Should I change it?**

**<I dont want to come across as a dick **

**Naba**

**>You’re allowed to be a dick about it, he was a massive dick about it **

**>He’d be a massive dick about it if it was the other way round **

**James**

**>he was a massive dick about everything **

**>did he have a massive dick?**

**Chris**

**>JAMES CHURCH!**

**>YOU ARE A MARRIED MAN!**

** Naba **

**>oh my god **

**Arn**

**>I DONT WANT TO KNOW **

**Connor**

**<Ok thats my cue to go back to work bye!!!!!**

Having a feeling that that conversation is far from over, Connor mutes the chat because he needs to focus on things that aren’t how big Kevin Price’s dick is. And yet, he can’t resist typing one more message:

**< He is quite big, though **

**Arn **

**> im blocking ur number **

Connor chuckles and places his phone face down on the table, returning to his work. He changes a few sentences so he doesn’t sound as bitter and uploads it. Not even close to finishing work for the day, Connor takes out his notebook and begins the rough outline of his next Africa post. He still can’t remember who started the food fight but decides not to bother Arnold for another few hours. Connor imagines that he’s locked himself in a dark room to get over Connors last text. 

He starts by writing bullet points of what he can remember about the food fight. He knew it had started because Elder Davis was on cooking duty despite the fact that he was a terrible cook. Connor used to make himself eat it even though the others never did. It wasn’t nice to let food go to waste. 

_ “Thank-you for cooking for us tonight, Elder Davis,” Connor said, grimacing slightly as he looked down at his plate. He wasn’t sure what Davis had cooked, but he knew that it probably wasn’t edible. _

_ The others Elders murmured their thanks and Connor decided that after the meal, he was going to change the work schedules and make sure that Davis never had to go near the oven again. Elder Zelder was the first to begin eating, and he almost threw up after the first (very hesitant) chew. _

_ “I’m really sorry, I can’t eat this!” Zelder exclaimed, dropping his fork to the plate with a clatter, “Elder Davis, man, you cannot cook!” _

_ “I know I can’t!” Davis yes exclaimed, “but Price wouldn’t swap with me!” _  
  
_ “How is this my fault?” Elder Price asked, “I would have swapped but it was my turn to go to the school and I didn’t want to miss out on that for cooking! You should have asked someone else to swap with you!” _  
  
_ “Or maybe you should have taken one for the team and swapped!” Church snapped, “you’re actually good at cooking!” _  
  
_ “The Prophet asked me to go with-“ _  
  
_ “Don’t pull the Prophet card, Price,” Neeley snarled, “you say no to Arnold all the time!” _  
  
_ “Elders, Elders!” Connor shouted over all the shouting, “It doesn’t matter who’s fault it was, all that matters is that we have food that Elder Davis so graciously cooked for us and we shouldn’t let it go to waste,” _  
  
_ “Connor is right you guys!” Arnold said happily, a glint in his eye, “we shouldn’t let it go to waste!” _  
  
_ “I don’t like where this is going,” Poptarts muttered, “he’s planning something. I don’t like it when he starts planning something. The last time he planned something we all got ex-communicated from the Church.” _  
  
_ Connor sighed and turned to his mission companion, “I think part of the problem was that he didn’t plan the Book of Arn-“ but he never finished his sentence for there was a slight squelching sound and Connors shirt was covered in mince. _  
  
_ A deadly silence fell over the kitchen as all Elders turned to look at their district leader who had mince dripping down onto his usually pristine trousers. At the very end of the table, Elder Price’s shoulders were shaking with laughter and that was enough to convince Connor that this was a good idea. _  
  
_ “Elder Cunningham,” Connor said calmly, “did you just throw your food at me?” _  
  
_ “Well, yes, because you said that the food shouldn’t go to waste and I don’t think it’ll go to waste if we have a food fight because at least we’ll have fun with it,” Arnold replied. _  
  
_ “Your logic never fails to surprise me,” _  
  
_ “Thank-you...I - I think,” _  
  
_ Connor throwing the next bit of food was an invitation for the rest of the Elders to carry on, and soon the entire kitchen was pandemonium. Church ended up stood on the table, swatting away any food flying towards him with a frying pan, whilst Poptarts used his height to his advantage by crouching down as low as possible and somehow managing to avoid getting too much food thrown on him. Prices laughter could be heard amongst all the shouting, but Connor couldn’t see him through all the bodies and the food. _  
  
_ He felt something tugging on the bottom of his trousers and (ducking under some flour) he looked under the table to see Price crouched there, tears of laughter in his eyes. _  
  
_ “Come on!” He said, “come join me!” _  
  
_ Grinning, Connor crawled under the table to join him. _  
  
_ “Thank-you,” Price said, interlocking their fingers. _  
  
_ “What for?” _  
  
_ “For not sticking to the rules all the time. It’s fun. You’re fun,” _  
  
_ Connor grinned again and kissed him. _  
  
_ “We can have even more fun later, if you want,” _  
  
_ Prices face lit up and Connor wanted that image burned in his mind forever. _  
  
_ “Oh, I definitely want more fun later,” _  
  
Before Connor has even realised what he is doing, he has written almost four pages of notes about the food fight. But none of it can ever be used. It’s centres too much around Kevin Price, and Connor is quite done making Kevin the centre of things. The last time he did that, he had his heartbroken...just thinking about any happy memories they have together breaks Connors heart.  
  
He tears the four pages out of the notebook and shoves them into his empty coffee mug. He is back to square one with planning but gives himself the rest of the day off, even though he probably shouldn’t. He needs time to think about good Uganda memories that don’t involve Price, but he doesn’t think that he has many. He’ll text everyone about it later. They’ll be able to think of something. Nabulungi always comes through with good memories when Connor needs her to.  
  
“No way...Connor McKinley?”  
  
Connor looks up from his notebook and gasps.  
  
“Steve?” he exclaims, “what are you - what are you doing here?”  
  
He has not seen his childhood best friend/first boyfriend for years. He can barely remember the last time that he saw him, but Connor can’t help but notice how good he looks. He thinks that he might have started going to the gym because his shirt clings to his muscles in a way that makes it look like as though the fabric is going to rip (not that Connor would mind if it did). His hair is still blond and messy, falling over his eyes in a way that makes Connor wants to run his hands through it.  
  
“I moved to New York about a week ago, got a new job,” he explains, “Can I - can I sit?”  
  
“Of course!” Connor says, clearing his things off the table, “Sorry everything is such a mess, I’ve been trying to work,”  
  
“What is it that you do now?”  
  
“Uh...I write a blog,” Connor tells him, there’s never any way to make his job not sound stupid, “you?”

Steve laughs, “Of course you do! I’m a nurse, just started my residency,” 

“Jesus, I can’t believe how long it’s been,” 

Steve raises his eyebrows at him. 

“Did I just hear the perfect mormon Connor McKinley use the Lord's name in vain?” 

“You’ve missed out on _ a lot _,” 

“So tell me,” Steve says, sitting back in his chair and taking a sip of his coffee, “I don’t have to be in the hospital until tomorrow,” 

And so Connor fills him in on everything. At some point, Steve moves to the seat next to him and they are sat so close that Connor thinks it might be a bit inappropriate because they’re in public, but then Steve leans in and Connor doesn’t really mind. Steve’s lips taste like bitter coffee and if Connor pretends hard enough, it’s almost like kissing Elder Price again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank-you for reading!! 
> 
> Comments/kudos apprecaited as always <3


	4. Liberating

_ "The List: An Update _

_ I realised the other day that I haven’t given you a list update for a while. This isn’t because there hasn’t been any great developments with The List, it’s just because I’ve been feeling creative lately (yay!) and have had so many ideas that I never got around to writing about The List. Which is strange, because The List is the reason I started this blog in the first place! _

_ Anyway, an update. _

_ I’m in a relationship. _

_ It’s a miracle, I know. Someone who isn’t Chris or James or Naba or Arnold wants to spend time with me! Although, he is a nurse and very rarely has days off so maybe he doesn’t actually want to spend time with me. You know what, I’m not going to read too much into that because once I start, I’ll never stop and then I’ll spiral out of control. And I’m too happy to spiral out of control. _

_ And I know that a lot of you will want all the details, but I’m not going to give them to you. Not because I’m a dick (which I am) but because this is really, really important to me and I want to keep it between myself and my boyfriend. I’m sure you’ll understand. I’ve been burned before and I’m desperate to stop that from happening again. _

_ But since a lot of the list involves relationships, I guess I can tell you some things... _

_ First of all, we’ve been together for six months. I know, I know, I know, I shouldn’t have kept it from you that long but I have genuinely been busy with other posts (those Africa posts take a long time to write and you’re always asking for them! It’s your fault). His name is Steve and I’ve known him since we were in the sixth grade. He’s actually the boy who made me realise that I was gay - a story for another time, I think - and we had a sort of relationship when were older. I say relationship, it’s whatever two closeted gay kids can have. I was also still Mormon at the time so it’s not as though we could walk together in Pride Parades. I don’t even think there was a Pride Parade in Provo at the time...(is there now? I haven’t been back to check). _

_ And then we lost contact for a while. I started studying scripture like my life depended on it (which it sort of did but, once again, another story for another time) and he went to a different school, and that was the sad end of Connor and Steve. Then, obviously, I went to Uganda for 2 years and because everything was so up in the air when I came back, we never reconnected. I wasn’t really in the mindset to reconnect with him, anyway. _

_ That isn’t the point though. The point is that six months ago, I was in a Starbucks (not spon, but if they want to, I’m fine with it!) and we just...bumped into each other. It’s quite cute actually, a proper rom-com meeting. And we’re still together now! _

_ I’m not going to say too much about everything because like I said, I want to keep it between the two of us. I also hate it when people constantly give updates about their relationship, as though anyone gives a shit! Just keep it between the two of you, no one actually cares. I mean, I’m sure some people care but I know for a fact that I don’t. _

_ That being said (or wrote, I guess), this isn’t the last time you’re going to hear about Steve. We’re going on vacation to England in two weeks for my 30th birthday - it's actually not my birthday for another two weeks after we get back but we both have busy schedules- (and I have so many thoughts and feelings about turning 30, I’ll tell you all about them later) and what sort of blogger would I be if I didn’t write about it when I get back? A terrible one. That’s the sort of one I’d be. _

_ So yes, I’m very happy, very un single and very excited to go to England. _

_ See you on Friday! The next post is an Africa one, so get excited!” _

Connor attaches a picture of him and Steve to the post, just so people don’t badger him to post one. It’s his favourite picture of the two of them. James took it for them one night when he and Chris had come round; Steve is wearing his nurse uniform and Connor is wearing pyjamas. They’re snuggled up to each other on the couch, Connor resting his head on Steve’s shoulder whilst his boyfriend plants a kiss into his hair. 

And to think, there was a time when Connor didn’t believe in love for himself. 

\-----

“You’re head over heels in love with him, aren’t you?”

Connor looks up from his laptop and frowns at Nabulungi. She is sat on the sofa opposite him, grinning. 

“What?”

“With Steve,” she says, “you’re head over heels in love with him,” 

Heat rises up Connor’s neck and into his cheeks, which makes Nabulungi giggle. 

“It’s OK, Connor!” she says, “you’re allowed to be in love! _ I’m _in love, Arnold is in love, James is in love, Chris is in love and so are you! It’s amazing, isn’t it?”

Connor’s face splits into a wide grin and he nods, “It is. It’s amazing to be in love,” 

“You’re like the old Connor again,” Nabulungi says, “me and Arnold were talking about it yesterday...it’s like....it’s like he never happened,” 

They dance around Elder Price’s name these days. No one really talks about him, not even Arnold. Connor has even stopped writing about him in Africa posts. Usually referring to him as ‘another Elder’ if he absolutely has to. It’s liberating. He’s moved on. They’ve all moved on. Connor barely thinks about him. 

“I know,” Connor says, “he used to always be in the back of mind but he’s not even there anymore. The only time I ever think about him is if I’m writing about the mission, and even then I don’t think about him that much,” 

Nabulungi smiles and places her hand on his knee, squeezing it ever so slightly. 

“You're OK, aren’t you?”

“I'm OK,” Connor agrees, and he really believes what he's saying. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank-you for reading!!! 
> 
> Also, I don't know if it's just my laptop but for some reason, when I look at this fic on my dashboard it says that the last time I updated was August 19th, even though I know I've updated since then. So, if this is happening for everyone else, I just want to let you know that I am going to be updating regularly even if it says that I haven't!!! 
> 
> <3


	5. Old Habits

Connor stands on his tiptoes as he carefully adjusts his softbox light, his tongue between his teeth. His suitcase is placed at an artful angle behind three piles of his clothes, folded to perfection. He stands and stares at assembled collection of his belongings, his hands on his hips. He picks up his camera and takes a quick picture, but it doesn’t look quite right. 

Tutting, Connor drops his camera back onto his bed and moves a pile of his clothes ever so slightly to the right. He takes another picture but it somehow looks worse. 

“How long are you going to spend taking a picture of your suitcase?” Steve asks, appearing in the doorway, “I’ve walked by the door three times in the last 45 minutes and you’re _ still _doing this,” 

“I have one million readers per month,” Connor mutters, “it has to be perfect,” 

“It’s a picture of a suitcase, Connor,” 

“That _one million_ people are going to see!”

Steve sighs, “Alright. I’m going to order some Chinese. Do you want some?”

“Just get my usual,” Connor replies, not really paying him much attention. 

“Are you actually going to eat it or are you going to spend two hours trying to get a picture of it?”

“What?” Connor asks, looking up from his camera. 

Steve just sighs and shakes his head, “Nothing,” 

Connor frowns and puts his camera down again, “No, you were being pissy with me. What’s up with you?” 

“It’s nothing. I just had a long day at work, everything is pissing me off. It’s not you,” 

“I can finish up and-”

Steve shakes his head again, “It’s fine. Carry on taking your pictures, Connor,” 

Deep down, Connor knows that he should probably go after his boyfriend, but his suitcase seems to be gloating at him and once he’s taken the picture, he actually has to pack. He and Steve are completing point 9 tomorrow, and Connor feels like that would be difficult without a suitcase of clothes. 

Connor finally stops working at 2:30 AM. The flight is at 5:30 AM. 

** \------**

“Are you actually going to pay any attention to me this vacation or are you going to be on your laptop all day?” 

Connor looks up from his laptop and he frowns at Steve. It is their first day in Manchester and already, Steve does not seem to be in the best mood. 

“I’m just replying to emails,” he replies, “we’re going out in fifteen minutes,” 

Steve just shrugs, “You just spend a lot of time on your laptop, that’s all,”

“Yes, because it’s my _job_,” Connor says slowly, “that’s like me getting annoyed at you for spending so much time at the hospital,”

“Forget it, Connor,” Steve says, “I’m going to have a shower. Will you be ready in fifteen minutes?”

“Yeah,” Connor says, trying to hide his hurt, “I’ll be ready. Don’t worry about it,” 

By the time Steve is out of the shower and they have left their hotel, everything is fine between them again and Connor doesn’t give Steves behaviour much thought (though Connor thinks that the blowjob in the shower might have helped his mod). They take stupid pictures of each other and Steve adorably jumps in front of the camera when Connor tries to take an actual picture of the cathedral. When he looks over the pictures though, he realises that the blurry figure of Steve in front of the cathedral is much better than the arty one that he took. 

“Do you want to go to that library now? The one that you say looks like Hogwarts?" Steve asks. 

"Yes!" Connor exclaims exictedly, grabbing Steve's hand and pulling him along, "I've been _dying _to see it ever since I saw that picture of it on Twitter. Have you ever seen a more beautiul library Steve, _have you_?"

Steve laughs, "Listen, when you've spent as much tim in libraries as I have then you sort of don't think about them as...beautiful," 

Connor rolls his eyes, "you'll get what I mean when you see this library though, babe. I think theres a Shakespeare exhibition on as well!" 

"Oh, yes, Shakespeare, who I love so much," Steve mutters. 

Connor continues to babble about the library until they get there, and the beauty of the library actually takes his breath away. It really is like Hogwarts with it's high windows and spiraling staricases. Even Steve stops in his tracks and looks around. 

"Alright," he says finally, turning to look at Connor, "i'm convinced. This library _is_ beautiful," 

"Come on, come on, come on!" Connor says, tugging on Steve's hands, "there's still so much more to see!"

When Connor had first started blogging, he always felt like he never took enough pictures. Now he's almost ten years in, Connor feels as though that he might take too many. Whenever he goes on a trip - even if it's just to go and see something on Broadway - he ends up taking so many pictures that he spends most of the next morning trawling through them all. And as he walks around the library taking pictures of every little thing that he comes across, he knows that future-Connor will be really pissed off at past-Connor, but doesn't even try and control himself. 

"Mr Price! What Hogwarts house would you be in?"

"Oh, I don't know...the one for tired teachers, maybe?"

"You've never watched Harry Potter in your life, have you?"

"Nope!" an uncomfortably familiar voice says, "but that's OK, because I don't have to teach Harry Potter, I have to teach Shakespeare. So go and look at the exhibition, yeah?"

"For what it's worth, I think you're a Slytherin," 

Connor is frozen, staring at Kevin Price as he shakes his head at the retreating back of his student. Before Connor can grab Steve and run as far away from the library as humanly possible, Price turns his head and their eyes meet. Price's eyes widen and his mouth drops open in a way that might have been comical had they been under anyother circumstances. 

"Elder McKinley?" Price asks, "I - oh, my gosh, this is so weird,"

"Hey, Elder Price," is all Connor manages to say, trying to fight back the fierce blush that he can feel spreading up his cheeks. 

Annoyingly, he still looks good, but Connor doesn't really know why he's so surpised by this. Price always looked good; his hair is still perfectly gelled and Connor finds him thinking about how it used to look after sex. Without realising it, Connor has tilted his head to the side and is looking his ex-boyfriend up and down; he's dressed like a young PTA dad and it isn't a turn off. It might even be a turn _on_. It's only when Steve coughs pointedly that Connor remember he doesn't need to think about whether Elder Price turns him on or not. 

"Who's this, Connor?" Steve asks. 

"Oh, um, this is - this is Elder Price. We were...were in Uganda, together," Connor says quickly, "Elder, this is...this is Steve. My boyfriend," 

Price raises his eyebrows at this, "ah,_ the _Steve Blade?"

"Yep, that Steve Blade,"

"Wait," Steve says quickly, "what does that mean?"

Connor shakes his head, "it's a really long story. I'll tell you later," 

"Well, it's lovely to meet you," Price says, extending a wedding-ring-wearing hand out to Steve for him to shake. 

"You're married!" Connor exclaims before he can stop himself. 

"Oh, yeah," Price says somewhat sheepishly, glancing down at his hand and dropping it to his side, "have been for just under a year now,"

"Con-Congratulations," Connor says quietly, "that's - yeah, that's great," he coughs to try and cover the awkwardness and carries on speaking, "so, you're a teacher now?"

Price beams, "Yeah! I don't actually live here, I'm living in New York, but we're on a trip to-"

"New York?" Connor interrupts, "You live in _New York_?" 

"Yeah. Why?" Price asks, "is there something wrong with that?"

"No! I just - I live there, that's all. Well, actually, we all live there...Chris, James, Naba and...Arnold,"

"Oh," Price says, "A-All of you?"

Connor nods, "Well, Arnold and Naba are always travelling somewhere but...you know..."

"Yeah..." Price says, "No, that's...that's great. Um, I have - I have a break in about ten minutes. We could...I don't know, go for lunch?"

"Sure," Connor says, "Yeah. We'll...we'll wait for you outside,"

Price smiles, "I'll be out as fast as I can," 

Lunch isn't as awkward as Connor expected it to be. If anything, it's nice. The only problem is that Price doesn't give much away. He never mentions his huband, so neither Connor nor Steve ask. He does apologise for disappearing off the face of the earth, which Connor can appreciate. 

"I just needed to clear my head," he explains, "it was..a lot. Everything that happened,"

Connor wants to say something snarky but he somehow manages to stop himself. 

"I know," Connor says, "Uganda was...intense," 

Price laughs, "I should probably be getting back to work or Miss Melroy will murder me for not taking over. It's been great to see you though, Connor," 

"Yeah. You too, Elder,"

Price sighs and runs a hand through his hair. 

"Why do you keep on calling me Elder? I do have a first name, you know. Or have you forgotten it?"

"Old habits die hard," Connor replies, forcing himself to laugh. 

"Right, well, I really should be going," he says, still frowning, "tell Arnold and everyone I said hello,"

"Or you could say hello yourelf," Connor says quickly, "We really miss you. Arnold most of all," 

"Yeah," Steve says, "he get's very emotional when they talk about you," 

"I...I don't know if that's such a good idea," Price says awkwardly, "I've moved on, found Heavenly Father again. You get it,"

"No, I don't actually," Connor snaps, "I haven't gone back to the Chuch. They don't take people like _us_ back," 

A look of sadness sweeps over Price's face and Connor is suddenly overcome with the urge to hold him. 

"They do if you ask," he says, "see you,"

"He was...weird," Steve mutters as they watch him walk away, "was he always that vague?"

"No," Connor says, furrowing his brows, "not at all," 

Connor has no idea what is going on in Elder Price's life or where they stand. All he does know that he is still head over heels in love with Kevin Price, and that isn't a particularly nice feeling when your boyfriend is holding your hand and telling you how much he loves you. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank-you for reading!!! Comments/kudos appreciated!!! <3 <3
> 
> Also, if you ever find yourself in Manchester I highly recommend going to the John Ryland library because it actually looks like Hogwarts!! Here's a link to an article about it if you care enough - https://www.northernsoul.me.uk/john-rylands-library/
> 
> <3


	6. Hindsight is 20/20

Connor sits back in his desk chair and groans. It’s almost 3 in the morning and he still hasn’t finished working, despite the fact that he started writing at 9 (AM). He’s been trying to write a blog post about their trip to Manchester all day, but every version that he comes up with is terrible.

And it’s all Elder Price’s fault.

When Connor mentions him, he thinks it looks suspicious, when he doesn’t mention him, he thinks that it looks even more suspicious and when he mentions him only briefly, Connor thinks that it looks downright strange. The rest of the post is fine, it’s just that _ one _paragraph.

“Right, come on, McKinley, you can do this,” he mutters to himself, dragging his laptop towards him and beginning to write, “it’s only weird because you’re making it weird,”

“..._ and then a surprise when Steve and I were in The John Rylands Library: we bumped into none other than Elder Price! Yes, the Elder Price from my days in Uganda! It really was quite a surprise to see him after almost 10 years of having no idea what happened to him! He’s a teacher now, which isn’t so surprising considering he used to go out of his way to try and teach at the school whilst we were on the mission. I used to re-do the work schedule every month to try and keep things relatively exciting for the other Elders, and he would always turn up in my office on the last day of every month to beg to go to the school that month. Of course, I always gave him at least two visits to the school because I was nice like that. It’s nice to know that he’s actually being paid for it now. He really was amazing with the kids,” _

Connor re reads the paragraph again and resigns himself to the fact that he’s not going to be able to write anything better than that. His eyes flicker over the paragraph again, and come to rest on the word _ beg. _ He isn’t sure if it is his sleep deprived brain or not, but he feels as though the word is a bit... _ intimate. _As this thought brushes through his brain, a memory forces itself to the forefront of his mind.

_ The clock flashed 11:30 pm at the district leader. It was as though it was mocking him for still being awake, teasing about the fact that he had to be awake at 6:30 am and that getting a healthy 8 hours of sleep was nothing but a pipe dream. Shooting a quick glare at the clock as though it understood what that meant, Connor returned back to his work and sighed. He’d assigned going to the market and doing the laundry to Elder Zelder on the same day...at the same time. And even though Connor had a lot of faith in Zelder, he didn’t think that he’d be able to be in two places at once. _

_ He decided he’d send Poptarts and Church to the market, let them make a very low-key date out of it. But with Church at the market, there wasn’t enough Elders to help Mafala build a new shed behind the mission hut and Connor was back to square one. _

_ “Elder McKinley?” said a quiet voice, accompanied by a knock on the door, “can I speak with you?” _

_ Outwardly, Connor rolled his eyes. Inwardly, he’s quite pleased to hear that voice. _

_ “Come in!” he called to the door. _

_ It opened and Elder Price walked in, “Sorry, Elder McKinley, I know you’re working but I just wanted to know if you’d done the work schedules yet?” _

_ “I’m working on them now, Elder,” Connor replied, “do you think Elder Cunningham is any good at DIY? I need an extra pair of hands to help Mafala build the shed,” _

_ Elder Price looked thoughtful for a moment and then shook his head, “No, I don’t think he’d be any good at DIY. It’d be funny though,” he added. _

_ Connor nodded, “Yeah, it would be funny. He can do it. Is there anything I can help you with?” _

_ “Well, yes, actually, I was just wondering who’s going to the school this month?” _

_ They did this little routine every month. And as stupid as it was, Connor looked forward to it. _

_ “Neely and Church are going on Thursday this week, and then Schrader and Michaels are going on Monday the week after,” Connor said, his eyes flickering down to the schedules, “but I haven’t decided for the rest of the month,” _

_ That’s a lie. And Connor knew that Price was more than aware of that. _

_ “Who’re you thinking about sending?” Price asked, moving around to Connor’s side of the desk and perching on the corner. _

_ Connor smirked and reached out to grab Price’s hand. _

_“I don’t know yet, Elder. Whoever _earns _it_ _ ,” _

_ This time, it’s Kevin’s turn to smirk. He leant forward and kissed Connor, who’s hands went straight to his hair, tugging him forward slightly. Price seemed to have gotten the message and moved to straddle Connor, grinding their hips together. Connor moaned and dropped his head to Price’s neck, nibbling at the spot just above his collar bone that Connor knew drove Price crazy. And it worked. Price moaned loudly and threw his head back. _

_ “Connor, Connor - ah, Connor,” _

_ Connor smirked into his neck and looked up at Price; hair messy and face flushed. _

_ “Now, now, Elder Price, it’s late. You don’t want to wake any of the others up, do you?” _

_ Price shook his head, “No. Sorry,” _

_ “That doesn’t mean that I don’t want to hear you moan for me, though,” Connor added with a pinch to his boyfriends bum, “You know how much I love hearing you moan, don’t you?” _

_ Price nodded and leant down to kiss Connor again whilst the latter began to unbuckle Price’s belt. Distracted by the kiss, Price had no idea what was going on until Connor’s hand slipped beneath the waistband of his boxers and he gasped. _

_ “No temple garments?” Connor asked. _

_ “Don’t act like you wear yours,” Price scoffed, “it’s too hot, and we’re not even in the Church anymore,” _

_ “I know, but you’re still a bit of a stickler for rules sometimes,” Connor said, “you were wearing your temple garments last night!” _

_ “Connor, babe, how much of a stickler for rules can I be if I’m sitting on your lap with your hands down my trousers?” _

_ “That’s Elder McKinley to you,” _

_ “Yeah, yeah, Elder - ah, shit,” _

_ Price groaned and fell forward onto Connor, resting his head on his shoulder as Connor began to move his hands up and down. _

_ “Moan for me, baby. I like to hear you,” _

_ As always, Price didn’t disappoint and even though Connor knew that he should have been telling him to be quiet, he couldn’t bring himself to do it. There was just something so magical about Kevin Price being reduced to a sweaty, moaning mess. It was a great contrast to the way he was when Connor had met him for the first time. _

_ “You’re doing so well, Kev,” Connor whispered in his ear, smirking as Price whimpered at the praise, “you’re such a good boy, moaning for me like that,” _

_ “I’m gonna - I’m gonna come,” Price panted, gripping onto the front of Connors shirt and bucking his hips, “Shit, Elder McKinley, I’m gonna - I’m gonna-” _

_ “Go on, come for me, sweetie,” Connor said, biting back a moan as Kevin’s grinding intensified, “Come on, baby,” _

_ Seconds later he did, all over his stomach. Connor grinned and scooped it up onto his finger, maintaining eye contact with Price as he slowly licked it off. Price groaned again and slid off Connor’s lap, gently pushing his legs apart and reaching for his belt. _

_ “May I, Elder McKinley?” _

_ “You most certainly may,” Connor said, leaning back in his chair and running his fingers through Price’s hair. _

_ Price leant into Connor’s hand for a moment until he pulled his boxers down and took Connor in his hand. Slowly, he licked up the length and then swirled his tongue around the head, keeping his eyes locked into Connors. _

_ “Ohh, just like that...just like that,” Connor moaned, as Price began to bob his head up and down, “Fuck, Kev, yeah - just - ah, shit...Kev, you’re s-so good, such a good boy,” _

_ Price moaned at the praise and the vibrations sent shivers up Connor’s spine. _

_ “Oh, god,” Connor groaned, breathing heavily through his nose to try and stay as quiet as possible, “You’re such a good boy for me, Jesus...I’m gonna - I’m gonna come,” _

_ He tried to pull away before he did but Price stopped him with a muffled, “no!” and a firm hand on his thigh. Too overcome with pleasure to try and ask what was going on, Connor tangled his fingers in Price’s hair and rode out his orgasm. _

_ “Did you - did you just swallow all that?” Connor asked, looking down at his smug boyfriend. _

_ “Wanted to know what it was like,” Price shrugged, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, “So...do I get to go to the school now?” _

_ Connor laughed and leant down to kiss him, “After that, you can do whatever you damn please,” _

_ “Can I have a lie in tomorrow?” _

_ “No. You’re on breakfast duty,” _

_ “Ugh! Why?” _

_ “Because I am as well and I don’t want to do it alone,” _

_ “You just want morning sex, don’t you?” _

_ “I just want morning sex,” Connor confirmed. _

Connor is brought sharply back down to earth by his phone beeping. He snatches it up off the desk and unlocks it. It’s a text off Steve.

**“Not gonna be home on time. Massive car crash on the highway, loads of injuries. Overtime for me!!! :(“**

At least Connor has time to sort out the raging hard on he has from the memory of Kevin Price’s perfect lips.

\-----

The next morning - after a very long, very cold shower - Connor goes to meet Chris for breakfast. It’s only when he sits down at the table that he realises that Chris has a look on his face that Connor usually associates with being in trouble.

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

“We need to talk,”

“Ok...?”

“About you and Steve,”

Connor looks at Chris and pushes his eyebrows together, “You’re gonna have to be a bit more specific than that, Poptarts,”

“I read the blog posts you uploaded last night. About your vacation,” Chris begins, “and it just seems so..._fake. _It didn’t sound like you writing it. The only time any of it sounded anything like you was when you wrote about Kevin!”

Connor feels his cheeks heat up but he refuses to look away from Chris.

“I don’t know what you’re talking-”

“Don’t bullshit me, Connor,” Chris snaps, “you can’t lie to me and you know it. You still love him, don’t you?”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Chris,” Connor scoffs, “of course I don’t still love him! I love Steve!”

“Do you love _ him _ or do you love the _idea _of him?” Chris asks, “Listen, Con, I don’t know what you’re feeling, only _you _know what you’re feeling, but I do know that your eyes lit up in a way that I haven’t seen them in a long time when you were telling James and I about seeing him again,”

“Me being in love with him or not doesn’t actually matter,” Connor says quickly, “he’s married, remember? He was wearing a wedding ring,”

Chris sighs and runs a hand through his hair, “I just think you’re still going to have to reconsider your relationship,”

“I should have just ran after him whilst I had the chance,” Connor sighs, “I shouldn’t have let him go when we got back from Uganda,”

“Hindsight is 20/20,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank-you for reading!!! Comments/kudos/feedback/etc, etc, etc always appreciated!!!! 
> 
> <3


	7. Mundane

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING! 
> 
> -Mentions of conversion therapy  
-Internalised homophobia 
> 
> Don't read if any of this will make you uncomfortable!!!
> 
> <3

Before becoming a teacher, Kevin did not realise that the sound of the bell ringing at the end of the day brought as much joy to teachers as it did students. Sometimes Kevin thinks that the teachers are happier to hear it than the students. He knows that today, he is. It isn’t that he dislikes his job - because he doesn’t - he just didn’t like the fact that he had to cover for a colleague and got stuck with the worst class in the school at the end of the day.   
  
“Remember, Miss Melroy wants you to read the entirety of Act 2 before next week!” Kevin calls over the sounds of the students making a beeline for the door, “Alright?”   
  
Kevin is not surprised when no one replies and the classrooms empties quicker than it filled up. He doesn’t think that any of those students are going to pick up their copy of Romeo and Juliet, but it isn’t something he needs to worry about. They aren’t his kids.   
  
He stays behind at school for a little longer, answering emails he probably should have answered hours ago, getting started on marking essays and planning lessons for the rest of the week. As much as he loves Shakespeare, even Kevin is struggling to make it seem interesting.   
  
A text asking him how long it’s going to be before he gets home is what spurs Kevin to leave his classroom. The drive home is boring; the radio is refusing to work and the only CD’s he has is gospel music, so he suffers through three hymns until he pulls up in the driveway, wondering how life had been come so mundane so quickly.   
  
“Is that you Kevin, dear?” a voice from the kitchen calls.   
  
“Yeah!” Kevin shouts back, shrugging his coat off and hanging it on the back of the door, “what’s for dinner?”   
  
His wife, Lucy, pops her head around the kitchen door, smiling at him. Kevin smiles back and walks over, giving her a quick peck on the lips.   
  
“I made Spaghetti, is that OK?”   
  
“Great,” Kevin replies, opening the fridge and getting the cheese out, “have I missed anything exciting?”   
  
She shakes her head, “Not really. Your mom rang, went on about kids a bit...you know that your cousin is pregnant? Beth?”   
  
Kevin doesn’t reply straight away and busies himself with grating cheese into a bowl. Lucy likes to talk about kids, Kevin doesn’t. The only kids he likes to talk about are the ones that he teaches.   
  
“Oh my gosh, that’s a lot of kids, isn’t it?” he says carefully, “that’s what...number 5?”   
  
“Yes,” Lucy replies, “perhaps she could lend us one,”   
  
“Maybe,” Kevin says, starting to set the table, “as long as it isn’t Aaron. That child is annoying.”   
  
“People talk you know, at Church,”   
  
Kevin doesn't say anything.   
  
“They think it didn’t work,” she continues, “and that’s why we don’t have children, because after everything, it didn’t work. Sometimes - sometimes I feel that way,”   
  
Kevin surprises himself by slamming a fork down on the table and furiously looking up at his wife. She doesn’t flinch or look away from him.   
  
“We’ve been married a _year_, Lucy. We’ve barely had the time!” he snaps, “I work all the time, you work all the time-“   
  
“-you scheduled a school trip to Europe the week of our first wedding anniversary!”   
  
“Which I made up to you!” Kevin yells, “I took you away for the weekend!”   
  
“And I’m still not pregnant!”   
  
Kevin laughs at this and runs a hand through his hair, “How is that my fault?”   
  
“It’s your fault because we don’t _try_ enough!” Lucy yells back.   
  
Kevin (literally) bites his tongue and carries on setting the table in silence. He brushes passed Lucy and finishes cooking the dinner, doing his best to not carry on snapping at her. Why are Mormons so obsessed with having children? Why can’t two people be happy on their own, _without_ kids?   
  
“I’m sorry for bringing your treatment up. I know you don’t like talking about it,” Lucy says, finally breaking the silence, “it was wrong of me,”  
  
“It doesn’t matter,” Kevin sighs, “I shouldn’t have gotten angry,”   
  
Lucy leads the prayer before their meal, but Kevin doesn’t pay attention. He can’t actually remember the last time he paid attention to anything to do with Heavenly Father or the Church in general. He thinks he’s losing his faith again, but tries not to focus on it.   
  
Later that night, Kevin gives into Lucy’s (very obvious) advances and whispers sweet nothings into her ear as he thrusts in and out of her. As he does so, he can’t help but think that’s it’s a good job that she never had sex before marriage, or she’d know how terrible he actually is at the whole thing. His mind begins to wander to a certain red-headed Elder who wasn’t so bad at this sort of thing, but Kevin forces himself to focus on his wife instead.   
  
“That was nice,” she whispers to him, curling up beside him.   
  
Kevin mutters something non-committal under his breath, but it seems to satisfy her. She giggles, kisses him on the cheek and turns her back to him. Kevin stays awake for a while, staring at the ceiling. He would like to say he doesn’t know how he managed to get into this situation, but he is more than aware of the how; the moment he got off the plane from Uganda and saw the disappointed looks of his parents, he realised that he couldn’t stomach not being the perfect Mormon, so he turned his back on Arnold and the other Elders and everything that they had achieved and became the person he vowed never to become. He went to the Church Leaders and became a grovelling mess, begging for his old life back. He admitted to the..._unclean_ thoughts he had been having and agreed to be treated for it. Six months later, he was Elder Price again. Then he met Lucy, and he was the super mormon he had been before he had left for Uganda. 

And now, he’s trying to act as though he doesn’t regret everything.   
  
Once he is sure that Lucy is sleeping, Kevin pulls a t-shirt over his head and creeps out of the bedroom. He sits at the kitchen table and opens his laptop, his hands hovering over the keyboard. Is there really something so wrong with wanting to know what happened to the other Missionaries?   
  
Kevin types in ‘Arnold Cunningham’ and a Facebook profile comes up, but it is on private. The profile picture shows the backs of two people as they gaze out onto a beautiful sunset. It could be Arnold and Nabalungi but Kevin can’t be sure. He goes to type in Nabulungi’s name but realises that he can’t actually spell it so types in ‘Connor McKinley’ instead.   
  
He doesn’t know what he was expecting to come up, but a blog titled “_The_ _11 Things That This Gay Ex-Mormon will Achieve_” is definitely not what he was expecting. Feeling as though this blog is definitely not the sort he should be reading, Kevin clicks on it and gasps when he realises that it is indeed his old district leaders blog.   
  
Casting a furtive glance around the kitchen - despite being the only one there - Kevin begins to read through the blog. First he reads the introduction, and his heart swells because he can actually hear Connor saying it.   
  
“_Hey! Thanks for reading this blog, even if you only get this far, I appreciate it! I wrote a list about all the things that I was going to achieve when my very Mormon family threw me (their very gay son) out of the house after my Mission imploded, and I wanted to document me achieving those 11 things. I don’t know if I’ll ever achieve them, but it’s nice to try, right? ___  
__  
_If you’ve come specifically because of the list, __click here__, if you’ve come here to find out what terrible things happen on a Mission after it implodes, __click here__, and if you have no idea what you want to read, __click here__ for a random post!___  
__  
_Thanks for caring enough to read this far. And if you have read this far....you might as well become a regular visitor, because what else are you gonna do with your day? ___  
_  
__-Connor_,”   
  
Kevin clicks for a random post and his breath hitches in his throat when his laptop shows him a blog post titled, “_Catching Up with Old (Ex-Missionary) Friends!_” Kevin quickly scrolls through the post, stopping when he comes across a picture of Arnold and Nabulungi. They are sat in a bar somewhere, grinning widely at the camera. It takes a moment for Kevin to notice Chris and James in the background, waving at the camera. He stares at their hands, noticing wedding rings there. They had gotten married and he wasn’t even there to see it.   
  
His throat constricts as he scrolls through all the pictures, showing all his friends happy and laughing without him. Connor is only in one of the pictures and Kevin can’t help but stare at the slightly grainy picture of his old District Leader; he is sat down at the bar, his face half obscured by a hand reaching out to shield himself from the camera. Kevin isn’t sure why, but he just knows that the picture was taken by Arnold.   
  
Kevin spends too long going through all of Connors blog posts, his heart leaping every time his name is mentioned; “_this is just one of those things that only Elder Price would be able to get away with,” ; “obviously, this was all Elder Price’s doing but why on earth would I tell Chris that? I was not going to be responsible for my best friend murdering someone. It doesn’t seem like it, but I am actually trying to avoid Hell,” ; “Elder Price didn’t really appreciate being the butt of the joke, but I think it did him some good. It definitely did the other Elders some good though, seeing Price being made fun of for once,_”.   
  
As he reads, Kevin realises that he has forgotten a lot of these memories. He pushed them down during his treatment but now that he’s alone, he allows himself to remember all the things that Connor is talking about...allows himself to remember Connor.   
  
The relationship with his district leader was..._odd_ before the ex-communication. But once they were free from the Church, Kevin was quite sure that he never spent more than 10 minutes away from Connor. It had turned out quite well, actually: Arnold spent most of his nights with Nabulungi, James moved into Chris and Connor’s Room, and Connor moved into Kevin and Arnold’s Room. It had been perfect. Everything felt as though it was as it should have been.   
  
But it was wrong, and Kevin still has to remind himself of that sometimes. Just because Connor could make him feel good didn’t mean that it _was_ good. The Lord had sent Connor McKinley as a test for Kevin, and Kevin failed. Miserably. But he had paid for that failure, and he continues to do so everyday.   
  
His heart stops when he comes across a post called, “_Dear Kevin_,” because he knows exactly who it is about. His hovers the mouse of it for a while, wondering if he should read it, but curiosity gets the better of him and he has to:   
  
“_Dear Kevin, _

_Last night I got drunk. And you know better than anyone that this is unlike me. I don’t drink. I hate the taste and the smell of beer, but I drank 8 pints of it last night because I couldn’t deal with the fact that we were talking about you. _

_You were perfect. We were perfect. Everything was perfect. But then you up and left without so much as a goodbye. If you realised you didn’t love me, that’s OK. I don’t want you to pretend that you loved me. I just wish you said goodbye. We never said goodbye. You waved, and then you were gone. _

_So this is my goodbye to you. You might never read this, but I need someone outside of Chris, James, Arnold and Naba to hear this. _

_Kevin, I loved you. I really did. I loved how hard you worked, I loved the sound of your laughter, I loved the way you would snuggle closer to me in the morning to try and stop be from getting out of bed. I just loved being in your presence. I loved to look around the room and see you there, because it made me feel safe; you made me feel safe. _

_And it’s become clear to me that I was none of this for you and that’s OK, because I wouldn’t want to force you into anything. _

_Thank-you, Kevin, for everything. You made me happy for two years, and I cannot be angry about that. _

_Good-bye, _

_Connor_ ,”    
  
Kevin sobs his way through the post, clamping a hand over his mouth so Lucy does not hear. He wants to find Connor and tell him that he was everything to him; that Connor was his safe place, that he loved him more than he had loved anyone before and that he still loves him. As this thought enters his head, Kevin’s sobs become more violent and he has to bite down on his lip to shut himself up.    
  
He still loves Connor McKinley.    
  
Kevin Price is still very much in love with Connor McKinley and he can’t help it. His wife is fast asleep upstairs under the impression that they are going to be working through their issues, but they never will. Because Kevin doesn’t love her. He loves someone else. He always has.    
  
Heart beating out of control, Kevin scrolls down to the comments section of the post, ready to spill his entire heart and soul to Connor, but the comments are disabled. Kevin frowns at his laptop, perhaps this is a sign from Heavenly Father to stop reading. To move on from Connor McKinley once and for all.    
  
He just knows that he’ll never be able to.    
  
Kevin accidentally reads every single post that Connor has ever written and it is suddenly 4 in the morning. Electing not to worry about the fact that he has promised Lucy that he will go and get breakfast with her, Kevin turns his laptop off and goes to bed, but not before he leaves a comment on Connor’s most recent blog about his trip to Manchester.    
  
** _“Great to see you again, man!”_ **   
  
Kevin reads the comment over and over again before pressing send, just to make sure that it doesn’t sound too weird or too flirtatious. When he’s sure that it’s a perfectly normal comment to leave on a blog post, he presses send and makes his way back up to bed.    
  
“Where have you been?” Lucy asks him sleepily.    
  
“I was just getting some grading done,”    
  
“You work too much,”   
  
“Probably,”    
  
Kevin soon realises that the hope he will fall into a peaceful sleep is a product of his naivety. He falls asleep, all right, but it is anything but peaceful.    
  
_ He’s back in the mission hut. The air is heavy but there’s a tiny breeze squeezing through a crack in the wall of his and Arnold’s room. Kevin sits cross legged on the bed, staring at the door, waiting. Finally, it opens and Connor walks in.  _ __   
__   
_ Only it isn’t Connor. His eyes are not their usual blue, but dark. Almost black, and his uniform is red. But this doesn’t scare Kevin. It excites him.  _ __   
__   
_ “How patient are you, Kevin Price?” he muses, walking over to the bed too slowly, “how long have you been waiting here for me?”  _ __   
__   
_ “Too long,” is all Kevin manages to reply. He can feel is trousers tightening and worries he might burst unless Connor gets to him soon.  _ __   
__   
_ Connor laughs quietly and gets onto the bed, crawling over to Kevin and catching his lips in his. Already, Kevin is moaning as Connor’s hands are in his hair, tugging at all the right spots.  _ __   
__   
_ “You’re always eager, aren’t you, Kevin?”  _ __   
__   
_ “Only for you,” Kevin gasps out as Connors lips begin attacking his neck, “oh my god, Connor, just like - ah - just like that,” he arches into Connor’s grip, wanting to stay there forever.  _ __   
__   
_ Connors hands are at Kevin’s shirt, ripping it open with such force that the buttons ping off. Then his tie is gone and Kevin is putty in Connor’s hands.  _ __   
__   
_ “Tell me what you want, baby,” Connor whispers, sliding his own shirt off, “tell me what you want from me,”  _ __   
__   
_ But Kevin can’t say it, knowing where he’ll end up. Connor seems to sense this because he laughs and shakes his head. _ __   
__   
_ “Kevin, you were always destined for Hell, what harm is this going to do?”  _ __   
__   
_ “I can fight it,” Kevin replies back stubbornly, though he really does feel like he’s going to burst and all he wants is Connor, “I’m back on the right path. I’m married!”  _ __   
__   
_ “Are you really thinking of your wife now, Elder Price?” Connor asks, his hand cupping Kevin over his temple garments, “does she make you feel like this? Does she tell you how well you’re doing? How much of a good boy you are?”  _ __   
__   
_ Kevin whimpers and thrusts his hips towards Connor.  _ __   
__   
_ “Please, Connor,”  _ __   
__   
_ “Please what?”  _ __   
__   
_ “Fuck me,” _ __   
  
Kevin takes such a long and cold shower the next morning that he has to miss breakfast.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiiiii, thank-you for reading as always!! 
> 
> <3


	8. Hot and Cold

Connor hums under his breath as he works on his latest blog post. Steve is leaning with his back against Connor’s arm, scrolling through his phone, occasionally sitting up to show Connor something funny that comes on Facebook. They are a picture of domestic bliss, it’s just a shame that none of it is real. 

Technically, Connor no longer believes in turning it off. How could he when he has a boyfriend? But that doesn’t stop him from _ technically _ turning off the feeling that he most definitely shouldn’t be in this relationship. He knows that he loves Steve, but it isn’t the sort of love that one would usually associate with a boyfriend. No, he loves the _concept_ of Steve. There is something magnetic about having a relationship with the person who had been the reason that Connor found himself in conversion therapy in the first place; it is almost like another act of rebellion against the Church, but it isn’t real love. 

Connor spends most of his nights wondering if Steve feels the same. It had been nice to bump into him that day in the coffee shop, and the night that followed had certainly not been a bad one, but they should have just left it there and parted ways again. Connor also probably shouldn’t have made such a big deal about the relationship on the blog because now all people ask is when they’re going to get married. Connor wants to tell them that they’ll never get married, but he never does. He just does his best to ignore them. 

His thoughts are suddenly interrupted by a number of loud bangs on the front door. Steve yelps and sits up, his phone flying out of his hands. 

“Who the fuck is that?” Steve asks over the sound of the continued banging. 

“I have a feeling it’s Arnold,” Connor mutters, placing his laptop on the coffee table and walking to the front door, “he’s never quite understood the concept of being quiet,”

Connor is right. It is Arnold on the other side of the door and he looks quite distressed; wringing his hands together and bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet. 

“You alright, buddy?” Connor asks anxiously. 

“Can I come in? I need to talk to you about something,” 

“I mean, sure, but Steve is here so if you don't want him to hear-”

But Arnold doesn’t wait for Connor to finish speaking. He just brushes past him and hurries into the living room. Growing more concerned (and confused) by the minute, Connor shuts the front door and follows Arnold back into the living room, where he is stood holding out his phone to Connor. 

“Look,” 

It takes Connor a minute to realise what he’s actually looking at. 

“That’s the comment section on my new blog, Arn,” Connor says slowly, frowning at his friend, “I haven’t looked through it yet, I don’t understand-”

“No, no. The top comment. Look at it,”

Connor’s eyes flick back to the phone and he feels his heart drop to his stomach. 

**K_Price: ** ** _Great to see you again, man!_ **

“Oh, my god,” Connor breathes, “he actually - he actually read it!” 

Arnold nods slowly and his eyes fill with tears, “Do you - do you think he cares again? He must do, right?”

“I didn’t even tell him the name of the blog...he must have searched for it,” Connor says, his mind racing almost as fast as his heart, “is this - do you think this is him reaching out again?”

“I don’t know, but you need to try, Con!” Arnold says earnestly, “reply back to the comment! Tell him to email you! Something, _ please. _I really - I really miss him. I just want to know he’s alright,” 

“Of course, Arnold, I’ll try and get through to him. I promise,” 

Arnold leaves soon after this to get to work, and Connor makes a mental note to ring him later in the evening to make sure that he’s OK. The only time Arnold Cunningham seems less than OK is when Kevin comes back into the picture, however brief his appearance may be. 

For the rest of the day, Connor cannot focus on anything but the fact that _ Kevin Price _ had read his blog post. He couldn’t help but wonder how many other posts he had read. Was this just a one off thing or can Connor look forward to receiving comments off of **K_Price **in the future. It took Connor two hours to reply back to the comment, worried that it would come across as flirtatious. 

**Connor.McKinley: ** ** _@K_Price email me! We shouldn’t drift apart again! The other guys really want to see you!_ **

Even that seemed too much to Connor, but he sent it before he drove himself insane. 

“I don’t understand the fascination,” Steve says casually as he cooks them dinner.

“You don’t understand the fascination with what?” Connor asks, looking up from his laptop. 

“Kevin,” 

Feeling an argument brewing, Connor shuts his laptop and looks up at Steve. 

“He and Arnold were very close back in Uganda, he just feels-”

“No, I’m not talking about Arnold. I’m talking about _ you _,” Steve says bluntly.

Connor raises his eyebrows, “We lived together for two years under very strange circumstances, Steve. Being on a mission, it...it heightens everything. You really do make friends for life, whether you like it or not,”

“But you and Kevin weren’t just friends, were you? You were together for Christs Sake!” Steve snaps, “so sorry for finding the fact that you’re obsessing over your ex-boyfriend a little bit worrying!”

“I’m not obsessing over him!” Connor retorts with a scoff, “it's just - what we had was good, Steve. It was nice. And then he left me and it really fucked me up, and I’ve missed him. I still miss him! But not...not like _ that _,”

It’s a barefaced lie, but Steve doesn’t see through it.

“Really?” Steve asks quietly. 

“Of course!” Connor exclaims, and he can’t quite understand why he’s still lying. Even Arnold wouldn’t lie about something like this, “Of course I don’t see him like that anymore! He’s married and I have you!” 

He jumps up from his seat and goes over to Steve, gently placing his hands on his waist. 

“Why would I obsess over Kevin Price when I have you right here?” Connor asks quietly, kissing him softly, “I love you,”

Steve smiles and places a soft kiss on his forehead. 

“I love you, too,” 

That night, Connor goes back to Hell for the first time in years.

_ Connor raises a shaking hand to his brow and wipes the sweat away. He’s always felt as though his version of Hell being so hot was a terrible cliche. Sometimes he just wishes that it could be a little cooler. _

_ “It’s been a while, Elder McKinley,” comes the disembodied voice of Satan. _

_ In all of his years of having Hell dreams, Connor has never seen Satan. He would very much like it to stay that way. _

_ “That’s not my name,” Connor replies, fighting to keep his voice from shaking, “I’m not an Elder anymore,” _

_ “And when you lost that title, you moved one step closer to _ me _ ,” _

_ Tears spring to Connor’s eyes and he shakes his head, “N-No. That isn’t true. I’m not - I don’t live in sin. There’s nothing wrong with who I am,” _

_ Satan chuckles and the sound sends terrible shivers down his spine. _

_ “Now, now, Connor....do I have to remind you of your feelings towards a man who isn’t your boyfriend?” _

_ Tears stream down Connor’s face as he drops to his knees, his head in his hands. _

_ “Not only are you living in sin with another man, but you’re lying to him,” Satan continues, “Remind me of who said, “being gay is bad, but lying is worse,”’ _

_ Connor cannot speak, he just sobs into his hands. He knows that none of this is real. That nothing in Hell can hurt him, but none of this will matter unless he wakes up soon. _

_ “I was - I was wrong to say that,” Connor says, “it’s not - I was young and I was stupid and I never should have said it,” _

_ “Just remember where you belong, Connor McKinley. Remember where you belong,” _

_ Fire engulfs the room, rushing towards Connor, but before it gets to him, his eyes shoot open. _

“Jesus! Connor? What’s wrong? Connor? Connor!” 

“Ste - Steve?” Connor gasps, sitting up in bed, “Is that - is that you? Steve?”

“Hey, Con, it’s OK. I’m here, I’m here,” Steve whispers, putting his arms around Connor, “Nightmare?”

“Hell dream,” Connor mutters, leaning into Steve, “it was...I’m sorry. I haven’t had one for a long time, I don’t usually react this way,”

Steve smiles down at him and runs his fingers through his hair, “Don’t apologise for anything. I remember you having them when we were younger,”

Connor sniffles and nuzzles his head into the crook of Steve’s neck, because that’s what he would do with Kevin. And then Kevin would sing to him until he fell asleep because he actually has a beautiful voice, he just never lets anyone other than Connor hear - _ no. _Connor stops himself from thinking about Kevin and how he’d comfort him after a Hell dream. Doing that isn’t going to help anyone. 

“I need to go to work,” Steve whispers, “sorry, babe,”

Connor sighs and nods, pulls away from Steve.

“Have a nice day,” 

He wishes that he could say the bed felt cold without Steve, but it just felt the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank-you for reading!! 
> 
> <3


	9. From: K.Price@townsendhs.com, To: Connor.McKinley@gmail.com

**From: ** [ **K.Price@** ](mailto:K.Price@gmai.com) ** [townsendhs.com](mailto:K.Price@townsendhs.com) **

**To:** [**Connor.McKinley@gmail.com**](mailto:Connor.McKinley@gmail.com)

**Subject Line - Hey! **

**Hi,**

**Sorry it’s taken me so long to email you. I did see that you replied to my comment but then finals week happened and all of my free time was taken up with calming down my kids (my work kids, I mean, not my actual kids. I don’t have actual kids to calm down). **

**I love your blog, by the way. It’s just so you. I very nearly told someone in Church about it but then I remembered the name and I didn’t think that it would slide well with them. **

**This would be longer but I have a ‘crisis meeting’ with one of my students who's convinced herself that she’s going to fail every test she sits. I’m going to calm her down in the way that you used to calm us down in Uganda when it all got too much for us - hot chocolate and the Little Mermaid soundtrack because it was the only CD that worked. (I mean, I do have more to choose from but I know that it definitely calms people down!)**

**Speak to you soon, **

**Kevin. **

*******

**From: ** [ **Connor.McKinley@gmail.com** ](mailto:Connor.McKinley@gmail.com)

**To: ** [ **K.Price@townsendhs.com** ](mailto:K.Price@townsendhs.com)

**Subject Line - Re: Hey!**

**Hey, **

**Don’t worry about not replying quickly, I imagine that you don’t have a lot of free time with that job of yours! **

**Thanks for reading the blog, man. I didn’t really think that it would be your cup of tea now that you’ve gone back to the Church, but thanks for reading! And yeah...I don’t know if talking about it in Church would be the best idea. Still, you must go to a pretty progressive one, right? I know James has started going back every now and then and he says that the one he goes to is completely fine with him and Chris. He’s dying to get the rest of us to go, but I just don’t know how ready I am for that. **

**And I hope your ‘crisis meeting’ went OK. I’ll never forget the days after the ex-communication when all the Elders were lined up outside my office, all in a panic. I don’t think I’ve ever made so many hot chocolates in my life. **

**Best, **

**Connor. **

*******

**From: ** [ **K.Price@** ](mailto:K.Price@gmai.com) ** [townsendhs.com](mailto:K.Price@townsendhs.com) **

**To:** [**Connor.McKinley@gmail.com**](mailto:Connor.McKinley@gmail.com)

**Subject Line - Re: Re: Hey! **

**Yeah, no, free time is not a thing that I’ve experienced in a loooooooong time. I wouldn’t change my job for the world though. Also, my parents did pay for me to go to college so I think that they’d kill me if I announced that I was going to quit my job. **

**I’m glad that James has started going back to Church though. I was terrified the first time I stepped foot in a temple after everything that had happened. I think I might have been convinced that I was going to burst into flames. But I didn’t. (Obviously.) **

**The crisis meeting was...fine. She didn’t cry as much as she usually does when its final weeks so...I guess that's a good thing?**

**Still, I’m not really as good at calming people down as you are. You could always calm me down, though. In more ways than one. **

**Kevin. **

*******

**From: ** [ **K.Price@** ](mailto:K.Price@gmai.com) ** [townsendhs.com](mailto:K.Price@townsendhs.com) **

**To:** [**Connor.McKinley@gmail.com**](mailto:Connor.McKinley@gmail.com)

**Subject Line - Birthday! **

**Hey,**

**I know I’ve (literally) just emailed you but I just looked at my calendar and realised that it’s your birthday on saturday! I have no idea if you have anything planned or not, but I was wondering if you wanted to maybe meet up for a few drinks? You and me and the rest of the guys? **

**It’s fine if you have something else planned, we can just re-schedule!**

*******

**From: ** [ **Connor.McKinley@gmail.com** ](mailto:Connor.McKinley@gmail.com)

**To: ** [ **K.Price@townsendhs.com** ](mailto:K.Price@townsendhs.com)

**Subject Line - Re: Birthday!**

**It is my birthday on saturday! I’m surprised you remembered, considering it’s been so long. **

**I was just gonna go for a couple of drinks with everyone, but I’d love for you to come! I don’t know where we’re going yet but I’ll sort it out with everyone else and then let you know. **

**Just so you know, Arnold will probably squeeze you to death so I recommend getting your assets in order before saturday. **

**(Not promising that ** ** _I _ ** **won't squeeze you to death)**

**See you then!!!!**

*******

**From: ** [ **K.Price@** ](mailto:K.Price@gmai.com) ** [townsendhs.com](mailto:K.Price@townsendhs.com) **

**To:** [**Connor.McKinley@gmail.com**](mailto:Connor.McKinley@gmail.com)

**Subject Line - Re: Re: Birthday! **

**Sort of offended that you don’t think that I might be the one to crush Arnold to death. **

**Excited to see you again (and excited for you to squeeze me to death).**

**Love, **

**Kevin. **

*******

_ Love, Kevin. Love, Kevin. Love, Kevin. Love, Kevin. Love, Kevin. _

The words seem to dance around Connor’s brain and worst of all, he can’t even stop this from happening. 

“I’m in deep shit,” he mutters, taking out his phone to text the group chat and inform them that Kevin Price is set to make his grand return. 

**Arn**

**>SERIOUSLY???**

**>HES ACTUALLY COMING????**

**Connor**

**< He’s actually coming. **

**< Don’t freak out Arn.**

**Naba**

**>Too late. **

**>He’s actually screaming. **

**Chris**

**>Jeez, I never thought we’d see him again**

**>I still might fight him though**

**>I haven’t decided yet**

**James**

**>The Prodigal Son returns who’d have fucking though it **

**Connor **

**< Not me, that’s for sure**

**Chris**

**** **> What a lovely birthday present for you, Con**

**>your ex-boyfriend coming to your party with his husband **

**>I wonder if he’s hot?**

**Connor**

**<Kevin?**

**Chris**

**> No you idiot, Kevin’s husband **

**>We already know that Kevin’s hot **

**James**

**>I can’t even get mad at that because he is hot **

Connor doesn’t want to think about whoever Kevin has married, so he just drops his phone into his desk drawer and returns to work. For the first time in a long time, he is excited about his birthday, and all for the wrong reasons. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank-you for reading! <3


	10. Pray the Gay Away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!TRIGGER WARNING!!
> 
> -Homophobia  
-Mention of conversion therapy 
> 
> !!Please don't read if you're going to be made uncomfortable by any of this!! 
> 
> <3

“What time did you tell Kevin to come?” Chris asks as they take their seats in the bar. 

It is Connor's 30th birthday, and he does not feel great about the fact that he has turned 30 without achieving all 11 points on the list. He had always hoped that by the time his 30th birthday rolled around, he would be close to - or already written! - a blog post about how he has finally reached point 11. 

“I...I may have told him a little later than I told the rest of you,” he admits, “just so - just so we could...prepare?”

“Well, I’m excited!” Arnold says brightly, clapping his hands together, “I can’t believe how long it’s been!” 

“I just can’t wait to meet his husband,” Naba says giddily, “I wonder what he’s like?”

Connor makes the mistake of looking over at Chris just as Naba says this. Chris raises his eyebrows at him and then looks over at Steve as though to say, “_ do you really think you’re going to be able to handle this? _” Connor just rolls his eyes and tries not to make it obvious that he’s obsessively looking over at the door. 

“Oh, shit, here he is,” James says suddenly, “and he’s with - he’s with a _ woman _?”

“He’s with a _ what _?” Connor asks, turning around in his chair so quickly that he hurts his back, “oh, he is - he is actually with a woman,” 

Naba rolls her eyes, “Chill, it’s probably just his sister or-”

“KEVIN!” Arnold bellows, cutting Naba off and making Connor jump, “BUDDY!” 

Arnold launches himself out of his seat and over to Kevin, enveloping him in a hug with such force that Kevin actually stumbles backwards into someone else's table. At first, Kevin doesn’t reciprocate the hug and Connor panics, thinking that Arnold has overstepped a boundary, but then he wraps his arms around Arnold and Connor feels himself relax. 

“Alright, pal?” Kevin asks, and Connor thinks that he sounds a little teary, “I’ve missed you,” 

“Oh, this is - this is actually sweet,” Chris says quietly, wiping his eyes, “I think I still hate Kevin though,” he adds. 

“Behave,” James hisses, nudging Chris in the side, “don’t ruin this,”

“Guys! Look! It’s Kevin!” Arnold exclaims, hurrying back over to the table and dragging Kevin behind him, “Look!”

“Yes, we can see that it’s Kevin,” Naba giggles, standing up to hug Kevin, “it is lovely to see you again, Kevin,”

“You too, Naba,” Kevin says quietly, “hey, guys."

Connor stands up and holds his arms out to Kevin who grins and pulls him into a hug. Just this simple gesture brings tears to Connor's eyes and he feels himself relaxing into the hug and for a moment, it's as though he and Kevin are the only people in the world. 

“Hey,” James says so loudly that Connor and Kevin jump apart, both blushing furiously.

Connor can hear Chris sniggering and he suddenly has the urge to punch his best friend in the face. 

“I didn’t even know you had a sister, Kevin. I thought it was just you and your brothers,” Chris says, gesturing at the woman and still giggling. 

The woman frowns, “Oh, no, I’m his wife. Lucy," 

Connor chokes on his drink and looks up at Kevin, who is staring determindley at the ceiling. Lucy looks politely confused whilst Arnold is staring between the two of them as though expecting someone to shout, ‘hahaha, just kidding!’. Connor is waiting for someone to shout, ‘hahaha, just kidding!’. 

“Oh. I didn’t know you were bisexual, Kevin,” James says.

“I’m not,” Kevin says. 

“Pan?” 

“No,” 

James frowns, “I...I am confused. I don’t know - what else could you be?” 

“Straight people exist, love,” Chris whispers, awkwardly patting James’ hand. 

“Yeah, but Kevin isn’t-”

“He’s married to a woman,” Lucy cuts across, her voice cold, “I can assure you that he is straight,” 

An awkward silence falls across the table, and Connor is trying his best to fight back the tears that are threatening to spill from his eyes. He looks down at his knees and tries to breathe through it, but he’s finding it very difficult. 

“I’m going to the bathroom,” Connor says, standing up rather abruptly, “I won’t be long,” 

He all but runs to the bathroom, grateful to find them empty. He slams the door behind him and staggers over to the sinks, splashing water onto his face. None of this seems real. It _ can’t _ be real. He glances around the bathroom, wondering if he’s in a Hell dream. How on earth could Kevin claim to be _ straight _ ? Bisexual would make perfect sense, but _ straight _? 

“Con, are you alright?” 

Connor looks in the mirror and sees Chris stood behind him, a worried expression on his face. 

“How can he sit there and act like he’s _straight_?” Connor asks, his voice shaking, “how he can sit there and act like we never - that _nothing_ ever happened between us?”

“You said he had a husband,” Chris says. 

“I thought he did!” Connor exclaims, “when I saw the wedding ring I just assumed that he’d married a guy, because as far as I’m aware, he’s very much gay!”

“Alright, alright, alright,” Chris says soothingly, “Connor, it’s your birthday. This is _ your _day. Don’t let Kevin and his weird wife ruin it, OK?” 

Connor takes a deep breath and nods, “I know. You’re right. I should just - I’ve moved on. Whatever is going on Kevin’s life doesn’t affect me anymore,” 

Chris grins and hugs him, “Onwards and upwards, buddy, onwards and upwards. Ready to go back out?”

Connor just nods, not trusting himself to speak. 

“Sorry,” Connor says when he and Chris go back to their table. His chair is opposite Kevin’s and he wishes that it wasn’t because he’s sort of forced to look at him, “Just had a funny turn. I think I’m panicking about turning 30,” 

Steve laughs and kisses Connor on the cheek, “he’s been worrying about it for months,” 

“I dealt with turning 30 by acting as though I turned 21,” Chris says brightly, “It was four months ago but I think I’m still hungover,” 

A strange look flickers over Lucy’s face, “I thought you were still members of the Church?”

“Not anymore,” Arnold says, frowning, “I thought...I thought Kevin would have told you,”

“He told me you all went back to the Church,” Lucy says, looking up at Kevin with raised eyebrows. 

“No, no, I just said that James has started going back to Church,” Kevin says hurriedly, “I think you misheard me, babe,”

“I must have done,” Lucy says, but Connor doesn’t think she’s convinced. She turns to James and smiles, “So how do the Church deal with...ah, your _ lifestyle _?”

James cocks his head to the side ever so slightly, a sure sign that he's getting angry. 

“The bishop thinks that I should eat healthier, but he’s a bit of a health freak anyway so everyone told me to not take it so personally,”

“You should eat healthier though,” Steve says, giving Lucy a funny look, “speaking as a Nurse,” 

“Oh, no, I didn’t mean that. I meant-”

“We know what you meant,” Chris says coldly, “they’re fine with it. They’re good people,”

“I can’t imagine having queers in our church,” Lucy continues, apparently oblivious to everything. 

“You can’t imagine having _ what _in your church?” Connor asks. 

“Queers,” Lucy repeats, “I can’t imagine having queers in our Church. Can you, Kevin?”

Kevin suddenly seems quite interested in his drink as he doesn’t look at anyone when he speaks, “Well, I mean, I don’t think - there’s nothing wrong with - if they wanted to come I think they - I mean, they have the right to go to church, don’t they?”

Arnold clears his throat, “I think that the Book of Mormon should catch up with the times and accept everyone. No matter what,”

“Or everyone should just follow the Book of Arnold,” Naba says with a delicate shrug of her shoulders.

“The Book of Arnold isn’t a real religious book though, is it?” Lucy asks. 

“Yes,” Naba says, frowning, “It has a following,” 

“Yeah, anyway...uh, James what do you do now?” Kevin asks hurriedly, glancing sideways at Lucy who looked as though she had just bit into a very sour lemon. 

After this, the night isn’t so bad. Connor sort of wishes that Lucy and Steve aren’t there, because if Lucy and Steve weren’t there, then Connor and Kevin would probably be together and everything would be different. Everything would be as it should be. 

“I’m tired,” Lucy says after a while. 

“You can go home if you want,” Kevin says, wiping tears of laughter from his eyes after James had finished telling a story about their time in Uganda. 

“Can I, um, can I _ trust _ you?” Lucy asks. 

Connor notices a muscle twitching in Kevin’s jaw, “Yes. Of course,”

Lucy nods, “OK. Well...text me when you’re on the way home,” 

No one speaks until she’s out of the bar. 

“What the hell was that about?” Steve asks. 

“I, um...it’s just...I found God again. I got...I got treatment,” 

Nabulungi gaps and claps her hands over her mouth, tears sparkling in her eyes. Steve turns to Connor and puts his arm around his shoulder, whispering something in his ear but Connor cannot focus on anything but Kevin openly admitting to doing the thing that Connor vowed he would never have to go through when they had started their relationship. 

“Treatment?” Arnold asks, “I don’t understand. You don't mean...you're not talking about..._that _sort of treatment, are you?” 

“Conversion therapy,” Connor says through gritted teeth, “Kevin has had conversion therapy,” 

Kevin sighs and hangs his head, “I know how you feel about it, Connor but-”

“Don’t you _ dare _try and defend it to me, Price,” Connor snaps. 

“But it worked!” Kevin exclaimed, “look at me, I’m married! I’m _ happy _!”

“Buddy...why would you...why would you do that?” Arnold asks, “why would you put yourself through that? You and Connor were-”

“Living in sin,” Kevin says, his voice shaking, “We shouldn’t have - we shouldn’t have done anything that we did,” 

James laughs at this. 

“I can’t believe this, Kevin. I really, _really_ can’t. Are you telling me that you think Chris and I are living in sin? That Connor and Steve are?”

“Well, no, I - I don’t, actually. I don’t think that there’s anything wrong with it,” 

“So why did you go to this therapy?” Nabulungi asks, “why have you forced yourself to marry a woman who you clearly don’t love?” 

“Do you want to go home, love?” Steve asks, rubbing Connor’s thigh slightly, “I don’t know if it’s good for you to be-”

“No, I’m OK,” Connor says, “It’s Price who isn’t OK,”

“I’m fine!” Kevin yells, “My gosh, Connor! Just because you’re not over me!” 

“Oh, my god!” Connor exclaims, “Jesus Christ, praying the gay away seems to have enflated your ego, hasn’t it?” 

“Connor,” Chris says, “just - just leave it. We should all just go home and-” 

“Maybe _ you _should try praying the gay away,” Kevin snaps. 

Connor opens his mouth and then closes it again, unable to believe that Kevin could say something like that to him. Steve puts his arm around Connor and pulls him closer, but Connor still can’t take his eyes off Kevin who has the nerve to start _ crying _. 

“Fuck you, Kevin Price,” Connor says quietly, “seriously, fuck you. You are - I _ cannot _ believe - you know what - you know what my therapy did to me - how it - I still have nightmares and you - good, god... _ fuck you _.” 

“Connor, wait, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-”

“What did you mean, then?” Connor asks furiously, “what could you have _ possibly _ meant by that?” 

When Kevin doesn’t reply, Connor laughs and shakes his head, standing up. 

“I’m going to get some air,” he says. 

Steve goes to stand up but Connor puts his hand on his boyfriend's shoulder, “No, I - I want to be alone,” 

When the cool air hits Connor, he breathes deeply and wanders around the side of the bar, leaning back against the wall. He closes his eyes and allows himself to cry. How can he still be in love with someone as despicable as Kevin Price? And yet, Connor still can’t believe that he is even thinking about Kevin Price as despicable. The Kevin Price that Connor is in love with is kind and caring, can barely say a bad word about anyone. 

The Kevin Price that Connor knows would_ never _suggest that someone should pray the gay away. 

“Connor? Are you out here?”

Connor rolls his eyes at the sound of Kevin’s voice. 

“I’m pretty sure I said that I wanted to be alone,” 

“Oh, there you are,” Kevin says, popping his head around the corner, “I want to...I want to apologise. Seriously. Everything I just said. I don’t - I don’t actually mean anything by it. You know that, right?” 

“You still fucking said it though, didn’t you?” Connor snaps, pushing himself off the wall and turning to face Kevin, “even though you, better than _ anyone _ , knows how much it fucked me up! How many times did I wake up in the middle of the night sobbing because I thought that I was back there? How many times did _ you _ get in a panic thinking you’d have to go? How often did I promise you that no matter what, you would not end up there? And now you’re telling me that it _ worked _? That you’re the straightest person to ever walk the earth?”

Kevin looks away from him, “Don’t you think I realise all this?”

“If you realised that then we wouldn’t be having this conversation!” Connor yells, “you wouldn’t be married and-”

Connor suddenly finds it quite difficult to speak and it takes him a few seconds to realise that it’s because Kevin is kissing him, and he is kissing him back. And Kevin’s hands are in Connor’s hair and Connor is pulling them closer together, and he thinks that he might just stay here for the rest of time. 

But then Kevin pulls away and Connor has to fight the urge to grab his face and kiss him again. 

“Happy Birthday, Connor,” 

And he walks away, leaving Connor feeling quite confused.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: this was the first chapter I wrote for this fic because I listened to the Waitress cast recording lmao
> 
> Thank-you for reading! Comments/kudos always appreciated and all that!! 
> 
> <3


	11. Éponine and Marius

Connor doesn’t tell anyone about the kiss, because what could he say? Who could he tell? If he told Chris, he would get pissed off, if he told James, he would try and talk him out of ever seeing Kevin again, if he told Nabulungi, she would try and convince him to break up with Steve and if he told Arnold...well, Arnold would probably just cry. 

And he obviously doesn’t tell Steve, because even though Connor knows that he’s a bad person, he doesn’t really want Steve to know how much of a bad person he is. 

It started off as little things. Kevin started texting Connor, and Connor started texting Kevin back. Then Connor would start picking Kevin up from work; parking a couple of blocks away from the school so that no one would see them together. It was like when they first started dating in Uganda; stolen kisses, secret hand holding and rushed blowjobs in places that always leave Connor with cricks in his neck.

And he always feels terrible because he knows that Kevin is fragile and he knows that none of this will be helping him and so whenever Connor gets home from his time with Kevin, he vows that it’ll be the last time. But then Kevin will text him, say that works stressing him out, that he needs to unwind and Connor just can’t say no. 

Connor is struggling through a really quite terrible blogpost when his phone beeps. He knows who it is before he even picks up his phone to check. 

**Kevin**

**> What are you doing this weekend?**

**Connor**

**< I don’t know yet Steve is working **

**< Why?**

**Kevin**

**> Steves not gonna be home?**

**> Won't ask where you are?**

**Connor **

**< No he’s gonna sleep at the hospital **

**< Are you gonna tell me why you’re quizzing me on Steves schedule or can I go back to work?**

**Kevin**

**> Lucy is away with work all weekend **

**>I’m gonna be on my own **

Connor knows that the right thing to do would be to block Kevin’s number and act like the whole thing never happened, but like a teenager about to lose their virginity, a free house is just too enticing. 

“We shouldn’t do this,” Kevin mutters as he straddles Connor.

It had not taken them long to get into this position after Connor had knocked on the front door.  
  
“I agree,” Connor says, bringing his lips up to Kevin’s neck and nibbling.  
  
The sounds Kevin makes as Connor sucks on his neck is a lot, even by his standards. Connor jerks away and looks up at Kevin, shocked to find tears sparkling in his eyes. Frowning, Connor reaches up and gently caresses his cheek.  
  
“Sorry, did I do something wrong?” Connor asks.  
  
“No,” Kevin replies, “No. Sorry. It’s just - it’s been a while, you know? Lucy is - well, she’s... _ vanilla _ ...and...well, even if she wasn’t she probably wouldn’t, I mean - she’s not really my _type_ and I guess I’ve just missed you and how you - how you make me feel,”  
  
“But you still left me,” Connor says, even though he knows it’s harsh, “you left us all,”  
  
“I know,” Kevin says miserably, “I - I think I made a mistake,”  
  
“You know,” Connor says, between peppering kisses on his neck, “there’s a musical on Broadway called Waitress. It’s about a woman in an unhappy marriage who cheats on her husband with her doctor,”  
  
Kevin doesn’t say anything, he just raises his eyebrows.  
  
“And there’s a song they sing when they start the affair. It’s called Bad Idea,”  
  
“Are you gonna sing to me, Connor?”  
  
“I think my mouths gonna be a bit busy,” Connor replies, “I’m just saying..._this_ is a bad idea,”  
  
“I know,” Kevin replies, “but, Connor, I...I never stopped loving you,”  
  
Connor is frozen. He tries to look at Kevin, but all he can see is the picture of him and Lucy on their wedding day behind him. He drops his eyes from the picture and looks down at Kevin’s hands on his chest. The wedding band seems to be gleaming more than usual.  
  
“Kev, you’re married. I’m in a relationship. Doing this is one thing but to actually-“  
  
“Don’t try and lie to me, Connor. I know you feel it too,” Kevin says firmly, grabbing a fistful of Connors t-shirt, “you still love me. I know you do.”  
  
Connor finally looks up at Kevin, tears threatening to spill.  
  
“I do,” he whispers, “I still love you, Kevin Price,”  
  
Kevin lets out a small sob and drops his head onto Connors shoulder, who immediately wraps his arms as tightly as he can around him. Now that Kevin has his head down, Connor is once again confronted with the picture of Kevin and Lucy on the ‘happiest’ day of their lives. Connor wondered if anyone noticed how the smile didn’t reach Kevin’s eyes, or if they even cared about the fact that it didn’t.  
  
“I’ve really fucked up,” Kevin whispers, “I’ve fucked up my entire life. I should have just gone with you and now - now I’m stuck,”  
  
“You’re not stuck, sweetie,” Connor whispers, gently nudging Kevin so he sits up again, “you can leave her. You know that, right?”  
  
Kevin shakes his head, “N-No, I can’t. If I try they’ll send me back to treatment. I can’t - I can’t go through that again. I can never go through that again,”  
  
Connor sighs and wipes Kevin’s eyes with the sleeve of his jumper.  
  
“Do you really think that I’d let them take you back there?” Connor asks, “Do you think Arnold would? He’s been watching a lot of superhero movies recently and now he thinks he’s Captain America or whatever. We had to take him to the hospital the other week because he tried to do a flip off the back of the couch thinking he was Spider-Man. And Chris is very scary despite his height. Sort of like a chihuahua. And James would scare everyone off because of how tall he is and Naba - well, I don’t know anyone who would try and get on the wrong side of her,”  
  
Kevin laughs quietly, but he doesn’t look any less terrified.  
  
“Listen, Kev, when you... _ if _ you leave her...tell me when and I will come and get you. I’ll make sure you get away safe, OK?” he says softly, “you won’t have to do it on your own. You’re not on your own,”  
  
“Isn’t that a song from a musical?” Kevin asks, sniffling slightly.  
  
Connor giggles, “Almost. You’re thinking of On My Own. It reminds me of you,”  
  
“Is that a good thing?” Kevin asks.  
  
“It wasn’t,” Connor admits, “but I have a feeling that we might get a slightly happier ending than Éponine and Marius,”  
  
“Is _ tha _ _t_ a good thing, at least?”  
  
“Oh, god, yes. That musical is depressing as fuck,”  
  
“Why do you like it so much then?”  
  
“One day, I’ll take you to see it and you’ll understand,”  
  
They don’t do anything that night. They fall asleep on the sofa, practically lying on top of each other, but Connor doesn’t mind. The weight of Kevin Price on him is not something he will ever complain about.  
  
The next day, however, is different.  
  
They are sat as they used to when in Uganda; Kevin sat in between Connors legs, leaning against his chest whilst Connor runs his fingers through Kevin’s hair. There’s something on television but Connor can’t concentrate on it because Kevin starts to move slightly, his ass rubbing up against Connors crotch.  
  
“Kevin,” Connor whispers, his voice hitching, “What are you doing?”  
  
“I’m just trying to get comfortable,” Kevin replies in a voice too innocent for what he’s doing, “Don’t mind me,”  
  
Connors hands move from Kevin’s hair and to his hips, holding him in place as he kisses him along his neck. Kevin moans and throws his head back. Connor takes this as an invitation to awkwardly move out from underneath Kevin and to clamber on top of him.  
  
Connor had almost forgotten how pretty half-naked Kevin Price looked underneath him.  
  
Almost.  
  
“Can we go upstairs? This couch is too small,” Connor whispers in Kevin’s ear, his hand drifting down to Kevin’s crotch.  
  
He whines as Connor begins to palm him through his jeans and nods his head.  
  
“Are we really going to have sex in my marital bed?” Kevin asks, bucking his hips towards Connors hand.  
  
“Is there a spare room?”  
  
“It’s only a single bed,”  
  
“Then we’re going to have sex in your marital bed,”  
  
Kevin grins and kisses Connor, “I know it’s wrong but it’s also really hot,”  
  
“ _ You’re _ really hot,” Connor says, grabbing Kevin’s hands and pulling him up, “lead the way,”  
  
Kevin grins again and yanks Connors arm so hard, he’s worried that he might have pulled it out of its socket. The worry only lasts as long as it takes for Kevin to get them into the bedroom, drop to his knees, and rub Connor over his jeans.  
  
“Can I?” Kevin asks, reaching for Connors belt.  
  
“Shit. Yes. Please.”  
  
Kevin wastes no time in pulling boxers down and licking up his length. Connor moans and his hands go to Kevin’s hair as he knees buckle slightly. Kevin, always seemingly aware of the effect that he has on Connor, begins to bob his head up and down, moaning under his breath.  
  
“F-Fuck, Kev...you’re so - _ah_ \- you’re so good at this,” Connor mutters, “you’re doing s-so well, such a good - oh, _ fuck _ \- such a good boy for me,”  
  
The praise seems to spur Kevin on and he moves faster. Connor suddenly becomes transfixed as he stares down at Kevin; cheeks flushed and hair messy, his perfect lips red and plump around his dick.  
  
“Kev, you’re beautiful,” Connor says, unable to stop himself, “you’re so beautiful,”  
  
Kevin pulls away and looks up at Connor, tears sparkling in his eyes as cum drips down his chin.  
  
“I’ve missed this. I’ve missed _ you _ .” He whispers.  
  
Connor smiles and leans down, pulling Kevin to his feet and wiping his chin.  
  
“Not nearly as much as I’ve missed you,”  
  
Kevin raises his eyebrows ever so slightly, “Prove it,”  
  
Connor learned many things about Kevin Price whilst they were in Uganda. He learned that there was no point to try and have a conversation with him until he’d drank coffee, that he had a beautiful singing voice (which he liked no one to know about) and that his hair was his pride and joy. But Connor also learned that Kevin likes to hear how good he is doing and he also _really_ likes hand jobs.  
  
So, Connor pushes Kevin down onto the bed and tugs on the waistband of his jeans.  
  
“Off,” he says, patting Kevin’s thigh, “Jesus, why are these so tight?”  
  
“I accidentally shrunk them in the wash,” Kevin says.  
  
Connor snorts and leans forward to kiss him again, “you’re so cute,”  
  
Kevin scowls at him, “I’ve never been very good at - _ oh _ ,”  
  
Connor grins as he takes Kevin in his hand and begins to pump it up and down, his free hand snakes up to his hair as he whispers sweet nothings into his ear. The feeling of Kevin just writhing around beneath him is enough to send him over the edge. 

“You look so beautiful like this, Kev. You’re such a good boy for me. Let me hear you moan, love, you know I love how you sound when you’re all hot and bothered like this,”  
  
“ _ Ah _ , Connor, just like - just like that, oh, shit,” he moans, bucking up into his hands, “keep on - keep on going, please, _ please _ ,”  
  
“Since you asked so nicely...” Connor whispers in his ear.  
  
He moves his hand from Kevin’s hair and to his chest, lightly tracing his fingers over each nipple. Kevin whines and shivers at the touch, gasping for more under his breath.  
  
“Tell me what you want, Kev,” Connor says, slowing his hand down, “I want to hear you say it, baby,”  
  
“I want - I want you to - _ oh, fuck _ -“  
  
“Nearly there,” Connor sniggers.  
  
“Fuck me. Please. Connor, I need you, please fuck me. Please. _ Please _ ,” Kevin whimpers, “I need you in me. I need you in me,”  
  
It’s at this point that Connor freezes, realising he didn’t bring anything.  
  
“Um, do you have-“  
  
“Bedside drawer,” Kevin says breathlessly, “I thought I should be prepared. Just in case,”  
  
Connor smiles and kisses Kevin softly, “At least one of us is prepared,”  
  
“Con, can you uh - can you go slowly?” Kevin asks quietly, turning slightly red, “it’s been a while since anyone has - well, since you’ve - you know,”  
  
“Whatever you need, love,” Connor says gently, grabbing a pillow and putting it underneath Kevin, “spread your legs for me? I actually need to get in there,”  
  
“Oh, yeah, sorry,” Kevin mutters, moving his legs apart, “god, it’s like I’m a virgin all over again,”  
  
“Don’t be embarrassed,” Connor says quickly, smoothing Kevin’s hair down, “it’s ok. I know this is a lot,”  
  
Connor pumps lube onto his finger and then carefully traces Kevin’s hole, earning a whimper from him.  
  
“Have you not even done it to yourself?” Connor asks.  
  
“I tried once but I’m not as good as you,” he says, before pausing and adding, “I was also convinced it would send me to Hell,”  
  
“Fair enough,” Connor mutters, “I’m gonna start now, OK? Tell me if you’re uncomfortable,”  
  
Slowly, he slips his finger in and Kevin moans, inching his body closer to Connor. Smirking, Connor beings pumping his finger in and out and Kevin moans again, his hands gripping onto the bed sheets.  
  
“M-More,” Kevin gasps, “Con, p-please,”  
  
Connor wastes no time in adding a second finger and soon a third.  
  
“Ready?” Connor asks.  
  
“Y-Yes,” Kevin moans, “I want you inside of me. Please,”  
  
Connor balances himself on his forearms on either side of Kevin’s head and slides into him. Kevin whines and throws his head back onto the pillow behind him, his eyes shut.  
  
“Move, Connor, move,” he says, wrapping his arms and legs around him, “ _ move _ !”  
  
Connor happily complies and begins to thrust in and out of Kevin, relishing in the noises that are coming out of him.  
  
“Kev, sweetie, can you open your eyes? I want to see those beautiful eyes of yours,” Connor says, “open them for me,”  
  
It takes him a moment, but he does eventually and Connor swears that he’s never seen eyes so beautiful in his life. He’s about to tell him this, but Kevin speaks first.  
  
“I love your eyes,” he says breathlessly.  
  
Connor smiles, tears springing to his eyes.  
  
“You’re too good to me, Kev,”  
  
Kevin’s grip around him tightens and his moans get louder and louder. Connor should probably worry about neighbours, but he’s ever so slightly distracted.  
  
“Ah, _ fuck _ , I’m gonna come,” Kevin gasps, his eyes fluttering shut, “Con, I’m gonna, I’m gonna... _ ah _ !”  
  
Connor kisses the tear that slips out of Kevin’s eye and down his face and nuzzles his nose into Kevin’s hair.  
  
“It’s OK, Kevin. Let go, come on, come for me, baby,” he whispers, thrusting faster as he nears finishing, “go on, baby, go on. Come for me,”  
  
Later when they are curled up in bed together, it is easy to pretend that they’ve always been together, like the last 10 years never happens. Connor stares down at the wedding ring on Kevin’s finger and lightly runs his thumb over it for it’s almost as though he was the one who put it there.  
  
“What are you going to do, Kev?” Connor asks quietly, still running his finger over the ring.  
  
“I don’t know,” Kevin replies, balling his hand into a fist so that Connor can’t get to the ring, “I really don’t know. What are you going to do?”  
  
“I’m going to speak to Steve,” Connor says, “and say - and say something,”  
  
Kevin nods and curls up closer to Connor, interlocking their legs.  
  
“Can we not - can we not talk about them?” Kevin asks, “I just want to pretend for a while,”  
  
“Of course, Kevin,” Connor says, “we can pretend,”  
  
There’s a shitty Les Mis reference floating around there somewhere, but Connor is doing his best to not think about the unfortunate ending of Éponine and Marius. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All I can offer is shitty musical references and slightly depressing smut lol 
> 
> Thanks for reading!!!


	12. Trapped

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!TRIGGER WARNING!!
> 
> -Conversion Therapy   
-Domestic Abuse  
-Sexual Abuse  
-Homophobia 
> 
> This chapter is dark af and I can only apologise. Please don't read if it's gonna make you uncomfortable.

Kevin runs around like a mad man, trying to make everything look as normal as possible. He throws all clothes that he’s worn in the washing machine along with the bed sheets and cleans the house from top to bottom, desperate to scrub away any evidence to suggest that Connor McKinley had spent a less than innocent weekend there. When he's sure the house looks relatively normal, he runs to the mirror and stares intently at his reflection; Connor left a hickey on his neck but when Kevin buttons the top button of his shirt, only the top of it peaks over his collar. It's not ideal, but he'll only have to hide it for five minutes before he has to leave for work and he can just ask to borrow a colleagues concealer. 

Just as Kevin drops the freshly washed pillows onto the bed, he hears the front door open and Lucy shouts his name. 

“Up here!” Kevin calls back, “how was the trip?”

Lucy shrugs her shoulders as she walks into the bedroom, “It was OK. Well, no, it wasn’t, actually. I was stuck with Brenda the entire time,” 

“Brenda the Jehovah's Witness?” Kevin asks as he gives her a quick peck on the lips. 

“Brenda the Jehovah’s Witness,” Lucy sighs, “and she was preaching to me the entire time!”

“I don’t think you can complain about people preaching to you, given the fact that we're Mormon and-”

“What the heck is that?” Lucy asks, her voice suddenly icy. 

Kevin frowns at her and glances around the room, “What the heck is what?”

“ _ That! _ ” she snarls, “on your neck!”

Automatically, Kevin claps a hand over his neck but the damage is already done. Tears sparkle in Lucy’s eyes but she doesn’t look upset, she looks angry and somehow, Kevin thinks that is worse. 

“Lucy-” he begins, but she shakes her head, shutting him up. 

“Who was it?” she asks, “just tell me, Kevin, please,”

“You’ll hate me in even more,” he says, subconciously backing away from her. 

She narrows her eyes at him, “Was it that African girl?”

“No! My gosh, no, I would never - I would never do that to Arnold!”.

Lucy laughs a humourless laugh, “You wouldn’t do it to a friend you haven’t seen in years but you’d do it to your  _ wife? _ ” 

“I didn’t -I didn’t mean it like that! I mean...Arnold and I, we’re best friends, and I love him and I love Nabulungi but not like that! I could never love her like that!”

“So who was it?” Lucy demands, “if it wasn’t her then -” she stops speaking abruptly and closes her eyes, “Oh, my gosh...it wasn’t - it wasn’t a woman, was it? Was it one of those queers you were friends with?”

“Please don’t call them that,” Kevin whispers. 

“It was, wasn’t it?” she says, “Which one was it? James? That little one who doesn't know when to shut up? Chris?”

“No, I wouldn’t - they’re - they’re married,” 

Kevin regrets saying it the moment the words are out of his mouth. Lucy’s eyes fly open and she balls her hands into fists, shaking with what Kevin can only assume is rage. He has backed away from her so much that his back is against the wall. Trapped. 

“So are we!” Lucy yells, holding up her left hand, “and our marriage actually  _ means  _ something! We got married in the eyes of the  _ Lord _ ! Theres is a marriage of sin and you know it!”

“They love each other, Lucy,” Kevin says. He doesn’t really know why he’s defending Chris and James’ marriage, but he can’t bare to hear her talk about them like that, “They really do. They have done since Uganda,” 

Lucy scoffs and shakes her head, “Don’t be ridiculous, Kevin. So who was it? Huh? Was it - it was that ginger one, wasn’t in? Collin?” 

“Connor,” Kevin corrects, “His name is Connor,” 

“Well? Was it him?” 

His vision blurry with tears, Kevin nods. 

“It was him,” 

“For the love of - my,  _ gosh _ , Kevin! I thought this was behind you! I thought those unclean thoughts were gone!” she shouts, “you  _ promised  _ me that those days were behind you,”

“I thought they were!” Kevin exclaims, “I did, Lucy! I thought that I was free from it all but...” he trails off. 

“But what?” 

“I never stopped loving him,”

His words seem to hang in the air and for a moment, Kevin thinks that she might understand.

But then a picture frame cracks over this head, showering glass into his hair. 

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” Kevin bellows, ducking as another picture frame hurtles through the air towards him. 

“I cannot  _ believe  _ you, Kevin Price!” Lucy screams, grabbing him by the t-shirt and shoving him back against the wall. His necks snaps back from the force of the shove and he hits his head against the wall, “After everything that we’ve been through!”

“After everything that  _ we’ve _ been through?” Kevin asks, “You didn’t go through my therapy with me! You weren’t punched and kicked and slapped for weeks on end!” 

“Is that what they did to you?” she asks quietly.

“Yes,” 

Lucy takes a step back from him and nods. 

“I’m doing this because I love you, Kevin,” 

Before he can ask exactly what it is that she’s going to do, she brings her hand back and slaps him across the face. The sound of the slap echoes throughout the room, and Kevin holds a hand to his cheek, quite unsure as to whether that had just happened or not. He looks at Lucy and there are tears streaming down her red and blotchy face. 

“This is for your own good, Kevin,” 

Kevin is much taller than Lucy, and probably a lot stronger, yet he can’t fight back. He falls to his knees after she kicks him in the stomach and spits blood when she punches him in the face over and over again. He cries out, tells her he needs to go to work, begs for her to stop, tries to push her off him but either she suddenly possesses super-human strength or he really is as weak as all those therapists told him he was. 

“What did you do with him, huh?” Lucy snaps, dragging Kevin to his feet and shoving him onto the bed, “What did you do with Connor?”

Blinded by pain, Kevin cannot reply. He just shakes his head, whimpering  _ no, no, no  _ under his breath over and over again, but she doesn’t listen. She slaps him across the face again, catching a cut that had been left there by her wedding ring. 

“What did you do with him?” she asks again, “did you have sex?” 

Kevin cries and nods his head, because there is no way out of it. 

“It’s probably not even the first time you’ve done it, is it?”

He shakes his head. 

“You disgust me,” she snaps. 

“Leave me alone, please,” he begs, "I just - I just want to go to work. Leave me alone. Leave me alone,"

“I can’t leave you alone, because this is what happens when I do that!” she yells, slapping him again. 

Her hands move to his belt, and Kevin tries to push them away, but she grabs his arms and forces him to cross them over him before kneeling on his arms. Kevin cries out and tries to push her off of him, but she will not budge and Kevin can do nothing but sit there and sob. 

She is not like Connor. Connor who is always gentle, who would run his free hand through Kevin’s hair and whisper sweet nothings into his ear, placing soft kisses on his neck. No, she is nothing like Connor. She’s harsh and rough, and her knees are digging into his stomach and it’s making it quite hard for him to breathe. He doesn’t know how long it lasts, he just lies there and tries to take himself out of the situation, but he can’t. She’s still talking to him, calling him terrible names and mocking him about Connor. 

Finally, she stands up from the bed and Kevin can breathe again. He sits up and pulls his trousers up with shaking hands. Lucy stands staring at him, hands on her hips with her eyes narrowed. Kevin doesn’t know what to do. He’s vaguely aware of the fact that he’s meant to be at work, but he can feel blood trickling down his face and when he touches a tentative hand to his side, he has a feeling that he might have broken ribs.

“I’m going to the hospital,” he says finally, standing up from the bed and hobbling towards the door. 

“This was to help you, Kevin,” 

“Really?” Kevin asks, “because I somehow feel worse,” 

“What are you - what are you going to tell them at the hospital?” for the first time, she sounds scared. 

“I’m not going to get you into trouble,” Kevin reassures her, but he doesn’t really know why, “I’ll just...I’ll tell them I got mugged or something. It’s New York. It happens,” 

Kevin doesn’t realise the extent of his injuries until he has limped from the house and into the car. He glances up into the mirror and grimaces; blood is pouring from a gash in his temple and from his nose and lips, his left eye is swollen and there is a nasty bruise forming there. 

Before Kevin drives to the hospital, he takes out his phone and rings his principal. 

“Kevin!” Mr Roberts exclaims, “Where the hell are you? You’ve missed your first class! This is so unlike you!"

“I - I know. I’m s-sorry,” Kevin replies. 

“Is everything alright?” Mr Robets asks, his voice turning anxious. 

“I’ve, um, I’ve been - Lucy - I mean, I’ve been mugged,” Kevin says, “I went to get breakfast this morning for Lucy and I and I was - I was mugged,” 

“But you still have your phone?” 

Kevin’s heart drops to his stomach. He really didn’t think this through. 

“I, um, I managed to get it back,” he lies, “lost my wallet though,” 

“Don’t rush back into work, OK? Take as much time off as you need,” Roberts says, “alright?”

“Yeah, yeah, thank-you, sir,” 

When Kevin eventually stumbles into the hospital, he falls into the arms of the first Nurse that he comes across, his body suddenly shaking with sobs. 

“Oh, god,  _ Kevin _ ?”

Kevin looks up and almost collapses again. 

“Steve,” he gasps, “I didn’t - I forgot you were a nurse,” 

“I need a gurney!” Steve yells over his shoulder, “Now!”

Everything that comes after this is a blur. People keep on asking him questions that he doesn’t know the answers to and he wishes that they would just leave him alone. He tries to tell Steve this, but he won’t listen. 

“We can’t leave you alone, Kevin,” Steve says firmly, “you’re ribs are broken, we need to fix you,”

“Can you hurry up and do that, then?” Kevin asks. 

Steve laughs, “I will work as fast as I can. Do you want me to call your wife?”

“No,” Kevin says quickly, “No. I - I don’t want to worry her. Could you, um, could you call Arnold? And maybe - maybe Connor?”

Steve gives him a funny look but nods, “Of course, man, whatever you need,” 

What Kevin needs is a divorce. And maybe Connor. But he doesn’t know if he can get either of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, I'm so sorry for how dark this is. I don't know why I'm so mean to Kevin because I do actually love him, but thank-you for reading! 
> 
> <3


	13. Kiss Him Better

“Arnold, if you carry on backseat driving, I swear to Heavenly Father himself I will crash this car,” Connor snaps. 

Connor likes to think he is a good friend, hence why he agreed to drop Arnold and Nabulungi off at the airport for their trip back to Uganda. It was only when he had started driving down the highway that he remembered there was nothing he hated more than driving in the same car as Arnold Cunningham. 

“Oh, Connor, watch out! There’s a truck!”

“Yes, Arnold, I know. I can see,” 

“Connor! That’s a red light!”

“I know, I’m stopping the damn car!” 

Nabulungi finds the whole thing hilarious. Driving the car into a ditch would be less painful than having to listen to Arnold for a second longer. 

“Your phone is ringing, Connor,” Nabulungi says, “it’s Steve,” 

“Shit,” Connor mutters. Whenever Steve calls, he finds himself panicking, thinking that somehow, Steve has found out about Connor and Kevin. “Can you answer it for me?”

“Hello, Steve!” Nabulungi says brightly, “Connors just driving. Is everything - oh, _ oh no. _ Right...yeah...and he’s...he’s with you now? Is he OK? Oh, god, is he really that bad?”

Connor’s heart drops to his chest as Naba’s voice suddenly turns grave and she puts a hand to her chest. 

“Yes, I’ll tell him. OK. Bye,” 

“What?” Connor asks anxiously, “what is it?

“It’s Kevin. He’s been mugged,” 

“Kevin’s been _ what _?” Connor exclaims, very nearly crashing the car, “Fucking hell, right, I’ll drop you off at the airport and then-”

“NO!” Arnold yells, “No! He’s my best friend, I’m not leaving him in some slimy hospital on his own! If you’re going to see him, so are we!”

“Your flight-”

“Can leave without us,” Nabulungi says firmly, “I’ll cancel the tickets and tell Baba what has happened. He’ll understand,” 

“Someone text Chris and James as well,” Connor says, “or they’ll never forgive us for not telling them,” 

Connor drives to the hospital at a speed that is probably considered unsafe but if they do crash, at least they’re heading in the right direction. Trying to find somewhere to park is difficult, and Arnold isn’t making things any easier by constantly reminding him of the fact that Kevin is hurt and probably in pain. 

When they finally park, Connor dives out of the car and leads the way into the hospital. 

“Con!” Steve yells, waving at him over the heads of nurses, patients and doctors milling around, “over here!”

“Is he OK?” Arnold asks, looking around, “where is he? Can we see him? I want to see him. Is he OK? Why aren't you telling me if he's OK or not?”

“Chill, Arnold,” Steve says gently, “he’s fine. A little shaken up and not looking his best but he’ll be fine,” 

“How severe are his injuries?” Connor asks, wringing his hands together. 

“Broken ribs is as bad as it gets,” Steve tells them, gesturing for them to follow him, “then it’s just a black eyes, few cuts and bruises. But he’ll be fine. He’s just going to have to stay here for a while,” he pauses outside of a room, his hand on the door handle and turns to look at them, “when I say he doesn’t look his best, I mean he _ really _doesn’t look his best. Try not to...scream when you see his face,” 

Steve seems to be directing most of this at Arnold, and Connor can’t say that he blames him. Arnold has never quite mastered the art of being discreet. But when Steve finally lets them into Kevin’s room, even Connor can’t help but gasp. Steve is right. He _does_ look terrible. He's terribly pale and his hair is uncharacteristically messy, sticking up at odd angles at the back of his head. Connor wants nothing more than to smooth it down. Connor can see dried blood underneath a bandage on his forehead and he's sporting a massive black eye. 

Annoyingly, Connor still thinks he's the most attractive person in the world. 

“Buddy...” Arnold says, hurrying over to him, “oh my god,”

“I know, I know,” Kevin says, wincing slightly as he adjusts himself, “It looks worse than it is, trust me,”

“What the hell happened?” Connor asks, trying to fight back the tears that were threatening to spill. 

Kevin shrugs his shoulders, but even that looks painful. 

“I went to get some breakfast for Lucy...I was walking passed the Eugene O’Neill theatre and they just - they just came out of nowhere,” 

“What did they take?” Naba asks.

“Nothing,” 

It isn’t Kevin who speaks, but Steve. Connor frowns at him, he’s looking at Kevin with what Connor can only describe as skepticism. 

“Nothing?” Connor echoes, “What do you mean they took nothing? How can muggers not take anything?”

“He has his wallet, phone and car keys,” 

“I told you, I fought back,” Kevin says, somewhat impatiently, “how is that so hard to believe?”

Connor’s eyes flicker over to Kevin, suddenly quite skeptical of the story himself. 

“Do you want us to call Lucy?” 

“No,” Kevin says hurriedly, “No, I - she just got back off a work trip. She’ll be tired...I think...I think she’s asleep,” 

Connor frowns and then nods, “OK. We’ll call her later,”

“I’ll go and get you some chairs,” Steve says, clapping his hands together. Connor doesn’t miss how Kevin jumps at the sound, “Connor, can I - can I have a word, please? Uh, _ now _,”

“Oh, sure. I’ll be back in a minute,” 

Outside, Steve turns to look at Connor with an unusually grave expression on his face. Automatically, Connor assumes that it’s because Steve has found out about the affair and almost starts spouting out the ridiculous speech he’s written in his head about how sorry he is for being such a bad boyfriend. Thankfully, Steve speaks before he can. 

“I think he’s lying. I don’t think he was mugged,”

Connor nods. 

“I know. I feel the same,” Connor says quietly, “I just...I don’t understand why he doesn’t want his wife to know. That’s not a healthy marriage, is it? Well, we _ know _it’s not a healthy marriage, he isn’t even straight!”

“I’m not really meant to give my opinion on the personal life of one of my patients, Connor,” 

“Seriously, Steve?” Connor scoffs, “this is _ Kevin, _you know him!”

Steve cracks a smile, “I know. I just...I don’t know what to think. It’s strange, the whole thing is just...strange,” 

“What can we do?” Connor asks. 

“Not a lot unless he tells us the truth. I asked him if he wanted to try and press charges but he said no,” Steve shrugs, “we’ll just have to wait and see what happens,” 

“I hate waiting,” 

“I know, but there’s nothing else we can do,” he quickly kisses Connor and then smiles again, “I’m actually going to go and get you some chairs but then I’ll have to check on my other patients. I promise I’ll be back as soon as possible, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Connor says, though he wouldn’t really mind if Steve never came back. Obviously he doesn’t say this out loud, he just kisses Steve again and goes back into the room.

Connor stays with Kevin as long as he is able. Arnold and Nabulungi leave after a few hours with promises to come and see him again the next day, and a very panicked Chris rings Connor to tell him that he and James will be there first thing in the morning. Kevin doesn’t seem at all fazed by this. He simply nods his head and returns to staring blankly ahead of him. Connor doesn’t try and make him speak, his just sits and gently holds his hand, terrified of hurting him anymore. 

“I have to go,” Connor says when he gets a text off Steve telling him his shift has ended. 

“I know. It’s fine,” Kevin replies, “I think I can manage lying in this bed on my own,”

“I wish you didn’t have to, though,”

“Your boyfriend is out there somewhere,” Kevin whispers, “but - you know...my lips really hurt,”

Connor raises his eyebrows at him, “Do they really?”

Kevin nods, “Yeah. I think...I think I need someone to kiss them better,” 

“Well, I’m no doctor but I can try my best,” Connor whispers, leaning closer to kiss him as softly as he can. 

Kevin flinches slightly and Connor pulls away. 

“Sorry,” he says hurriedly, “did I hurt you?”

“No. It’s fine,” 

“Are you ever going to tell me what really happened?” Connor asks, picking up Kevin’s hand and kissing it. 

“I told you. I got mugged,” 

“Alright,” Connor says, resigning himself to the fact that Kevin isn’t going to open up anytime soon, “I’ll see you tomorrow,” 

Steve is waiting for Connor by the car and Connor has never felt so guilty in his life. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today I learned that The Book of Mormon plays at the Eugene O'Neill theatre and not the Lyceum theatre like I've always thought it did. Why did I think that it was at the Lyceum? I have no idea. I have never stepped foot in New York in my life. I don't even know what I thought was playing at the Eugene O'Neill. When I decided that Kevin was going to be 'walking past the Eugene O'Neill', I decided to google what was playing there and apparantley it's actually the Book of Mormon. Shook me up, not gonna lie. 
> 
> Anyway, this is the stupidest thing I've ever written at the end of a chapter but thanks for reading! 
> 
> <3


	14. Secret Lover

Connor decides that he isn’t going to leave Kevin’s side unless he absolutely has to. As romantic of a gesture that this might seem, it is made slightly difficult due to the fact that visiting hours aren’t until 11 AM and Connor goes into work with Steve at 6 AM. 

“I did tell you that you wouldn’t be able to see him, but you never listen, do you?” Steve laughs, “there’s a Starbucks over the street that's open. Go get some work done and I’ll text you when he’s awake, OK? He might not even be awake at 11,”

“I’ll still sit with him, it’s fine,”

Steve smiles and kisses Connor, “You’re so cute. Go and get some coffee, I’ll text you when he’s in the land of the living, OK?”

“Are you still looking after him?”

“I imagine so, why?” 

“Can you go and check on him for me?” Connor asks, “just so I - just so I know,”

Steve rolls his eyes, “A big part of my job is to check on him, Con. You know, since I’m a _ nurse _,” when Connor doesn’t laugh, Steve kisses him on the cheek, “He will be the first patient I check on, I promise. Now, go get some coffee. Get some work done. Have a nap. Keep yourself entertained until 11, alright?”

Connor finds it very difficult to focus on anything when he’s sitting in Starbucks. Even the very large cup of coffee in front of him can’t distract him from the fact that Kevin is probably still in a lot of pain somewhere over the street. Instead of driving himself insane by checking his phone obsessively, Connor takes out his laptop and tries to get some work done; he answers emails, updates his various social medias to prove that he isn’t dead and edits a blogpost about The Book of Arnold that he’s quite proud of. He’s slowly but surely beginning to write more about the actual book on his blog, after years of never wanting to write about it. It was Arnold who finally convinced him to write about it (“We’ve still got to spread the Good Word, you know!”). 

At the bottom of the page, he adds a quick note: 

_ “First of all, if you’re a practicing member of the Church, I highly recommend that you ignore any posts about the Book of Arnold because you will most likely get Hell Dreams. Secondly, if my posts become few and far between over the next few days, it’s because one of my friends is in hospital (not Chris, James, Arnold or Naba, don’t worry!!) and I’m gonna try and be by his side as much as possible. So please be patient with me! If I don’t upload anything, I haven’t forgotten you!!!” _

When Connor has uploaded the blogpost, his phone beeps and he snatches it up off the desk. 

**Steve **

**> Just been to see Kevin, but he’s fast asleep. Overnight staff said that everything is OK, he’s just a little shaken. He fell asleep around half 4, so god knows when he’s gonna be awake**

**>You can still come and see him if you want but he’s not gonna be great company **

**Connor**

**< Thank you for seeing him!!!!**

**< I’ll text the others and let them know **

Connor takes a screenshot of the text messages and sends it to the group chat. Despite the early hour, he gets replies almost immediately. 

**Arn**

**> idc if hes awake or not i still want to see him **

**>we’re gonna get a cab over in a sec when nutella is ready **

**Chris**

**>We’ll come and see him**

**Connor**

**< Don’t feel like you have to Chris**

**<I know you don’t like hospitals**

**Chris**

**> I think I’ll be able to handle it, Connor **

**James**

**>Are you there now?**

**Connor**

**< Sat in Starbucks over the street**

**<There’s no visitors allowed for another two hours :/ **

**<Ever so slightly bored**

**Naba**

**>We’ll come and keep you company!! Just getting in a taxi**

**Chris**

**< We’re leaving now as well **

**<See you in a bit **

Even the arrival of the others did not speed time up and by the time 11 AM finally rolls around, Connor felt as though he should be at least ten years older. They practically run to the hospital and Arnold was so enthusiastic that he almost knocked a paramedic to the ground. James said that he shouldn’t feel bad because if they were any good at their job, they’d be able to fix themselves. 

Steve is waiting for them in the waiting room and waves them over. 

“He’s awake,” he tells him, “a little bit dazed because he woke up about thirty seconds ago, but he should be OK,”

“Does he know we’re here?” Naba aks. 

“No, I’ve barely spoke to him. I just popped my head in to make sure that everything is OK. Which it is,” he adds, when Arnold opens his mouth to speak, “he is OK. You don’t need to keep on asking me if he’s OK,” 

“Connor!” is the first word out of Kevin’s mouth when they walk into his room. He sounds panicked and, at first, Connor is not entirely sure why. But then he sees Lucy sat beside him and Connor grimaces slightly. 

“Hey, best friend!” Arnold says happily, completely ignoring Lucy as he hurries over to the other side of Kevin’s bed and sits beside him, “how are you feeling?"

“I’m alright,” Kevin mutters, looking between Lucy and Connor, “just a bit sore, but that’s sort of-”

“I cannot believe that you have the _ audacity _ to show your face here,” Lucy hisses, jumping to her feet and turning to Connor who takes a step back. 

“M-Me?” Connor stutters, “I’m his-”

“Secret lover!” Lucy snaps. 

Connor freezes and glances over at Kevin who has his head in his hands. 

Chris laughs, “You really, _ really _hate gay people, don’t you? They haven’t been together for years!”

Lucy scoffs, “That isn’t true is it, Connor?”

“Sorry, I’m confused,” Steve says, “how is that not true?”

“Do you want to explain yourself, Connor?” Lucy asks, “what about you, Kevin? Do you want to explain?”

Connor can hear Kevin crying, and he hates that sound more than anything in the world. All he wants to do is crawl into bed with him and hold him until all his pain goes away, but he’s rooted to the spot. And even if he wasn’t, his boyfriend is stood beside him and Lucy looks like she would happily murder everyone in the room. 

“I...it was...we...” Connor searches for the right words to say, but there is nothing that he can say to not make him and Kevin sound like a terrible, “Kevin and I, we, um...we...”

“Please don’t say what I think you’re going to say,” Steve whispers. 

“If neither of you have the guts to say it, I will!” Lucy exclaims, “My dear _husband_ here spent the weekend with Connor! In our _ house. _And you can imagine what happened during that weekend!”

A silence falls over the room, only to be punctuated by Kevin’s quiet crying. Connor can’t bring himself to look at Steve, who had moved from Connor’s side to sit on a chair, his head in his hands. 

“You corrupted him!” Lucy yells at Connor, “Again!”

“I didn’t corrupt him,” Connor says weakly. 

“Can I have a word with you outside, please?” Steve asks, his voice surprisingly steady for someone who just found out that their boyfriend has cheated on them, “like, now?”

“Y-Yes. Of course,” Connor says, following Steve out of the room but not before he casts a worried look at Kevin. 

“I wish I could stand here and say that I’m shocked,” Steve says, once they have moved to a more secluded part of the hospital. 

Connor sighs and drops his gaze to the floor. This is not how he had wanted everything to end. Though he isn’t sure he is in a position to be complaining. It is _ his _fault, after all. 

“How long has this been going on for?” 

“Since my birthday,” Connor replies, looking back up at Steve, “he kissed me outside of the bar and then...well, you know...” 

“Since your - fucking hell!” Steve laughs, “God dammit, Connor! I felt like such a fucking _idiot_ every time I panicked thinking that there was something going on between the two of you!”

“I’m sorry,” Connor says, and he really means it, “I shouldn’t have let it spiral out of control,” 

“You shouldn’t have cheated on me in the first place!” Steve snaps, “If you had feelings for him, you should have broke up with me!”

“I - Steve, I am...I am genuinely sorry. I didn’t mean to fuck up this bad,” 

“Whatever, Connor. I’m gonna pick my things up tonight and just go. I can’t be doing with you or your shit, alright?” 

Steve leaves him alone in the middle of the corridor, feeling nothing short of terrible. His phone beeps and Connor gets it out of his pocket with a sigh, it’s a text from Chris, asking where he is. He ignores it at first but then more keep on coming through.

**>We’re getting some food in the canteen, want anything?**

**>We’re not gonna shout at you if that’s what you’re scared of**

**>We’ve just got a lot to talk about**

Connor feels like that last text is an understatement, but he goes and finds them, anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank-you for reading!! 
> 
> Comments/kudos appreciated etc etc etc 
> 
> <3


	15. Death Row

Connor leaves the room with Steve, casting a worried look over at Kevin who pretends not to notice. Lucy is stood at the end of the bed, furiously glaring at Kevin who can’t even pretend not to notice that.   
  
“I’m - I’m confused,” James says, looking between Kevin and Lucy, “can someone clear something up for me?”   
  
“What are you on about, babe?” Chris asks.   
  
“Kevin cheats on Lucy with Connor, yeah?”   
  
“Yes,” Lucy says through gritted teeth.   
  
“But Kevin still goes to buy you breakfast and then gets mugged?” James continues, “that timeline is a little messed up, don’t you think?”   
  
“How?” Lucy asks, her voice shaking.   
  
James shrugs, “I assume you had some sort of argument, yes? When you realised that he’d cheated?”

“Some sort of argument, yes,” Lucy replies. 

“And then you send him to get breakfast, and he gets mugged...but then Kevin won’t let Steve ring you to tell him what happened because you’re ‘asleep’” James continues, “which is weird, because you’d just asked him to get you breakfast. I think you’re lying. Both of you,” 

Kevin moves closer to Arnold and, despite how embarrassing it probably is, he buries his face in his neck. At least then he doesn’t have to look at everyone. Arnold doesn’t seem to mind, he sits up a little straighter and holds Kevin tighter, lightly rubbing his back. 

“I was tired after being away with work and then arguing!” Lucy snaps, “Calm down, Sherlock Holmes,”   
  
James is inching closer and closer to the truth, but there’s nothing that Kevin can do to shut him up. He just squeezes his eyes shut and tries to focus on something mundane, like Arnold’s breathing pattern. It works at first, but then it seems that Arnold starts to panic because his breathing speeds up and Kevin is starting to panic even more.   
  
“What are you suggesting, Jamie?” Chris asks quietly.   
  
“I don’t think that Kevin was mugged. I think Lucy beat him up,”   
  
Kevin can’t help it; he grips onto Arnold’s shirt and bursts into tears. He hears Chris swear quietly under his breath and Naba gasp.   
  
“Oh my god,” Arnold breathes, “buddy, is that - is that true?”   
  
“I - I - I can’t say it,” Kevin sobs, still not looking up and clinging onto Arnold even tighter, “they’ll send me back - I don’t want to - I’d rather die,”   
  
“What the hell did you do to him?” Arnold snaps, taking Kevin by surprise. He has never heard Arnold sound like that, “what did you do?”   
  
“I didn’t do anything!” Lucy exclaims, “the suggestion that I might have - Kevin! Tell them!”   
  
Kevin sits up with the help of Arnold. His crying has made his already painful headache even worse and it feels as though his throat is on fire. The room slips in and out of focus but he can still make out the anxious looks on his friends' faces. He can’t bring himself to look at Lucy.   
  
“I - she - she...” he trails off, and his eyes flicker over to the door of the ward. He needs Connor to walk through it. Connor promised that he’d help him get away, but now he isn’t here.   
  
“Kevin, buddy, it’s going to be OK,” Arnold whispers, “we’re going to help you,”   
  
“She didn’t do anything,”   
  
He turns to look at James who’s wearing an expression of utter disbelief on his face, and he finds himself praying that he will see through the lie.   
  
“So, you’re telling me that you were actually mugged?”   
  
Kevin nods, “I was walking down Broadway. Past the, um, past the...” He casts his mind back to Connors many blog posts about Broadway and desperately tries to think of a name of a theatre, “I was walking past the Walter Kerr theatre...you know, on - west 48th street...and these, um, there were 5 of them and- well, you know...”   
  
“That’s weird, Kevin, because Connor told me that you were walking past the Eugene O'Neill theatre,” Chris says, “and it isn’t like Connor to get Broadway theatres mixed up, is it?”   
  
“Those theatres are close together,” Naba says, but Kevin doesn’t think that she sounds convinced.   
  
“They followed from the Eugene O’Neill to - to the Walter Kerr. They attacked me outside of the Walter Kerr though,” Kevin says quickly, “Lucy had - Lucy had nothing to do with it,”   
  
“There!” Lucy says triumphantly, turning to James, “now I want an apology! Off you all!”   
  
“You’re not getting one,” James snaps, “I still don’t trust you. I think Kevin’s lying,”   
  
“I’m not, James,” Kevin says firmly, “I - I deserved it, anyway. It was probably - it was just Heavenly Father punishing me for giving into temptation again,”

James rolls his eyes, “Do I have to remind you that I spent a good portion of my life watching my own _mother_ lie about why she had a black eye? How often I listened to her cover for my piece of shit of a dad? I _know_ you’re lying about this, Kev. You sound like her!” his voice breaks and he takes a deep, shuddering breath, “Domestic abuse ruins lives. It nearly ruined mine and I actually think it might have ruined my moms. Don’t let it ruin yours, Kevin, _ please _,” 

“This is ridiculous,” Lucy mutters, “you’re projecting your sorry excuse of a childhood onto us! Honestly, it’s not wonder you ended up queer. Most queers are the way they are because they didn’t see healthy examples of _ normal _relationships growing up,” 

“Can someone please inject her anastethisa to shut her up?” Chris says loudly. 

“No, it - it was just a punishment off Heavenly Father. It’s nothing to do with Lucy,” Kevin says, choosing to ignore Chris. 

And Kevin half believes what he’s saying. It makes sense, really. Sure, the mugging never happened but what Lucy had done _ was _ for his own good. He never should have gotten back into contact with any of his old mission.   
  
Kevin pulls away from Arnold who’s arms drop limply to his sides, wearing an expression of pure heartbreak.   
  
“You’re gonna - you’re gonna leave us again, aren’t you?” He asks in a broken whisper.   
  
“I’m sorry,” Kevin whispers, “I just don’t think this is good for me,”   
  
Tears spring to Arnold’s eyes and he slowly nods his head, getting up off the bed. 

“Why do you always do this? Why do you always leave me?” He says, “this is - this is the third time you’re doing this, Kevin. You’re my best friend, buddy. I’d do anything for you. Let me help you, please. Let us help you!” he gestures wildly to Chris, James and Nabulungi, all of whom are nodding earnestly, “you’re not wrong for loving who you love! How can you think that love is wrong?”   
  
There’s a different pair of hands on his now and he looks up to see Nabulungi, perching on the edge of the bed.   
  
“Kevin, we cannot see inside of your heart, but _you_ can. And you know what true love is. And you know who you feel that love with,”   
  
“Yes, his _ wife _ ,” Lucy says angrily, “for goodness sake, he doesn’t need any of you giving him a therapy session!”   
  
“Who does he need giving him a therapy session then?” Chris demands, turning to look at Lucy, “because if you’re about to say what I think you’re about to say, then so help me god I will dump the contents of a bed pan over your head!”   
  
“Stop it, all of you!” Kevin says loudly, “be quiet! I’m an adult, I can - I can make up my own mind of what I want to do,”   
  
Nabalungi squeezes Kevin’s hand and kisses the top of his head, “Kevin, I want you to know that whatever you choose, we’re not going to stop helping you. Even if you - even if you choose her way,”   
  
“I want to - I want to talk to Arnold,” Kevin says, “no one else. Just him,”   
  
“Of course, buddy,” Arnold says, “whatever you need,”   
  
“I think I should stay,” Lucy says.   
  
“No.” Kevin snaps, “No. I just want Arnold here. Please, do that for me?”   
  
She narrows his eyes at him and then nods, “I’ll be in the waiting room,”   
  
“We’re just gonna go and get some food,” Chris says, squeezing Kevin’s shoulder slightly, “text us when you need us, yeah?”   
  
Kevin slowly moves to the side, creating a space for Arnold to sit again. Arnold looks at him for a moment and then sighs, sitting back down next to him.   
  
“Is this just you saying goodbye?” Arnold asks:   
  
“Yes,”   
  
Arnold sighs, “for god's sake, Kevin. Are you going to go back to...to treatment?”   
  
“Yes. I mean, no. I don’t know. Maybe.”   
  
“I can’t let you do that,”   
  
“You can’t stop me. I’m an adult,”   
  
“I can call the police,” Arnold says, “because I don’t think for one minute that you got mugged. You have your wallet and your phone. It was Lucy. I know it was,”   
  
“Yeah. Yeah, it was her,”   
  
“Leave her, Kevin,”   
  
“I can’t,” Kevin replies, furious that no one seems to understand, “I need - I need help and I can get help. It worked last time, so-“   
  
“Obviously it didn’t work last time or you wouldn’t have had an affair with Connor,”   
  
“You don’t get it, do you? God, everything is always so fucking easy for you, isn’t it?” Kevin says angrily, “its like Uganda all over again! You convert a whole fucking village whilst I get a book stuck up my ass! And then you fall in love with a woman and everything is so fucking easy! And in the meantime, I’m getting beat up by my wife so that I can actually love her like a normal man!”   
  
Arnold sighs, “and you think that’s a healthy relationship, do you?”   
  
“I don’t need a healthy relationship, I just need a normal one!”   
  
“A normal relationship _is_ a healthy one!” Arnold yells, “a normal relationship is what you had with Connor! Not what you have with Lucy!”   
  
“You don’t know a thing about my life, Arnold!” Kevin snarls, “So don’t try and pretend like you do!”   
  
“And why I don’t I know anything about your life, Kevin?” Arnold snaps, “is it because you fucked off for nearly ten years?”   
  
Kevin rolls his eyes, “Fuck off, Arnold. You don’t understand,”   
  
“Then help me understand!” Arnold pleads, his voice softening, “help me help you! You don’t have to go back to treatment. You shouldn’t-“   
  
The door opens and Arnold breaks off as he turns around to look who it is. Steve is stood in the doorway, his eyes slightly bloodshot. Kevin wonders if he’s been crying.   
  
“Sorry. I heard shouting. Is everything OK?”   
  
“Everything is fine,” Kevin says, unable to meet his eyes.   
  
“Where’s Connor?” Arnold asks, “is he still here?”   
  
“I have no idea,” Steve replies, “do you need him?”   
  
“No,” Kevin interrupts, “wait, actually, Steve...I, um...I’m sorry. For - For everything,”   
  
Steve looks at him and for a moment, Kevin thinks that he might shout at him but he doesn’t. He just nods his head, “I’ll give you two some time,”   
  
“You’re going back to her, aren’t you?” Arnold says when Steve has left the room.   
  
“And you can’t stop me,”   
  
Arnold groans and stands up from the bed, “I want you to know that we are probably going to call the police,”   
  
“I’ll deny everything,”   
  
“You can’t deny how illegal conversion therapy is, bud,” Arnold says sadly, “well...I’ll see you around, Kevin,”   
  
Arnold is soon replaced by Lucy and Kevin finds himself signing his discharge papers, feeling rather like a man on death row signing his execution papers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I literally have no clue how New York works so if the whole Walter Kerr being near the Eugene O'Neill theatre is wrong, don't @ me. Google maps said that they're close together so blame google maps, not me. 
> 
> Also James Church is annoyingly underrated, I love him. 
> 
> ANYWAY, thanks for reading
> 
> <3


	16. In The Name of Jesus Christ, Amen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!Trigger Warning!!  
Mentions of:  
-Converstion Therapy  
-Suicidal Thoughts

“He’s had treatment in the last ten years. I don’t know what the exact dates are but he’s definitely had it! He admitted it to us!”

Connor paces up and down the sheriff's office, wringing his hands together. The moment they had realised that Kevin had left the hospital with Lucy, they had sped to the police station, terrified of what might happen to Kevin if they didn’t. Nablungi reaches out and grabs his hand, tugging on it slightly. 

“Sit down, Con, you’re not helping yourself,” she says quietly, tapping the chair next to her. 

“Do you know where?” the sheriff asks, scribbling something down in her notebook. 

“He never said,” Chris says quickly, “I tried to google places on the way over but there was nothing,” 

“Well, it _is_ illegal in New York,” the deputy sheriff tells them, “has been for a couple of years now. It isn’t banned nation wide though, so he could have gone out of state,”

“Which means he could be anywhere!” Arnold exclaims tearfully. 

Next to him, Nabulungi sighs and kisses him on the cheek. 

“We’ll find him, right?”

“Not necessarily,” the sheriff admits, “if he’s gone out of state for this treatment then there’s nothing you or I can do about it,”

“You have to do something!” Connor snaps, “You can’t just - you can’t just leave him there! It could kill him! It nearly killed me! Do you have any idea what it’s like? I _ prayed _that Heavenly Father would kill me so I’d never have to do it again! I very nearly killed myself! We can’t just leave him!”

The sheriff sighs and Connor is suddenly overcome with the urge to punch her in the face. 

“I’m very sorry for what you had to go through, Mr McKinley, I really am but...if it’s out of state, then it’s out of state. There really is nothing that I can do about it,” 

“W-What about domestic abuse?” James asks quietly, “she beat him up...can you...can you do something about that?”

“Well, we can go round and check but...if he doesn’t admit to it and still stands by his mugging story, then there’s nothing we can do about it,” the sheriff says, and she does sound genuinely sorry, “I will do my best to speak to him alone. He probably wouldn’t admit it in front of her,”

“He admitted it to me!” Arnold exclaims. 

“I know, but that isn’t enough. We need _his_ word,” 

They stay in the station whilst the sheriff and her deputy pay a visit to Kevin and Lucy. The wait is nothing short of agnosising. Connor sits with his head in his hands, doing his very best to convince himself that everything will be OK. That Kevin will admit to what has happened and get away. 

“This is my fault,” Connor sobs into his hands, “all of this, it’s my fault. I never should have - I never should have slept with him. What if he actually kills himself? How am I going to live with that? And I - I told him that I’d help him get away from her, and now - now he’s gone! He’s gone!”

“Hey, hey, Connor, this isn’t your fault,” James says gently, putting his arm around him, “this is all Lucy. She’s the one who hurt him. You tried to help, Con and there’s nothing wrong with that,” 

“Guys?” Chris asks in a small voice, “I know it’s silly but can we...can we pray?”

Connor looks up at Chris and frowns, “You want to pray?”

“I know it’s silly, but I still use it as a coping mechanism sometimes. I don’t think it works but when everything gets on top of me it calms me down,” 

“Of course we can pray, babe,” James says. He looks up at the others and holds out his hand, “anyone else joining?”

“Kev needs all the help he can get,” Naba says, taking James hand and holding out her other one to Arnold. 

“Fine,” Connor mutters, taking Arnold’s outstretched hand, “_ Fine _. Who’s leading the prayer?”

“You, District Leader McKinley,” Arnold says, a hint of teasing in his voice. 

Connor rolls his eyes but does his best to get back into the mindset of a district leader. He clears his throat and closes his eyes. 

“Heavenly Father, I know it’s...I know it’s been a while since I’ve prayed but...I’m asking that you send love and strength to Kevin. He’s going through a rough patch at the moment and after years of being dedicated to the Church, I think he deserves some...um...some divine intervention, regardless of the fact that in your eyes he’s committed some sins. Which he _ hasn’t _by the way, that’s just a really outdated belief and - never mind - he just...he needs some help right now, and we’re putting our faith in you to do just that. Help him. Please. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen,” 

“For someone so out of practice, that was pretty good,” Chris says reasonably, “but I don’t think you’re meant to start an argument with God when you’re asking him for help,” 

“Shut up, Poptarts,” 

“At least he didn’t get the Book of Mormon and the Book of Arnold mixed up,” Nabulungi says, “I don’t think that would help anyone,” 

Strangely enough, the prayer brings some levity. It does not stop them panicking, but Connor does feel lighter. Since he left the Church, he has found it easy to mock those who are still LDS members; scoffing at any missionaries he passes in the street and writing blog post upon blog post about how he can’t understand why anyone can still follow the Book of Mormon. But that one simple prayer reminded him of why he found so much comfort in scripture in the first place. 

What feels like hours later, the sheriff and the deputy come back, but they do not bring good news. 

“I’m sorry, but he stuck by the mugging story,” she says, “even when I got him alone, he stuck by it,”

“What about the conversion therapy?” Arnold asks, “what did he say about that?”

“He just said that he is going away to work on himself,” the deputy replies, “We’re really sorry, guys, but there’s nothing that we can do,” 

Connor kicks a chair away from him, “Hasa Diga Eebowai!” 

“Hasa Diga Eebowai, indeed,” James agrees, nodding his head, “God can fuck right off for all I care,”

**\------**

_ “Another List update, though it isn’t a nice one. _

_ Steve and I broke up. _

_ I know this will come as a shock to a lot of you, so I want to explain why we broke up, because that's important to me. It’s important for me to be as open as humanly possible about this break up, because it was not a nice one. And it isn’t Steve’s fault. _

_ I cheated. _

_ Yep, me! Mr Trust Issues over here cheated. It was wrong and it was stupid and I really, _ _ really _ _ hate myself for it. I don’t want to go into detail about the actual affair, because that is between myself and the other guy. I just wanted you to know that Steve is not at fault here, at all. It’s all my fault and I don’t think that I will ever fully forgive myself for it. _

_ One day, possibly in the near future, I’m going to write a longer blog about what happened. I just don’t have the energy right now. There’s a lot going on in my life right now, and none of it is good. I wish I could sit here and write about all the new opportunities that I’ve been given, but I haven’t been given any. So I’ll just sit here and write about what a terrible person I am (and there’s no reason to write a horrible comment about what a terrible person I am, because I already know. Don’t waste your energy). _

_ I’m hoping to somehow move on from this and I hope Steve can too. I wish him the best in life; he deserves someone a lot better than me,” _

Connor sits back in his desk chair and sighs, speeding reading what he has written. It’s been a week since everything happened, no one has heard anything off Kevin and it’s slowly but surely driving Connor insane. He has lost count of how often he has tried to ring him. 

He turns back to his laptop and decides to upload the blog without editing it as thoroughly as he usually does. He just doesn’t have the energy to do anything but worry about Kevin. The sound of his phone ringing brings Connor back down to earth. Expecting it to be Chris, Connor only glances at it but the name that comes up almost makes him fall off his chair. 

He picks his phone up with shaking hands, trying to act as normal as possible. 

“Kevin?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank-you for reading!!!!! 
> 
> <3


	17. Stay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!TRIGGER WARNING!!  
-Conversion Therapy  
-Domestic Abuse

“Con? Con, is that you?”

“Yes,” Connor breathes, slamming his laptop shut, “Yes, it’s me. Kev, are you - are you OK? Where are you?”

“I’m at home,” Kevin says. His breathing is funny, almost as though he is in pain, ”Can you - can you come get me? Lucy’s gone out. I only have - I only have like an hour. Please, Connor. I-I’m meant to be going to treatment tomorrow. I can’t - I can’t go. I’ll kill myself before I have to step foot there again. Please,” 

Connor is already out of the door, impatiently jabbing the button on the elevator, “I’m on my way,”

“Promise?” Kevin asks, his voice shaking.

“I promise, love,” Connor says firmly, “has she hurt you again?”

He hears Kevin whimper slightly, “Y-Yeah. Please, come get me. I’m scared, Connor. I’m really scared,”

“Alright, alright,” Connor says soothingly, “I’m going to stay on the phone with you, OK?” 

“I’m meant to be in work,” Kevin whispers, “we have a training day, but I couldn’t go - they’d ask too many questions but - now they’re going to fire me,”

“They won’t fire you, Kev,” Connor says, putting the phone on loud speaker as he gets into his car, “you’re too good a teacher to get fired,” 

“You’ve never seen me teach, you don’t know that,” Kevin sniffles. 

“Course I do,” Connor replies, tapping his fingers impatiently against the steering wheel as he waits for the car in front of him to actually move, “I saw what you were like in Uganda in the village school. All the kids loved you,” 

“Seems like such a long time ago...” 

“It _ was _,” Connor chuckles.

Kevin starts to quietly cry down the phone, “I shouldn’t have left you. I should have stayed with you. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I deserve everything she’s done to me. I’m sorry,”

“Stop it,” Connor says sharply, “this isn’t - this isn’t your fault, Kevin. None of this is your fault,”

“Just...hurry up, please. I don’t know when she’s gonna come back,”

“Hey, let’s not - let’s talk about her right now. Let’s talk about something better,” Connor says quickly, “like, um...like...hey! Remember in Uganda when - when Elder Davis jumped out from behind the shed at Elder Neely and he screamed so much that he lost his voice for three days?”

Kevin laughs ever so slightly, “Everything was so much simpler back then,”

“It’ll be simple again, I promise, Kev,”

“Please just...just hurry up. She’ll be back soon,”

“I’m pulling up outside now. Can you open the door for me?”

“Already open,” Kevin mutters, “God, Connor, everything - everything hurts. Hurry up,” 

Connor runs from his car and into the house. It isn’t exactly a James Bond style rescue; he gets his jacket caught in the car door and then trips over the door step, crashing to the floor. But he doesn’t care, he just scrambles off the floor again and shuts the door behind him. 

“Kevin?” Connor calls, “it’s me, where are you?”

“Here,” his voice sounds worse in person, and Connor almost doesn’t want to go and see what he looks like, “C-Connor, please,”

It’s this weak, pained plea that gets Connor moving again. Kevin is sat on the couch, and Connor can’t help but gasp; he’s still sporting a black eye, but the bruise has spread over his cheek bone, black and blue and bloody. There’s dried blood around his definitely broken nose and blood pours out of a cut on his lip, dripping down his chin. 

“The treatment centre told her to - told her to start before I went,” Kevin whispers, gesturing to his face, even his hands are bruised. 

“Oh, god, sweetie, look at you,” Connor says tearfully, hurrying over to him and crouching in front of him, “Alright, come on, we’re leaving,” 

Carefully, he helps Kevin stand, trying his best to soothe him when he cries out in pain.

“Wait!” Kevin exclaims, suddenly frantic, “my bag - get my bag. It’s upstairs, in the bedroom”

“I don’t know if we have time, Kev,” Connor says gently, “we still have to get you to the car and-”

“Please, Connor. I need it,” 

“I have clothes at home,” Connor says, “and if they’re too short, James will lend you some, I’m sure. Come on, we need to get going,” 

“No, no, no,” Kevin says, still frantic, “No. It’s not clothes, it’s got kids papers in it, I’ve still got grading to do, I can’t - it’s not fair to make them write an essay and then not mark it,”

“_ Jesus, _ Kevin,”

Tears spring to Kevin’s eyes and he jerks away from Connor, “S-Sorry, I don’t mean to always fuck up. I’m really sorry, don’t hurt me. I’m sorry,” 

“Oh, god, no, I didn’t - I didn’t mean - Kevin, I’m sorry. I’m not _ mad _at you,” Connor says hurriedly, “I just...it’s cute. How much you care about your kids. I don’t think I ever had a teacher who cares like you do,”

A small smile creeps up Kevin’s face and Connor chances a very light kiss on the back of his hand, “I’ll be right back,” 

The bedroom looks like a bomb has hit it, and Connor doesn’t even want to imagine what could have possibly gone on in here; there’s two cracks in the wall and four shattered picture frames lie on the floor. Connor can only assume that they were thrown at Kevin and it makes him want to throw up. The bag is by the door and Connor snatches it up as quickly as he can before running back down the stairs and slipping his hand around Kevin’s waist, letting him put all his weight on him. 

In weeks to come, Connor will not be able to understand how he managed to get Kevin from the house to the car in the state that he was in. He also will not be able to understand how Lucy did not recognise them in the horrible moment that they were pulled up beside each other when Connor was driving to the hospital. Not that any of that really mattered; all that mattered was that Kevin was safe. 

Connor’s safety, however, is called into question when he bumps into Steve when going to get some water whilst Kevin is tended to. 

“Has Arnold tried to be a superhero again?” Steve asks with a sigh. 

“No. I wish. No, it’s - it’s Kevin,” 

Steve gapes at him, “What happened this time?”

“You were right. He was never mugged. It was Lucy performing her own kind of conversion therapy,” Connor says, his voice breaking, “he called me before...he’s meant to be going tomorrow but he rang me to pick him up...she was out, I don’t know - what’s gonna happen, Steve? They’re still married! What if she comes? Couldn’t she - couldn’t she technically take him home?” 

“I won’t let that happen. I promise,” Steve says, “I’ll tell security not to let her in,”

“Thank-you,” Connor says, furiously wiping his eyes. 

“You’ve got a little cut above your eyebrow, what’s that from?”

Connor feels his face heat up, “Oh, when I - when I went to get Kevin...I, um...I tripped up. Face planted,” 

Steve snorts, “Sorry. Is it wrong to say that I feel like you deserve it?”

“No, I probably do,” Connor admits. 

Steve smiles at him, albeit a little sadly, and then puts his hand on his shoulder, tugging him forward. 

“Come on then, Captain America. I’ll sort that out for you. I think you’ll need stitches,”

“_ Stitches? _” Connor exclaims, his vanity getting the better of him, “Oh god, oh god, oh god. It’s not going to scar, is it?”

“There might be a tiny one. But who knows, Kevin might find it hot,” 

Half an hour later, Connor stares into the mirror that Steve is holding up in front of him and cringes. The skin around the cut is slightly red and inflamed, but Steve assures him that it will go down eventually. 

“Thanks for this, Steve,” Connor says quietly, “and, um, seriously, sorry for...sorry for everything,” 

Steve shrugs his shoulders, “Shit happens, Con. You made a mistake. Whatever. I hope you find happiness, I really do,” 

Back in Kevin’s room, Connor is met with a rather horrible sight; Kevin is sat hunched over in bed, sobbing into his hands as a Nurse desperately tries to calm him down. 

“Kev!” Connor exclaims, “what's the matter?”

“C-Connor?” Kevin blubbers, looking up from his hands, “W-Where’d you go? I thought you left me!”

“Oh, thank goodness you’re here!” the Nurse says. She walks over to Connor and leans closer to him, lowering her voice, “He’s a little fragile. Terrified that you’re going to leave him. I know it’ll be boring, but you’ll just have to stay with him,” 

“It won’t be boring at all,” Connor says, slightly offended that she thinks that it might be, “I’m happy to stay with him,” 

The Nurse looks skeptical but shrugs her shoulders, “I’ll leave you two alone. Shout me if you need anything,” 

Connor turns back to Kevin and smiles, but the smile is not returned. 

“I’m sorry, Kevin, I didn’t mean to leave you,” Connor says gently, sitting down on the chair beside the bed, “I had to get my eyebrow sorted out,” 

Kevin’s eyes flicker up to the cut above Connor’s eyebrows and his face pales, “Did someone - did someone hurt you, too?”

“No, no,” Connor says hastily, “No, when I came to get you - and don’t laugh - but when I came to get to you, I tripped over on the way into the house and fell flat on my face,”

Kevin stares at him for a moment and then he giggles, “You’re not exactly James Bond, are you?”

“Daniel Craig has nothing on me!”

“I know,” Kevin says seriously, “I’d take you over Daniel Craig any day,” he shifts sideways on the bed and pats the space next to him. 

As carefully as he can, Connor climbs into bed next to Kevin. He keeps his arms stiff by his sides, terrified of moving in case he causes Kevin anymore harm. 

“Hold me?” Kevin whispers. 

“I don’t want to hurt you,” Connor whispers back. 

“Please,” Kevin whispers, “I need - I need to remember what it’s like...for someone to hold me without...without the pain,”

Slowly, Connor moves his arm and puts it around Kevin’s shoulder. Not wanting to move him too much, Connor shuffles closer to Kevin and lets him rest his head on his chest. Kevin grunts in pain as he lays his arm over Connor’s stomach. 

“Are you OK?” Connor asks, running his fingers through Kevin’s hair, “are you comfortable? Do you want me to move?”

“No!” Kevin says quickly, “No. Please don’t move. Stay,” 

And Connor does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank-you so much for reading!! 
> 
> <3


	18. Welcome To The Family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!TRIGGER WARNING!!  
Descriptions of:  
-Conversion Therapy  
-Sexual abuse  
-Domestic abuse

Connor arrives at the hospital dead on 11 AM, as he always does. Kevin has been in hospital for a week now, inching closer and closer to finally being discharged. After everything that happened the last time he was in the hospital, his doctor seems quite uneasy about letting him out of his sight and Connor is quite thankful for this. The last thing he wants is for Kevin to disappear again. 

When Connor gets to Kevin's room, there is already someone there: a police officer. 

"Oh,” Connor says, “Sorry. Am I interrupting?”

“I’m just asking Mr Price about the accusations against his wife,” the deputy says. 

Connor glances over at Kevin, who looks nothing short of terrified. 

“Do you want me to go?” Connor asks. 

“No!” Kevin says quickly, "please don't," 

“Alright,” Connor says, sitting in his usual chair next to the bed and picking up Kevin hand, “alright. I’ll stay,” 

“So, what happened when you came home from the hospital?” 

The deputy looks at Kevin with kind eyes, and Connor brushes his thumb over the back of Kevin’s hand as he takes a deep shuddering breath. 

“Nothing at first,” he says in a shaky voice, “we got home and I - I went to bed. She left me alone. And then two police officers came and asked what had happened,”

“What did you tell them?”   
  
“Lies. I said that Lucy hadn’t hurt me. And then they went away,”   
  
“And the second round of abuse...when did that start?”   
  
“Two days before I rang Connor,”   
  
Connor bites down on his lip to stop himself from crying.   
  
“What happened?”   
  
“She, um, she rang the treatment centre and told them what had happened. And they said they said I was a difficult case...so it would be best for - for her to get started on me,” his voice drops to a whisper as tears begin to slide down his face, “so, she um...she came upstairs, where I was. And told me - told me all this and I was too weak to fight back,”   
  
Connor shifts uncomfortably in his seat, suddenly realising that he doesn’t actually want to hear any of this. But Kevin has asked him to stay, and he wasn’t going to be breaking any promises.   
  
“If you...if you feel up to it, Mr Price, could you tell me what she did to you?” the deputy asks gently.   
  
“Um, she...um...she...” Kevin breaks off and squeezes his eyes shut.   
  
“Do you want to take a break, Kev?” Connor asks softly, moving to perch himself at the edge of the bed so he can be closer.   
  
“N-No,” Kevin says, his voice firmer. “No. I...she..” he clears his throat and opens his eyes, “I was sat on the bed and she dragged me off it and shoved me against the wall. I can’t remember if I fell over or not but - oh, no, I think...I think I might have fallen into the dresser, because I have bruise on my side and I can't work out where they came from - anyway, she started throwing picture frames at me and then she...just started punching and kicking and slapping and I - I couldn’t stop her,”   
  
“How long did this go on for?”   
  
“I don’t know. Hours. Minutes. Seconds. It was all a blur,” Kevin tells the deputy, “and then she grabbed me and pushed me onto the bed and - and...she...n-no, I can’t say it,”   
  
Connor clears his throat and sits up a little straighter, kissing the back of Kevin's hand.   
  
“In conversion therapy - and I might be wrong in saying this - but in some conversion therapy when you’ve admitted to uh...sexual activity with someone of the same sex then sometimes a member of the opposite sex will...they will...perform sexual acts on you to try and...change you,”   
  
The deputy raises his eyebrows at Connor, “And you would know that because-?”   
  
“I’ve been there,”   
  
The deputy turns to Kevin, “is this what happened?”   
  
Kevin nods, “she...she...jerked me off but I didn’t - I didn’t want it!” and then he bursts into tears, burying his face into Connors chest, “I didn’t want it! I didn’t want it! I didn’t want it!”   
  
“Shh, Shh, Shh,” Connor says in a hushed voice, rubbing Kevin’s back, “it’s alright. It’s ok. I’m here, I’m here,”   
  
“Alright. I think we’ll leave it there,” the deputy says anxiously, “thank-you, Mr Price, for your bravery,”   
  
When he leaves, Connor climbs into bed and holds Kevin until he falls asleep, running his fingers through his hair and pressing soft kisses to his forehead. Connors own lack of sleep finally catches up with him and he too drifts off into sleep, his head resting on top of Kevin’s.   
  
“_Ah!_ Maybe we should leave them alone? I don’t know if I’d want to be interrupted like this,”   
  
A loud voice pulls Connor out of what had been a very peaceful sleep. Beside him, Kevin grunts, mutters something about how he doesn’t have anywhere to be, and tightens his grip around Connor, who slowly opens his eyes. Three people who he has never seen before in his life stand at the bottom of the bed; one of them looks vaguely like Kevin. And for some reason, Connors sleepy brain finds this amusing.   
  
“Who are you?” the older man demands.   
  
“M-Me?” Connor asks sleepily, blinking the sleep out of his eyes, “oh, I’m C-Connor,”   
  
He hears the door open and four more people walk in. One of them is holding balloons, and it takes him a minute to realise that it’s Chris and the others.   
  
“Who’s this?” Chris asks, and then Arnold gasps.   
  
“Mr and Mrs Price!”   
  
Kevin jolts awake and sits up quickly, which properly wakes Connor up. Mr Price is staring at Connor with an incredulous look on his face whilst Mrs Price has tears in her eyes. The other person, who Connor realises must be Jack, is staring at his brother with wide eyes.   
  
“We...we brought balloons,” James says awkwardly, holding his hand up, “we couldn’t find any that said ‘get well soon’ so we got ones that says ‘best teacher’ because we think you probably are the best teacher so we...I’m just...I’m gonna stop speaking,”   
  
“Probably the for the best,” Naba says quietly.   
  
“M-Mom!” Kevin exclaims, ”why are you here?”   
  
“Because my son is in hospital!” she says tearfully, “Do you really think that I would leave you here alone?”   
  
“B-But Lucy said that she told you what had happened and that you didn’t want anything to do with me until I was better and back from treatment,”   
  
Jack frowns, “what the heck are you on about, Kevin? She never spoke to us! We only found out what happened because Mrs Cunningham came round,”   
  
“What?” Kevin asks, “I’m confused,”   
  
“Your friend told his mother what Lucy did to you, about the - the abuse,” Mr Price says, stumbling over his words, “we came as fast as we could. We only heard about it yesterday. We haven’t heard from Lucy in weeks and-“ he pauses, “what sort of treatment are you talking about, Kev?”   
  
“Don’t act like you don’t know,” Chris snaps, “you sent him there in the first place!”   
  
“No, we didn’t!” Mr Price shoots back, “we never wanted him to go! We struggled with the fact that he was gay but we weren’t going to force him to change it! It was Bishop Right who forced him to go!”   
  
“Bishop_ Alt-Right_, more like,” Jack mutters under his breath, “that man is _ definitely _ a Nazi,”   
  
“Wait,” James says, “I’m confused. You didn’t make him go?”   
  
“Of course not! We tried to talk him out of it but you know what he’s like once he’s got his mind set on something!” Mr Price exclaims, “he snuck away and did it, anyway,”   
  
“So...if you knew he was gay...why did you let him marry Lucy?” Arnold asked, “and why were you so dismissive of Na-na-na-na Batman and I when we came round?”   
  
“You and _ who _ ?” Jack asks.   
  
Chris sighs, “Nabulungi. He refuses to say her name right,”   
  
“Why?”   
  
“God knows,” Chris shrugs, “actually, God himself probably doesn’t even know,”   
  
“We never wanted him to get married,” Mrs Price admits, “we tried to talk him out of it but...he wouldn’t have any of it. And then when you two came around...well I thought, this is it, this is how I get my Kevin back but then I panicked, thinking that Kevin would hate me if I tried to fix it for him,”   
  
“I could never hate you, mom,” Kevin whispers, “I just - I wished that I listened to you,”   
  
“Well, you’ve never been very good at following instructions have you, dear?”   
  
“Don’t I know it,” Connor mutters. When Mrs Price gives him a funny look, Connor blushes, “I was - I was district leader and he never listened to anything I told him to do. Ever,”   
  
“Never,” Nabulungi says, “sometimes I’d ask him why he still tried to control all the Elders and he’d always say that if he didn’t, the world would end,”   
  
“Not that he was wrong,” James pipes up, still holding onto the balloons, “he had a lie in once on his birthday and when he woke up we had 3 smashed windows. Book of Arnolds can be lethal in the wrong hands.”   
  
“1 out of 3 were Kevin’s fault. The other 2 were mine,” Arnold says proudly.   
  
“You were all on your mission together?” Jack asks, “you 5?”   
  
Kevin nods, still clinging onto Connor, “Yeah. Well, Naba was never actually Mormon. She was. Sorta. It’s hard to explain,”   
  
“Is this this Book of Arnold nonsense?” Mr Price asks with a sigh.   
  
“It isn’t nonsense!” Arnold exclaims, “It's a real religion,”   
  
“It is nonsense. Don’t listen to him. He made it up,” Chris says. When Arnold glares at Chris, he holds his hands up, “It’s nonsense, but it’s _ our _ nonsense,”   
  
“Gosh, my mission really was boring,” Jack mutters.   
  
“I’m really sorry,” Kevin says suddenly, sitting up straighter, “I really messed up. I pushed all of you away. I didn’t listen to any of you. I should have done. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being the worst son and the worst friend and the worst-“   
  
“For fucks sake, shut up, Kevin,” James says. “Sorry,” he adds to the Prices, “I shouldn’t swear, I know,” he turns back to Kevin, “nothing that’s happened is your fault, you know that, right? None of this was on you. You have nothing to apologise for,”   
  
“But I left-“   
  
“You came back,” Arnold interrupts, “you came back and that’s - that’s all that matters,”   
  
Kevin wipes his eyes on the back of his hand, “Sorry for crying,”   
  
“Stop apologising, son,” Mr Price says, “if anything we should be the one apologising. We shouldn’t have let you out of our sight when you came back from Africa,”   
  
Kevin whimpers slightly and leans into Connor again, burying his face into the crook of his neck. Despite his feelings of awkwardness, Connor wraps his arms around Kevin and holds him as tightly as he can without hurting him. He glances up at the Price’s and smiles awkwardly. 

“Do you want to see Annabelle and Noah, Kev?” Jack asks, “they’re outside with Molly,”

Kevin’s eyes light up as he pulls away from Connor, grinning. 

“They’re here?” he asks excitedly. 

“Yeah, I couldn’t exactly leave two 5 years olds in Utah on their own, could I?”

“Who’s this?” Connor asks. 

“My twins,” Jack says proudly, “although...they’re a bit, well...they’re _ a lot _,”

“Define ‘_ a lot _,’” Chris says, “because I’m actually quite scared of children,”

Jack does not answer, he just opens the door and two tiny blurs suddenly zoom in the room, launching themselves onto the bed. Connor yelps slightly as a fluff of brown hair lands on his stomach and he hears Kevin grunt in pain as a second fluff of brown hair does the same thing to him. 

A woman sheepishly walks into the room after them, “Sorry about them, they’re-” she pauses as she looks around the room, “I do not know who most of you are,” 

“This is my wife, Molly,” Jack says quickly, “and these are all of Kevin’s really weird friends,”

“What about the ginger one?” Molly says in a whisper that probably isn’t as quiet as she thinks it is, “are they _just_ friends?”

“I have no idea,” Jack whispers back, “he’s the one who Kev cheated on-”

“We can hear you!” Kevin says loudly, “shut up!”

“Don’t tell me to shut up!” Jack snaps. 

“I’m older, you have to listen to me,”

“You’re older by a _ year _, it’s not as though you’re-”

“Boys!” Mrs Price says loudly, “be quiet.”

Jack mouths, ‘sorry’ and then mimes zipping his mouth shut and throwing away the key. 

Molly just awkwardly waves and smiles at Connor who does the same back and then quickly looks away. His mind is already racing too far ahead of him, thinking about how he’s meeting his in-laws for the first time and how it isn’t under the best circumstances; he has always imagined that it would have involved going for dinner at the Price’s house, and _ not _in a hospital. 

The fluff of brown hair looks at Connor and frowns slightly. He tilts his head to the side and then pokes Connor’s cheek. 

“I don’t know you,”

“Noah, be polite,” Jack says, “You know how to introduce yourself,”

“I’m Noah!” 

Connor laughs and nods, “It’s nice to meet you, Noah. I’m Connor,” 

Noah stops and thinks for a minute, “OK. I like your name,"

“Oh. Thanks, dude,” 

Connor isn’t sure why that compliment makes him feel so good about himself, but there is something special about being complimented by a child. Next to them, Kevin is trying to explain to a very distressed Annabelle that he is absolutely fine. 

“Don’t cry, Annie,” he says soothingly, “I’m OK. Look, I’m sat up and everything!”

“W-Where’s Auntie Lucy?” she sniffles. 

“O-Oh, um...she’s is...um...where _ is _Auntie Lucy, Jack?” Kevin asks, turning to look at his brother. 

“Auntie Lucy is...she is...uh...she’s..ask Grandpa,” 

Mr Price clears his throat and looks around the room, as though looking for an escape route. When one does not reveal itself to him, he turns to his granddaughter and smiles. 

“Auntie Lucy...Auntie Lucy hurt your Uncle Kevin, so she’s...she’s gone away,” 

Annabelle looks at her Grandad, then her dad and then back at Kevin. She is silent for a moment but then her bottom lip starts trembling and Connor actually finds himself leaning away from her and Kevin. 

“Oh, Annie, don’t cry, don’t cry. I’m fine. I promise, I’m fine,” Kevin says hurriedly, “I am OK. I promise you,”

“P-Promise?”

“I wouldn’t lie to you now, would I?”

“Uncle Kev?”

“Yes?”

“Can we dance?”

“Annie, Uncle Kevin is probably tired,” Molly says quickly, “wait until he’s better and then-”

“No, no, it’s fine, Molls,” Kevin says, throwing his covers off of him and slowly getting out of bed, “I can’t not dance with my favourite girl, can I?”

Molly sighs and looks at Connor, dropping his voice, "The only person she ever wants to dance with is Kevin. She had a right little tantrum on his wedding day because he danced with Lucy and not him. And well...maybe we should have taken that as a sign," 

James (still holding the balloons) runs forwards and helps Kevin up, steadying him when he almost stumbles. Noah crawls off of Connor’s stomach and over to James, staring up at the balloons as though they are the most amazing things that he’s ever seen. When James smiles and waves at Noah, Connor hears Chris mutter, “That is the cutest godamn thing I’ve ever seen in my life,” and then, “fucking hell, am I ready for kids?”

“Kev, you really don’t have to-” Jack says, but Kevin just waves him down. 

"I'm alright, Jack,"

He bends down and picks Annabelle up, twirling her around. She giggles and puts her arms around his neck, resting her head on his shoulder. He sways with her on the spot, and Connor is sure that he can hear Kevin singing very quietly under his breath. He is also sure that he has never been more attracted to Kevin than he is at that exact moment. 

Someone places their hand on his shoulder and he looks up into the teary face of Mrs Price. 

“You’ll look after him, won’t you?” she asks quietly. 

“Of course,” he says, “of course I will,”

“You’ll never lay a hand on him?”

“Never,”

Mrs Price smiles and kisses him on the cheek, “Welcome to the family, Connor,” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Full disclosure, I am extremely hungover right now. Tequila is bad, kids. Dont' drink shots of tequila. It doesn't end well for anyone. I feel like someone is hitting me over the head repeatedly with a hammer. So if this chapter makes no sense, it isn't me. It's the Tequila. Blame the Tequila. 
> 
> Thanks for reading though!!!  
<3


	19. Barely Anywhere

“Are you wearing that to work?”  
  
Connor watches in some amusement as Kevin looks up from his breakfast and frowns. It’s his first day back at work and he seems more anxious than Connor expected him to be, especially considering the only thing that Kevin has been talking about for the last three months is how much he's missed work and how much he hated the fact that he had missed the first month back.   
  
“Yeah. Why?” He asks before turning pale, “should I - should I not? Does it look bad? Should I wear something different? It's been a while since I’ve been to work so-“  
  
“Kev, stop, I was just about to compliment you,”  
  
Kevin’s frown deepens, “oh,”  
  
“You’re dressed like a dad,”  
  
“Oh,” he repeats.  
  
“It’s a good look,”  
  
“Right. Thanks.”  
  
Connor sighs and returns to his emails. There was a time when Kevin liked nothing more than Connor complimenting him. Now, whenever Connor directs even the slightest bit of praise towards him, Kevin reacts awkwardly. Lucy really had fucked him up.  
  
“You sure it’s not too much? Should I lose the tie?” Kevin asks, glancing down at his shirt and tugging on his tie.  
  
“You always used to dress like that when you went to work,” Connor says carefully, “if it wasn’t too much then, why would it be too much now?”  
  
“I don’t - I don’t know,”  
  
“You look good, Kevin. Don’t overthink it,”  
  
“Right. You’re right. I’m gonna - I’m gonna get going,”  
  
“Do you want me to drive you?”  
  
“Yes,” Kevin says quickly, before blushing, “I mean, if it’s not too much hassle. Actually, last night you said you had a load of writing to do so I’ll just drive myself, I don’t want to get in your way-“  
  
“Hey, hey, hey,” Connor says softly, “I wouldn’t have offered if I didn’t have time,”  
  
Kevin nods, “Yeah. No. Obviously. I’m just being stupid,”  
  
“No you’re not,” Connor says, “you’re being cute,”  
  
“You always say that,”  
  
“Because you’re always being cute,”  
  
Kevin is quiet in the car, resting his chin on his elbow and looking out of the window. Connor would like nothing more than to hold his hand and tell him that his first day back will be fine, but he doesn’t really think that that would be helpful.  
  
He finally speaks when Connor pulls up outside of the school.  
  
“What am I going to tell them if they ask why I’m not wearing my wedding ring?”  
  
“Well...I thought you would be panicking about that so I, uh, I bought you a fake one,” Connor says, blushing furiously as he leans over Kevin to open the glove compartment. He pulls out a pouch that contains the ring, “I also - look, it isn’t an engagement ring or anything it’s just - obviously it isn’t we aren’t there yet -I mean, we’re barely anywhere- I just - I thought it’d be nice for you to wear one that doesn’t have anything to do with her. Like...like taking back ownership. You don’t have to wear it,” he adds hastily, seeing the look on Kevin’s face.  
  
“No! I mean, I will wear it. It’s...it’s a nice idea,” Kevin replies hastily, his own cheeks turning red, “thank-you, Connor,”  
  
Really, Connor wound like nothing more than to kiss him senseless but he holds back, simply smiling.  
  
“Have a nice day,”  
  
“You too, Con,”  
  
Connors heart swells as he watches Kevin walk up to the school gates. A group of students notice him and immediately descend on him with shouts of, “Mr Price, you’re back!” and “we’ve really missed you, sir!”.

Things seem to be looking up, leaving Connor feeling quite disoriented. 

It’s been three months since Kevin left Lucy, and he and Connor are living together. They just aren’t..._ together _ . At least, Connor doesn’t _ think _that they’re together. There’s a lot of hand holding and cuddling and whenever Kevin has a nightmare, Connor will crawl into bed with him and hold him until he falls asleep. The word ‘boyfriend’ hasn’t been thrown around, and Connor is not going to be the first one to throw it. He’s going to leave it up to Kevin, however much it might kill hm. 

Things haven’t been easy, though; Kevin decided that he isn't going to press charges against Lucy, despite the fact that every single person in his life told him that he most definitely should. But he didn’t want to deal with the stress of going to court and testifying against her. This doesn’t mean that he isn’t stressed; Lucy still hasn’t signed the divorce papers and it’s left Kevin in a constant state of anxiety. 

“I’m still tied to her,” he sobs into Connor’s chest one night, “I can’t get rid of her. She won’t let me go. Why won’t she let me go, Con? Why?”

“I don’t know, Kev, I don’t know,” Connor says quietly, fighting back tears of his own, “but she’ll have to stop holding on one day. This isn’t going to last forever,”

And Connor really believes that, somehow. 

Amazingly, his blog has not suffered after his admission of cheating, even though he was convinced that it would have done, but he still changes the way he runs it. He still talks about The List, of course, but he keeps his personal life well, personal. He does not mention Kevin once, hoping to keep the fact that Elder Price and Kevin are the same person a secret for as long as possible. 

“You know Jack and Molly are moving to New York?” Kevin says one evening when they’re watching TV. 

“Really?” Connor asks, pushing his laptop away from him. He was halfway through writing a post about how he had killed yet another houseplant, but felt that this was more important, “I didn’t think they were being serious when they said that,” 

Kevin nods, “Yeah. Jack says he’s bored of Utah,”

“It’s not really difficult to be bored of Utah, is it?”

Connor doesn’t think that Jack is bored of Utah at all. In fact, he is quite sure that they are uprooting and moving to New York so that they can keep an eye on Kevin. Not that Connor minds, of course, because that means that he gets to watch Kevin with the twins even more. 

“We could babysit,” Kevin says lightly. 

“We could, yeah,” Connor replies. 

They fall into silence for a while, and Connor turns back to his laptop, aimlessly scrolling through what he's written. 

“Would you ever want kids, Connor?” Kevin asks out of nowhere. 

“Oh,” Connor says, slightly startled by the question, “Um, I don’t know, Kev. I’ve never really thought about it...maybe one day. I don’t think I’m quite ready yet,”

“No,” Kevin says, “No, I’m not ready. I just...I never wanted kids with Lucy but I think...I think with the right person, I could,” 

Kevin seems to be creeping towards the sort of conversation that Connor has been dying to have for weeks, but before he can ask, someone starts banging on the door. Cursing whoever decided that _ now _ would be a great time to interrupt them, Connor opens the front door, revealing Arnold and Nabulungi. 

“Oh, hey guys,” Connor says, “I didn’t know you were coming over,” 

“We just need to speak to you about something,” Arnold says happily, “can we come in?”

“Uh, sure,” Connor says, “is everything OK?”

“Fine!” Nabulungi says brightly as she follows Connor into the living room, “Hey, Kevin!”

Kevin turns around and raises his eyebrows. 

“What are you doing here?”

“We have news,” Arnold says. 

“What’s going - oh, fuck me!” Connor exclaims, jumping up from his seat as Naba holds her left hand up and wiggles her fingers at them. There’s a gold ring sat there, “No way! Are you - are you getting married?”

“We’re getting married!” Arnold yells before dissolving into a fit of giggles. 

Connor turns to look at Kevin, suddenly quite worried about how he will react to this news, but he is grinning. 

“It’s about time, don’t you think?” he asks. 

Naba nods enthusiastically, “I almost asked him myself but he surprised me this morning. Got down on one knee and everything!”

Arnold then gets down on one knee for the second time that day, but this time in front of Kevin. 

“Kevin Price, will you make me the happiest man in the world and be my best man?” 

“Yes!” Kevin says, “Yes! Yes! A thousand times yes!”

“Why are they like this?” Connor sighs as they envelope each other in a hug, both now sobbing hysterically. 

“I don’t know,” Nabulungi says, “but would you like to be my Maid of Honor? Or, well, my Man of Honour?”

Soon, Connor is also hysterically sobbing and is finding it quite difficult to stop. The fact that Arnold and Nabulungi then announce that the wedding is _ next week _does not help. 

“N-Next week?” Connor stutters, “_Why_?”

A look of sadness suddenly sweeps over Nabulungi’s face, “Baba is very ill. I don’t know how long he is going to be here for, but he says that he will fly over for the wedding. I don’t want to waste any time,” 

“Right. Of course not,” Connor says, running a hand through his hair, “I will - I will help you and make sure that everything is planned to perfection,” 

“Yeah, and I’ll pretend to help,” Kevin says, “I know I’m the only one here who’s actually been married, but it’s a day I try not to remember and I’m trying to limit myself to only three panic attacks a week,” 

“You don’t have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable, buddy,” Arnold says quickly, “in fact, you don’t even have to be best man if it makes you feel sad, I can just get someone else to-“

“Arnold, I _ want _to be best man. I’m obviously gonna be there for you in your wedding day,” 

That night, when Connor is lay in bed, his heart beating with nervous excitement at the thought of somehow planning a whole wedding in a week. And yet, there is a hint of sadness there as he begins to wonder if he’ll ever make it down the aisle. Kevin is the only person who Connor has ever wanted to marry, but he isn’t sure that Kevin will ever want to get married again. 

His thoughts are interrupted by the sound of Kevin crying in the next room and Connor drags himself out of bed. He knocks lightly on the door. 

“Kev? Are you OK? Do you want me to come in?”

He waits for a moment and then Kevin replies. 

“Please,” 

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Connor asks as he crawls into bed beside him. 

“No,” he replies groggily, shuffling closer to Connor, “No. I just want to sleep,”

“Alright,” Connor replies, pressing a hesitant kiss into Kevin’s hair, “Night, Kevin,"

“Good-night, Con,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is no one on this earth who could convince me that Kevin Price doesn't dress like a dad. 
> 
> Thanks for reading, and thank-you for all the lovely comments and kudos, it really means a lot to me!! <3


	20. Now And Forever And A Bit Longer

In years to come, Connor will never understand how they managed to plan a whole wedding within a week. He will not understand how he didn’t smother Arnold to death when he spent four hours trying to pick between two ties that were the same colour and how he somehow managed to learn every single Ugandan wedding tradition there is so that Naba wouldn’t feel too far away from home. 

The only things that got him through the week were Kevin’s texts of encouragement and the fact that he would at least get a decent blog post out of this. 

The Friday before the wedding, Connor escapes planning to go and pick Kevin up from work, leaving Chris and James to put the bouquets together. 

“Hey,” Kevin says as he gets in the car, “how was your day?”

“Don’t even get me started,” Connor mutters, “Chris and James are arguing about what mine and Nabulungi’s bouquets should like even though neither me nor Nabulungi care what the bouquets should look like. Naba just wants to get married and I just want to make it down the aisle without falling on my face,”

Kevin looks at Connor with raised eyebrows, “You’re going to be carrying a bouquet?”

Connor feels his cheeks heat up. 

“Well, yeah. I _ am _Naba’s Man of Honour and she said that she didn’t want me to just wear a flower on my suit jacket. I mean, it’s not the most traditional wedding in the world, is it?”

“I’m not saying that like it’s a bad thing,” Kevin says hurriedly, “I think you’ll look good,” 

Connor looks out of the window to hide his smile, “I hope so. I don’t want to ruin the pictures. Anyway, how was your day?”

**\-----**

“You want me to walk down the aisle with _ who _?” Connor hisses at Naba.

It is the day of the wedding, and they did not have time to have a rehearsal, which is not at all helping with Connor’s anxiety. Chris, Naba’s other ‘Bridesman’ is giggling next to Connor, who retaliates by hitting him in the face with a cushion. 

“Kevin,” Naba repeats, “Chris and James are walking down together and then you and Kevin are. It really isn’t that big of a deal,” 

“Yes, it is. How can you expect me to walk down the aisle with my ex-boyfriend who I really, _ really _want to be my actual boyfriend?” Connor says, “can’t I walk down with James?”

“No,” Naba says firmly, “this is _ my _wedding, Connor and I want you to walk down the aisle with Kevin, and I want Chris to walk down the aisle with James,”

“Think of it as practice for _ your _ big day,” Chris sniggers. 

“Naba?” Connor asks. 

“Yes?”

“Can I kill Chris?” 

She pauses in the act of putting lipstick on.

“After the wedding,”

Connor very nearly cries when he sees Kevin. He is stood on the steps of the registry office where the ceremony is taking place, and Connor is sure that he has never looked more attractive. His suit is perfectly tailored, the dark green colour perfectly complements his skin tone and his hair has never looked better. Connor doesn’t say any of this out loud, of course, but he’s worried that he might if he gets drunk. He then makes a mental note to _ not _get drunk. 

“Are you just going to stand and stare at me all day?” 

Connor jumps when he realises that Kevin is speaking to him, a smirk on his face. 

“Oh - I wasn’t - you just -” Connor clears his throat, “You look nice,”

Kevin smiles at him and Connor might swoon. 

“So do you,” he says. Then he holds up a flower, “I don’t know how to put this on my jacket,” 

“Hold my flowers,” Connor sighs, passing him the bouquet. 

It’s at this point that Connor realises that in order to attach the flower to the lapel of Kevin’s jacket, he’s going to have to stand very close to him. Acting as though this _ isn’t _ going to bother him, Connor leans closer to Kevin’s chest and attaches the flower, feeling his cheeks heat up. He’s also very aware of the fact that Chris - who had appointed himself photographer when Connor is ‘unavailable to take pictures - is taking far too many pictures of the two of them. 

“There you go,” Connor says, awkwardly patting him on the arm, “All done,” 

“Oh, wait, Con, you’ve messed up your hair a bit,” Kevin says, grabbing Connor’s arm to stopping him from moving away, “Let me just-”

As Kevin smooths his hair down, Connor has to fight the urge to lean into his touch. Though this is made slightly easier by James whispering, “they’re in love!” in a whisper that was not at all quiet. 

Walking down the aisle isn’t actually as awkward as Connor imagined it to be, but Jack and Molly giggling when they walk by the Price’s seat she isn’t helpful. Kevin kissing Connor on the cheek before they part ways and stand on their respective sides also isn’t helpful and Connor isn’t sure what Kevin is doing; is he flirting? Or is he just being over-friendly? Connor thinks that he’s probably reading too far into the whole thing and should just do his best to try and ignore Kevin. But ignoring Kevin Price is much easier said than done. 

Though Connor does find himself distracted from Kevin for the first time in a long time when the doors at the back of the registry office open, revealing Nabulungi and a rather frail looking Mafala. Arnold actually gasps out loud and squeals, and Connor cannot blame him. She does look beautiful. 

When Connor had suggested that they go to that bridal shop from Say Yes to the Dress (because it is his guilty pleasure), Nabulungi had rolled her eyes at him and told him that western wedding dresses were just too _ boring _and that she would rather not get married than have to wear a white wedding dress. And as he watches her walk down the aisle in traditional Ugandan dress - a brightly coloured dress - he does not blame her. White is far too much of a boring colour for her.

The wedding is beautiful, and Connor starts crying 30 seconds in. Arnold may have babbled on far too long in his vows and Connor couldn’t quite understand what Nabalungi was saying through her sobs, but it was just so..._ them._

Connor makes the mistake off looking up at Kevin just as they say, “I do,” to each other. They lock eyes and, for a moment, it is as though they are the only people in the whole entire world. But then Connor looks away, because it will never be like that and he should probably just get over that fact. 

The rest of the wedding is just as incredible, but it’s still tinged with sadness for Connor. The happy couple is just so..._ happy _ , and he is not. The worst of it comes when they are watching Arnold and Nabulungis first dance (_Heaven for Everyone_ by Queen) and he can’t help but wonder if he’ll ever find this sort of love...if _ Kevin _will ever be ready for this sort of love. 

Tears form in his eyes for the umpteenth time that day, and Connor quickly wipes them away before anyone sees, but then Kevin bumps hips with him. 

“Are you OK?”

“Fine,”

“You’re crying, Connor,” 

“Oh, well, you know me...I cry about everything. I’m just happy for them,” Connor says, and it isn’t that much of a lie. He _ is _happy for them. 

“No, this is the sad sort of crying. What’s the matter?” Kevin asks. 

“It’s nothing. It’s stupid. I just - I don’t know if I’ll ever have all of this, you know?” he gestures around the wedding hall. 

“With - with the right person, I’m sure you will,” 

“I think I have the right person. I just don’t know if he’s up to it,”

Kevin smiles and takes Connor’s hand. 

“He is,” 

“He is?” Connor asks, his heart beating out of control. 

“Yeah. I, uh-”

But Kevin is interrupted by Arnold shouting them over, “Guys! Best Man and Man of Honour dance time!”

“Arn, that is not a thing!” Kevin yells back, “get Chris and James to dance if it bothers you that much!”

“Chris and James are about to dance, but we can’t unless you two hurry up,” Chris says in a sing-song voice. 

There are some sniggers from the crowd and Mr Price appears behind them, putting his hands on their backs and giving them a little shove forward. 

“Come on, boys, it’s tradition,”

“There is literally not _one_ traditional thing about this wedding,” Kevin mutters, but he drags Connor onto the dance floor anyway and twirls him unexpectedly. Connor yelps slightly and falls forward into Kevin who laughs. 

“This is terrible. This is awful. Why is everyone staring at us. Oh my god. I can’t believe - we should have a conversation about us before we dance at a _ wedding _to-” Connor breaks off in a groan when the music starts. 

_ God Only Knows by the Beach Boys. _

“_Why _ this song?” Connor asks as Kevin places a hand on his waist and picks up his other hand. 

“Because it’s a nice song?” Kevin says, “You’re meant to put your hand on my shoulder, by the way,”

With his face burning bright red, Connor awkwardly places his hand on Kevin’s shoulder and lets him take the lead. What he really wants to do is put his face on Kevin’s chest so that he doesn’t have to look at anyone, but he doesn’t think that would actually make him feel any better. 

Then Kevin starts singing and Connor doesn’t know if he’ll make it out alive. 

“_ ‘If you should ever leave me, though life would still go on believe me, the world could show nothing to me, so what good would living do me, God only knows what I’d be without you,” _ ” he sings softly, “ _ ‘God only knows what I’d be without you...’ _” 

“Kev, what are we doing?” Connor asks quietly through tears, “what is this?” 

“I, um...I don’t...well, to quote Brian Wilson, God only knows what I’d do without you. And I don’t want to lose you and...I’m sorry, for everything. I never should have left you,” 

“Right, OK, I - this is a weird place to discuss this,” Connor says. 

“Do we have to discuss it? Can’t you just say yes? Because we both feel the same, I know we do,” 

“I - yes,” Connor says, “Yes. Yes to everything you’re saying to me right now,”

They leave the wedding slightly earlier than they had planned, Kevin feigning an illness. Connor is quite sure that Arnold and Nabulungi see through their lies, but no one says anything. They just wave them off with a smile. 

Connor isn’t sure why he feels awkward when Kevin kicks the front door shut and pulls him closer. It’s not as though they’ve never been in this position before; Connor’s back pressed against the door as Kevin towers over him, running his hands up and down his sides. This time just feels different, and Connor can’t quite work out why.  
  
“You OK?” Kevin asks.  
  
“Course I am,” Connor replies, reaching up and caressing Kevin’s cheek with his thumb, “this feels different to last time, though,”  
  
Kevin frowns.  
  
“Not in a bad way,” Connor says hastily, “last time...last time we were both in relationships and there wasn’t a clear way out. This time, we’re out of those relationships. I don’t want to fuck this up and lose you again,”  
  
“You’re not going to lose me, Connor,”  
  
“You said that to me in Uganda,”  
  
“I know,” Kevin replies, and Connor is thankful that he’s self aware, “I know, but I was young and stupid and terrified of love. Terrified of what would happen if I got home and told my parents about us. But I’m not scared anymore. I actually couldn’t care less what anybody thought of me. I love you, Connor McKinley, and I want the entire world to know,”  
  
“Why don’t you just let me know, right now?” Connor asks.  
  
Kevin moves closer to him and smirks. Connor sees a trace of the old Kevin for the first time in months.  
  
“When you say it back, I will,”  
  
“Kevin Price,”  
  
“Yes?”  
  
“I love you,”  
  
Kevin grabs Connors face and pulls them together. The kiss is not rough, it is deep and passionate and leaves Connor feeling a little teary. Connor’s hands go straight to Kevin’s hair, stiff with product but no less soft. Kevin drops his head and his lips are on Connor’s neck, drawing moan after moan out of him.  
  
“F-Fuck, Kevin,”  
  
“I need you,” Kevin says, lifting his head up, “I need you now and forever,” 

“After that, you can have me now and forever and a bit longer,”

The words have the desired effect on Kevin. He has the look in his eye, the one that says, ‘_ I’m about to give this my all _ ,’ and it’s always been Connor’s favourite look on him. Kevin takes Connor by the hand and leads him to the bedroom - _ their _ bedroom- and gently pushes him down onto the bed, crawling on top of him. He begins to grind and Connor moans under his breath, gripping onto Kevin’s hips, holding him in place.  
  
“Ah, Jesus...Kev... _ ah _ ,” he throws his head back and Kevin leans forward, licking a stripe up his neck and nibbling at a spot just underneath his jaw, “fucking hell,”  
  
Connor’s hands move from Kevin’s hips and to the lapel of his suit jacket, tugging at it until Kevin slips it off and throws it to the floor, quickly discarding his shirt and tie. Kevin’s hands go to Connor’s belt, hovering just above the buckle.  
  
“Go for it,” Connor says, “Please,” he adds, not caring how desperate his sounds.  
  
Kevin makes quick work of pulling Connors trousers and boxers down, and even quicker work of taking him in his mouth. Connor let’s out a steady stream of moans and Kevin bobs his head up and down, playing with his balls.  
  
“_Fuck_. You’re so good, K-Kev. Ah, ah, _ah_. Keep on going, just like that, baby, just like - just like that,”  
  
Connor puts his hand under Kevin’s chin and pulls him away before he finishes. Kevin looks momentarily upset before Connor flips them over and begins peppering kisses on Kevin’s neck and chest.  
  
“_Ah, _Con, shit. Please,”  
  
“Please what?” Connor asks, nibbling on his earlobe.  
  
“Do something. _ Anything _ ,” he whines, popping open the buttons on Connor’s shirt.  
  
Connor carries on kissing him as he undoes Kevin’s trousers and pulls them down, wrapping his hand around his dick. Slowly he begins to move his hand up and down but stops when Kevin makes a sound that isn’t one of pleasure.  
  
“Sorry,” Kevin gasps, “I just - whenever she would - I’m being stupid. You’re not her, I know,”  
  
“If you don’t want me to-“  
  
“No,” he says quickly, “No. Carry on, please. You aren’t her. I know you’re not,”  
  
Connor slowly nods his head, “Just keep looking at me, OK?”  
  
“Yeah,” Kevin says, biting down on his lip as Connor takes him in his hand again.  
  
“Look at me, Kev,” Connor says quietly.  
  
Kevin opens his eyes and looks up at him, the tiniest smile on his face. Connor smiles back and places a gentle kiss on his lips.  
  
“I love you,” Connor tells him, just in case he isn’t aware, “I’m not gonna hurt you, I promise,”  
  
“I know,” Kevin moans, bucking his hips up as Connor’s hand starts to move faster, “I know, I know. I love you,”  
  
For a few minutes, the only sound in the room is Kevin’s quiet moans and Connor whispering how much he loves him until it’s broken by Kevin asking a question.  
  
“Con, can I ride you?”  
  
“Yes,” Connor says quickly, perhaps _too_ quickly, “Yes. Yes. Yes,”  
  
Kevin sniggers, “Alright, calm down,”  
  
“Sorry, it’s just been so long,”  
  
“I know,” Kevin whispers, sitting up to kiss Connor, “too long,”  
  
They sit like that for a while, just kissing until Kevin produces a bottle of lube seemingly out of nowhere. Connor would question where he got the lube from, but is slightly distracted by the sight of Kevin Price fingering himself in front of him. Connors mouth goes dry and his eyes widen. He’s never seen something so intoxicatingly beautiful in his life and he isn’t sure how he’s not come on the spot.  
  
“Fucking hell, Kevin,” Connor whispers, “you’re beautiful,”  
  
Kevin looks up at him through hooded eyes and smiles, “just gimme a sec, I’m almost - almost -“ he breaks off in a low moan, “Ready. I’m ready,”  
  
Connor grins and sits with his back against the headboard of the bed. When he’s rolled the condom on and squirted lube onto himself, he pats his lap and smiles serenely at Kevin.  
  
“Come on then,”  
  
“Bossy,” Kevin mutters, but shuffling over to him anyway.  
  
A look of pure determination on his face, Kevin slowly slides down Connor’s dick, grunting slightly at the effort. Connor holds onto his hips to steady him, making sure to tell him of what a good job he is doing. When he’s all the way down, he takes a deep breath and squeezes his eyes shut.  
  
“You OK?” Connor asks him, “do you want me to move?”  
  
“No,” Kevin says, “no, I want to - I want to be the one to move,”  
  
“Alright,” Connor replies, flicking his tongue over one of Kevin’s nipples and smirking at the sound he makes.  
  
Kevin takes a deep breath again and slowly begins to move. The breath catches in Connors throat and he holds onto Kevin as he begins to move faster, speaking so quickly and breathlessly that Connor has no idea what he’s saying. Somehow, that is more hot.  
  
“Doing so well, Kev,” Connor says, moving his hands from Kevin’s hips to his dick, “so well,”  
  
“Ah!” Kevin exclaims when Connor begins to pump his fist, “shit. Keep on - keep on going that, Con, please, please, _ please _ ,”  
  
Connor is not one to ignore the demands of his boyfriend when he looks -and _ feels _ \- this good. Kevin whimpers and falls forward onto Connors shoulder, and he can feel him shaking.  
  
Through the haze of his pleasure, Connor somehow manages a coherent sentence.  
  
“Kev, do you want to change positions? Is it too much? Kev? Kevin?”  
  
“N-No,” Kevin says, breathing heavily through his nose, and still leaning against Connors shoulder, “Give me a minute to catch my breath,”  
  
Connor hooks his thumb underneath Kevin’s chin and lifts it up, smiling at him.  
  
“You’re beautiful,” Kevin says, before Connor can even open his mouth, “Gorgeous,”  
  
“Hey, you’re the one with a praise kink. Not me,”  
  
Kevin pouts, but Connor can tell he isn’t being serious because he starts to move up and down again.  
  
“So you’re telling me you only compliment me because you know it gets be going?”  
  
“Yep,” Connor says, finding it hard to breathe, “because - oh, god, I’m gonna come, I’m gonna - Kev, shit, I - _ oh _ ,”  
  
Kevin finishes seconds later, wildly thrashing about and Connor is sure that he’s never been happier as Kevin curls up beside him and presses a kiss to his jaw.  
  
“I need a shower,”  
  
“Kevin Price, if you leave this bed I swear to god I’ll never speak to you again,”  
  
He isn’t looking at him, but Connor knows that Kevin just rolled his eyes.  
  
“Come shower with me, then. That way we both get what we want,”

Connor grins as he follows Kevin into the shower. For once, he actually has gotten what he wants.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trying to decide Arnold and Nabulungi’s first dance song was harder than I thought it was going to be and I changed my mind like 15 times but I feel like Heaven For Everyone suits them even though it’d probably be a hard song to dance to. Am I overthinking this? Yes. Do any of you give a shit? Probably not. Am I ever going stop writing long winded notes at the end of chapters? Definitely not. 
> 
> ANYWAY 
> 
> Thanks for reading and all that
> 
> <3


	21. Undeserving

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!TRIGGER WARNING!!
> 
> -Homophobic language

Kevin likes to walk around school whistling. Half because the silence of deserted corridors makes him anxious and half because it gives anyone skipping class a chance to get away. He knows that he should probably be looking for whoever is skipping class, but he doesn’t like shouting at anyone and tries to turn a blind eye to any low-level trouble making. That’s something he learned off Connor in Uganda, and if ignoring low-level trouble making worked for the District 9 Elders, then it can work for a bunch of high schoolers.

His whistling, however, is drowned out by the sound of yelling as he walks across the courtyard. Frowning, Kevin turns his head in the direction of the noise and he swears quietly under his breath as he watches two boys throw punches at each other.  
  
At once, he takes off sprinting across the courtyard and over to the fight. Shoving through the crowd and wrapping his arms around the middle of the student nearest to him.  
  
“HEY!” He shouts, “STOP IT! GROW UP!”  
  
He yanks the student back but he somehow manages to wriggle out of Kevin’s grip. Just as Kevin goes to grab his arm again, a fist swings out of nowhere and catches him in the jaw. Kevin staggers back, holding a hand to his jaw and suddenly, Lucy is stood in front of him again.  
  
_ “You’re a dirty queer, Kevin! Do you know that? You’re absolutely disgusting! I can’t believe that I wasted five years of my life with you! You disgust me! I’d rather you be dead than queer!” _  
  
“N-No. Please. Leave me alone, leave me alone. - get away from me! Get away from me!”

“Mr Price? Are you - are you OK? Mr Price?”

“Someone go and get someone!”

“Who the hell is he speaking to?”

Then there are hands around his arm, pulling him backwards. And it is Lucy. It must be Lucy. No one else pulls him like that. 

“GET OFF ME!” he yells, ripping his arm out of Lucy’s grip and staggering back from her. Only, it isn’t Lucy. It’s Miss Melroy, staring at him with wide eyes. 

And then he realises that he isn’t back at the house with her, but in school and he’s sobbing in front of 60 school kids. Miss Melroy walks towards him again, and goes to put her hand on his arm, but he flinches and bats her hand away. Even though he’s outside, he feels as though he’s trapped; the kids are stood too close to him, Miss Melroy still has her hand outstretched towards him and she's wearing the same nail polish that Lucy does. 

“Mr Price,” she says softly, “Mr Price, it’s OK. You’re in school. No one - no one is going to hurt you,”

“Connor,” he whispers, “I - I need Connor. Where is he? Why isn’t he here? Why isn’t Connor here?”

“I’ll - I’ll get him. Just come with me, Mr Price, yeah?” she says, still speaking softly, “come with me and we’ll find him,” 

Another teacher appears and begins to herd the kids away, and Kevin can hear them muttering amongst themselves, questioning whether or not Mr Price has gone mad. Kevin isn’t entirely sure that Mr Price hasn’t gone mad. He closes his eyes and clenches his fists, digging his fingernails into his palms. If he can focus on that pain, then he’ll be able to bring himself back down to earth. 

“Can I touch you, Kevin?” Miss Melroy asks quietly. 

He opens his eyes, still breathing heavily. It’s as though he’s ran a marathon. 

“N-No. Please. Don’t. I can’t - it’s too much. I know you aren’t her but-”

“Hey, you don’t need to explain yourself. Just follow me, OK?” she says, “Can I have your phone to call Connor?”

Kevin nods and hands his phone over. She smiles at him and gestures for him to follow. He barely pays any attention to where he’s going until he’s sat down and realises he’s sat in Mr Roberts office and he feels his palms go clammy. Being in the principal's office never meant anything good when he was a student, and it still doesn’t mean anything good now that he’s a teacher. It can only mean one thing; he’s going to get fired. 

“Jesus, Kevin, are you OK?”

Mr Roberts is wearing a look of sympathy on his face, but it doesn’t make Kevin feel any better. Tears spring to his eyes as he launches into his apology.  
  
“Sorry, I just...he hit me and it was like - it was like Lucy all over again,” Kevin says, “I’m sorry. I should have handled it better. It’s my fault. I’m sorry. I know you’ve probably already made your decision but - I really, really don’t want to lose my job. I love working here and I love being a teacher and-”  
  
“What in the world are you talking about, Kevin?” Mr Roberts interrupts. 

“You’re firing me, aren’t you?”

Mr Roberts frowns at him, “Of course I’m not firing you. You’re one of the best teachers in this school, maybe even _ the _best. Why would I fire my strongest member of staff?”

“Because - because I couldn’t break up a fight!” Kevin exclaims, “and I just had a panic attack in front of loads of students and-”

“Kevin, you’ve been through a lot. The way you just reacted is - it’s normal for what you’ve been through,” Mr Roberts says kindly, “and it isn’t a good reason to fire you. You’ve never given me a good reason to fire you,” 

Kevin feels himself go red and he puts his head in his hands, “I’m sorry for being like this. I’m so stupid, I’m so sorry,”

“Good lord, you need to stop apologising for this sort of thing. And you aren’t stupid, don’t call yourself that,” Mr Roberts says sharply, “I’m going to send you home though, alright? Miss Melroy rang your boyfriend. He’s on the way, OK?”

Kevin nods, trying to ignore the pain that is building in his jaw. 

“Thanks, sir,”

There’s a knock on the door and Mr Roberts secretary pops his head around the door. 

“Sorry to interrupt, but there is a very anxious man outside demanding to see Mr Price,” he pauses for a moment to frown, “and he’s sort of scaring me so shall I send him away or send him in? I just want to get away from him so either is fine,” 

“It’s alright, Liam, send him in,” Mr Roberts says, “It’s Mr Prices boyfriend,”

“God, are you alright, Kev?” Are the first words out of Connor’s mouth when he burst through the office door, almost knocking over poor Liam in the process.   
  
“I’ll leave you two it,” Mr Roberts says, “Lovely to meet you though, Connor,”

“Yeah, yeah, you too...” Connor mutters, though he only seems to have eyes for Kevin, “are you OK, love? Miss Melroy told me what happened,”

“N-No. I’m not OK,” is all Kevin manages to say before he burst into sobs. He jumps up and all but throws himself at Connor, who stumbles slightly before putting his arms around him. 

“Oh, Kevin, sweetie, it’s - it’s OK. It’s alright. I’m here, I’m here,” Connor says hurriedly, “It’s OK. You’re OK,”

“I’m not OK!” he sobs, pulling away and kicking the desk, even though it doesn’t help, “I just had a breakdown in front of 60 kids!”  
  
“Kevin, have you ever - have you ever thought about going for therapy?”  
  
Those words seem to slap Kevin in the face and he doesn’t know what to say. Connor moves towards him with his arms held out, but Kevin holds his hands up in front of him, shaking his head.  
  
“Get away from me,”  
  
“W-What?” Connor asks, “Kev, I-“  
  
“I can’t _believe_ you could say something like to me!” Kevin yells.  
  
“What did I say?” Connor asks frowning, “I didn’t - I barely said a word!”  
  
“Suggesting that I go to _therapy_? When has that ever worked out for me, Connor?”  
  
“Kevin,” Connor says softly, “you can’t possibly think that I meant - that I meant _that_ sort of therapy, did you?”  
  
Deep down, Kevin knows what Connor meant but he’s too angry, too embarrassed and too _scared_ to say that out loud. He just tries to take deep breaths.  
  
“It’ll be good for you and-“  
  
“When Lucy said that to me, she beat me up.”  
  
Connor sighs and closes his eyes, “Kevin. You know - you know I’m not her. I would never and will _never_ be like her. I just want to help you. Please, please, let me help you,”  
  
“I’m not going to therapy, Connor.”  
  
“Kevin-“  
  
“I’m not going!” Kevin snaps, “I don’t need anyone to help me! I don’t need _you_ to help me and I don’t need some therapist to help me!”  
  
Kevin can tell that Connor is about to cry and he suddenly feels terrible, but then the word therapy echoes around his mind and he feels even worse. Connor sighs, shakes his head and picks up his car keys.   
  
“Okay, Kevin, whatever you need,” he says, his voice completely blank, “come on. I’ll drive you home,”  
  
“Can you take me to Jacks?”  
  
“Sure,” is all Connor says in reply.  
  
When Connor pulls up outside of Jacks apartment, Kevin gets out without saying a word to him. Kevin still feels terrible, but to suggest_ therapy_? The very thought makes him wants to curl up in a ball and cry.  
  
“Pretty sure you should be in work,” Jack says when he opens the door, “unless you suddenly don’t -“ he freezes and the colour drains from his face, “Why are you bruised? What’s happened? Is it - oh, no...don’t tell me - don’t tell me Connor’s hit you!”  
  
“Connor hasn’t hit me,” Kevin says hurriedly, following Jack into the apartment and throwing himself down onto the sofa, “one of the kids did,”  
  
Jack snorts, “Are you really that annoying of a teacher?”  
  
“No, idiot, I was breaking up a fight and one of them hit me,” Kevin mutters, rubbing his jaw, “and then I started sobbing in front of like...60 school kids because I thought it was Lucy and I’m never going to be able to live it down!”  
  
Jack sighs and sits on the arm of the couch, placing his hand on Kevin’s shoulder.  
  
“Dude, all the kids in that school love you. I don’t think they’re going to make your life hard when you go back,”  
  
“They’re teenagers, Jack! _Teenagers_! Do you know how horrible teenagers can be?”  
  
“Yes, I used to have a terrible one for a brother,”  
  
“I don’t like you,”  
  
“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Do you want me to ring Connor?”  
  
“No. I’m pissed off at Connor,” Kevin mutters, “he’s annoying.”  
  
He doesn’t believe anything that he’s saying, but it’s nice to be able to complain about something - no matter how untrue it is.  
  
“Why?”  
  
“He suggested that I should go to therapy!” Kevin snaps, “imagine looking me in the eye and being all, “_Yeah, Kev, I think the best thing for you to do is to go to therapy because you’re not already fucked up, are you?_”  
  
“That’s what you’re annoyed at him about? For trying to help you?”  
  
“He wants me to go to therapy!”  
  
“Kevin, I highly doubt that Connor wants you to go to conversion therapy on account of the fact that he himself is gay,” Jack says somewhat impatiently, “and I may not know a lot about being gay and having a boyfriend, but I don't think boyfriends send their boyfriends to conversion therapy!”  
  
“Stop being a smart ass,”  
  
“I can’t help it. I’m highly intelligent,”  
  
“Oh my god, shut up,”  
  
“Don’t use the Lord's name in vain,”  
  
“Jack, I swear to god-“  
  
“Don’t swear at Heavenly Father. It’s rude,”  
  
“I’m gonna kill you,”  
  
“Don’t get any blood on the carpet or Molly will kill you,”  
  
“Jack-“  
  
“Sorry,” he sighs, “you’re just really easy to annoy,”  
  
Kevin rolls his eyes and turns away from Jack who sighs again and disappears into the kitchen for a minute before returning with a cup of coffee. He sets it down in front of Kevin who looks up at him with raised eyebrows.  
  
“That’s not very Mormon of you,”  
  
This time, Jack rolls his eyes.  
  
“Hence why I’m not drinking it. I bought it for when you come over. We all know you used to drink it even after you came back from Uganda,”  
  
“Oh, wow, you do have a heart. Who’d have thought?”  
  
“Shut up, Kev. Do you want something for your jaw?”  
  
“No, it’s fine. He didn’t hit me that hard. I’ve had worse,”  
  
"So...did you and Connor argue?”  
  
“Not - Not really. I sort of just yelled a bit. He didn’t really have the chance to get a word in,” he groans and puts his head in his hands, “I’m the worst person in the world. Maybe...maybe I’m just not meant to be in a relationship! I was a terrible husband and I'm a terrible boyfriend and-“  
  
“You weren’t a terrible husband, you just had a terrible wife,” Jack interjects, “were you a terrible boyfriend in Uganda?”  
  
“N-No, I don’t...I don’t think so. We never fought that much and if we did we’d usually make up like...ten minutes later,” blushing when he thought about howthey would make up.   
  
“See? You’re not a terrible boyfriend. You’re just dealing with some stuff right now and that’s OK,”  
  
“I know, but I took it out on Connor! He didn’t even do anything wrong! I’m like - I’m like Lucy!”  
  
“No. You aren’t.”  
  
“God, he probably hates me. He’s probably going to break up with me when I get home! What am I - what am I going to do then?”  
  
“Connor isn’t going to break up with you. You should see the way he looks at you, hear the way he talks about you. Honestly, Kev, I don’t think he’s going to break up with you,” Jack says confidently, “unless...unless you want to break up with him?”  
  
“No!” Kevin says quickly, “No. Not at - not at all. No, I...I love him. I think he...you know...I think this is it,”  
  
“You think he’s _The One_?”  
  
Kevin blushes, “Maybe? I think so. Yes.”  
  
“Aw, Kev, you’re in love!”

“Great. You just ruined it.” Kevin grumbles, slouching down in the couch. But then tears spring to his eyes again and he turns to look at Jack, “Do you think - do you think he’s right? About the therapy?”

Jack sighs and then nods. 

“Yeah. I do. You can’t solve this on your own, Kev, no matter how much you want to. There’s nothing wrong with getting help,”  
  
When Kevin gets home, however, Connor is not in his office like he usually is, but fast asleep in bed despite the fact it’s only half past four. This isn’t too much of a shock to Kevin; Connor had finally crawled into bed at half past 3 that morning after writing for almost 12 hours straight.  
  
Kevin pulls his pyjamas on with a sigh but does not get into bed with Connor. Instead, he sits on the edge of the bed and stares at him as though he has never seen him before. It's just nice, Kevin thinks, to see Connor so relaxed. It's a sight very rarely seen; he's curled up in a ball and burying his face in the pillow that he's hugging tightly, his hair sticking up at odd angles. Kevin smiles and reaches out to his boyfriend, running his hand through his hair. Connor makes a tiny nose at Kevin's touch and a small smile creeps onto his face. Kevin goes to kiss him on the cheek but quickly stops himself, withdrawing his hand from his hair, tears springing to his eyes because he doesn't deserve this.

Kevin Price doesn't deserve Connor McKinley. 

He doesn't deserve Connor. Connor, who is always there for him despite the fact that being in a relationship with him must be nothing short of exhausting. Connor, who risked everything for him when they were both in relationships. Connor, who done so much for him and gotten nothing in return. Kevin stands up from the bed and backs away, unable to believe that he could be cruel to someone who he loves so much. How does that make him any better than Lucy? Lucy claimed to love Kevin, but still caused him pain. And as Kevin thinks about the look on Connor's face when he had told him to get away from him, he can't help but wonder how long it's going to be before he mutates into her even more. 

Suddenly not trusting himself to sleep in the same bed as Connor, Kevin hurries out of their bedroom and into the spare room. It's cold and lonely, but he can't risk hurting Connor even more. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finished proof-reading this and was like :( I just want Kevin to be happy but then I remembered that I'm the writer and I could easily make Kevin happy 
> 
> Being a writer is crazy you guys 
> 
> Anyway, thanks for reading and thank-you for all the lovely comments, because they really do mean a lot to me!!! <3


	22. If You Should Ever Leave Me

When Kevin gets out of the car at Jack’s, Connor rests his forehead against the steering wheel and groans so loudly that his throat actually hurts. How could he be so stupid? How he could he use that word around Kevin? He himself won’t even go for therapy for the same reason that Kevin probably never will. 

“You’re the stupidest person in the world, Connor McKinley,” he says to himself as he drives home, “You really are one of a kind when it comes to stupidity. Only _ you _could fuck up that much.”

Connor mutters angrily to himself the entire drive home, but it doesn’t actually make him feel any better. It just makes him feel worse. He considers ringing Chris, but eventually decides against it. The last thing he needs is for Chris to start panicking, or for him to then tell the others. 

Back in his office, Connor tries to get some writing done (_ “How Writers Block Ruined my Life This Month” _) but his lack of sleep soon catches up with him and he finds himself dozing off at his desk. Relying on Jack to drive Kevin home, Connor climbs into bed despite the early hour and falls asleep the moment his head hits the pillow. 

Seemingly 30 seconds later, Connor is wrenched out of sleep by the familiar sounds of Kevin crying. 

“No! No! Come back! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! _ No _!”

“Kev, it’s ok,” Connor says, reaching over to the other side of the bed, but he isn’t there. “Kevin?”

Connor sits up and looks around the room. At first, he thinks that he’s hearing things but then Kevin starts shouting again and Connor leaps out of bed. Was there someone else in the house with them?

“Kevin? Where are you?” Connor calls, pulling a jumper over his head and hurrying out of the bedroom, “Kevin?”

He eventually finds him in the spare room, curled up in a ball on the bed and shaking with violent sobs. 

“Kevin, baby, what are - what are you doing in here?” Connor asks, hesitant to go over to him when he is in this state. 

Kevin’s body jerks in response to the sound of Connor’s voice and he sits up, his eyes red and puffy from crying. 

“Connor?”

“I’m here,” 

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” and then he bursts into tears again, “Don’t leave me! Please don’t leave me!”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Connor promises, walking over to the bed but keeping a careful distance, “Look at me, I’m here,” 

“You said...you said you were leaving me,”

“No, I didn’t,” Connor says firmly. 

“Yes, you did!” Kevin exclaims, “and then - and then Lucy told me that you said you didn’t want anything to do with me!”

“That was a _ dream, _Kev. None of that happened,” 

Kevin stares at him for a moment and then groans, putting his head in his hands. 

"I'm sorry. I don't know - I don't know why I always think they're real. I'm annoying. I'm sorry,"

"You aren't annoying, Kev, don't say that," Connor says quickly. 

Kevin stares at him for a moment and look as though he is going to fight back but just shrugs his shoulder dejectedly. 

“W-What time is it?”

“Just turned midnight,” Connor says, glancing down at his watch. 

“I’m sorry for telling you to get away from me. I didn’t - I didn’t mean it. I’m just...I’m scared,” 

“What are you scared of?” Connor asks, inching closer to him but still not touching. 

“_Everything_. That Lucy is never going to sign the divorce papers. That I’m going to lose my job, that the kids think I’ve gone mad. That I actually have gone mad. And that - and that I’m not better than her,”

“No better than who? Lucy?”

Kevin nods mutely. 

Connor frowns, “Kev, you’re - you’re nothing like her,” 

But Kevin shakes his head, tears streaming down his face. 

“N-No! I hurt you! I was horrible to you! I’m just like her!”

“Is that why you slept in here?” Connor asks, overcome with the urge to hug him, “because you didn’t want to hurt me?”

He nods again. 

“Oh, Kev,” Connor sighs, “it’s not - what you said isn’t your fault. _I_ would have reacted the same way once upon a time. It was stupid of me to use that word, it still makes me uncomfortale,” 

“I’m the worst,” Kevin sobs miserably. 

“You’re not,” Connor says, reaching out and gently placing his hand on Kevin’s leg, thankful that he doesn’t shove it away, “You’re not the worst. You’re just hurting, and that’s OK,”

“I’m sorry,”

“It’s alright,” Connor says, and he means it, “And - and you know that I trust you, don’t you, Kev? I feel safe and I feel loved around you. I don’t think you’re anything like Lucy. You’re kind and caring and I love you, OK?”

Kevin sniffles and wipes his eyes, but doesn’t look up at Connor. Slowly, Connor puts his hand under Kevin’s chin and tilts his head up so he can see the bruise. 

“I’m going to get some ice for your jaw. I’ll be right back,” 

“Promise?” he asks in a voice so tiny that it is barely audible. 

“Do you want to come with me?” 

Even under his flushed face, Connor can see that Kevin blushes slightly when he nods. 

“Come on, then,” he says, holding out his hand. 

In the living room, they sit side by side whilst Kevin holds and ice pack to his jaw. Connor holds Kevin’s other hand, resting his head on his shoulder and only moving to occasionally kiss him on the cheek. 

“I think you’re right,” Kevin says breaking the silence. 

“What?” Connor asks, looking up at him and moving the ice pack from his face so that he can look at the bruise, “hey, the swellings gone down...”

“About - about the counselling,” 

Connor looks up at Kevin and brushes the hair out of his eyes, “Right, well...it’s past midnight so there’s not really anything we can do about it right now but...I guess we could speak to Arnold when he gets back from his Honeymoon. He’s been in, um, _ counselling _, since Uganda so-”

“He’s been _ what _?”

“Yeah, Naba made him when she came to live over here. I know James suggested it to him once before that but-” Connor pauses as Kevin puts his face into his hands, “Kev? What’s the matter, love?”

“It’s my fault.” he sobs, leaning into Connor who immediately puts his arms around him, “it’s my fault that he had to go to counselling! You - you told me that he used to get emotional when you spoke about me! My best friend is in counselling because of _ me _,” 

“Kevin, stop. You need to stop thinking that everything is your fault,” Connor says gently, “You know Arnold has always been insecure, way before you or I or anyone met him! And...well...look, you leaving probably didn’t help but you’re not to blame! And he said it himself - you came back and that’s all that matters! You think you’re a terrible person, Kevin, but you aren’t. It’s just...bad things have happened to you and you’re still learning how to deal with them. And that’s OK,” 

Kevin’s arms snake around Connor’s waist, pulling them closer together.

“Con?”

“Mhmm?” 

“You know when - you know when you came round to my house?”

Connor frowns. They have never really spoken about the weekend that Connor spent at his and Lucy's house. 

“Uh..yeah,” 

“You said that - that song from Les Miserables reminded you of me and that it wasn’t a good thing. How bad was it? After I - after I left you?”

Connor’s heart drops to his stomach and he looks up at Kevin who still has tears streaming down his face and just looks so _ broken. _There are one million that Connor wants to say to Kevin right now, and how he felt after Uganda is not one of those things. 

“That doesn’t matter right now, we’ll talk-”

“No. I want to know,” Kevin says firmly, “I don’t - I don’t want you to - I don’t want you to think that you have to act like you didn’t hate me for a bit. I know you did.,” he looks at Connor and smirks, “think of it as the start of my _ counselling, _” 

Connor pulls away from Kevin and cups his cheek, his thumb wiping away his tears. Kevin puts his hand over Connor’s and squeezes it slightly. He interlocks their fingers and Connor gently kisses Kevin’s knuckles. 

“I never hated you,”

“You don’t have to lie to me, babe,” Kevin says softly. 

“I didn’t,” Connor insists, and he really isn't lying, “I just felt betrayed. And...lonely. It was more loneliness than anything else, you know? I saw Arnold and Naba completely in love and then Chris and James got married and I was - I was happy for them, I just felt alone. Even if I was in a room full of people, I felt lonely because...well, my favourite thing in the world is to look around a room and see you there. It makes me feel safe, I guess. I remember - I remember that first meeting we had the mission president after we decided we were going to stay in Uganda. Do you remember what meeting I'm talking about? And the mission president was shouting all these awful things at us and I looked over at you and you smiled at me and I knew that somehow, we were going to be OK," 

Kevin closes his eyes, his lips trembling. 

“I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry,” 

“It doesn’t matter, Kev, you’re here with me now,” Connor says, “It’s OK. _ We’re _ OK,” 

“We are?” Kevin asks in a small voice. 

“We are,” Connor confirms, leaning in to kiss him, “We’re always OK. I love you,”

Kevin smiles the tiniest smile, “I love you, too,” 

They sit in silence for a while until Kevin gently nudges Connor.

“Dance with me?”

“What?” Connor asks. 

“Dance with me,” Kevin repeats with a giggle, standing up and pulling on Connor’s hand, “Come on!”

Connor smiles, “There’s no music,” 

Kevin rolls his eyes and drags Connor up, putting his arms around his waist and leaning closer so that their foreheads are pressed together. 

“_ If you should ever leave me, though life will still go on believe me, the world could show nothing to me...” _

Connor is tired. The kind of tired where the effort of keeping his eyes open actually hurts, but he’d rather never sleep again than not listen to Kevin Price sing to him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thaaaanks for reading!! 
> 
> <3


	23. Untied

Kevin’s laughter fills Jack and Molly’s living room, mingling with the happy shouts of Annabelle and Noah as they climb all over him. Connor hides his face behind his laptop screen to hide how much he’s smiling before Jack starts to tease him about it. It’s been a month since Kevin’s breakdown in school and after just three counselling sessions, Connor can already see the positive impact that it’s had on his boyfriend. 

He peeks over his laptop just as Annabelle kisses Kevin on the cheek. 

_ “Eugh!” _she exclaims, recoiling, “You’re spikey!”

Kevin runs a hand over his newly grown facial hair and laughs (Connor had purged the apartment of all shaving products after coming to the quite pleasant realisation that Kevin looks hot as hell with a beard, but has declined to tell Kevin this information). 

“You don’t like the beard?” Kevin asks before grabbing Annabelle and rubbing his chin on her cheek prompting her to shriek with laughter. 

“If you keep on staring at him, you’re never gonna get any writing done,” 

Connor jumps and turns to look at Jack who’s smirking. Molly tuts and pokes him in the side. 

“Leave him alone. It’s cute,” she turns to Connor and smiles, “this is the happiest I’ve seen Kevin in a long time,”

“Yeah, this is the happiest I’ve seen him since Uganda,” Connor says, looking back over at Kevin. His heart swells as he watches Noah running his hands through his hair to get it in some sort of quiff-style before looking up at Kevin. 

“I look like you, Uncle Kev!”

“I knew you were good enough for him when you danced with him at Arnold’s wedding and Annabelle didn’t throw a tantrum,” Molly says, “and if she likes you enough to deal with the fact that you might spend more time with her Unlce Kev, then you're here for good. Ignore Jack. He’s annoying,”

“I wasn’t saying him staring is a bad thing!” Jack exclaims, holding his hands up, “the only thing that's bad is that gosh dang beard!”

“I like the beard,” Molly says thoughtfully, “but I like men with beards,” 

“I’m not going to grow a beard, stop hinting at it,” Jack mumbles, “He looks ridiculous. Like a wannabe hipster,” 

“He _ is _a wannabe hipster,” Connor sighs, “a wannabe hipster who dresses like a dad,” he looks over at Jack, “You don’t even dress like a dad and you are one!” 

“Kevin has no sense of style,” Jack says matter of factly. 

“And you have no sense,” Molly retorts. 

“You still married me though, didn’t you?”

“Someone had to take one for the team.” 

Connor laughs quietly at their bickering and returns to his laptop, because he does actually need to write. He’s been trying to write the same blog post about the Book of Arnold for the last three days, but he just can’t seem to get it quite right. The two posts about the Book of Arnold that he has published proved to be quite popular (only second behind his _ ‘How Africa is Nothing Like The Lion King’ _ series) and he has lost count of how many messages he has received begging for him to write more. Trying to write about it in a Mormon household probably isn’t helping. There’s a statue of Moroni that seems to be glaring at him and he has to resist the urge to turn it around. 

“‘_Kevin and Arnold then proclaimed - to the General, of all people - that the angel Moroni, from the Death Star would unleash the kraken. In doing so, Joseph Smith Torpedos would launch from it’s mouth and turn him into a lesbian,’” _ Jack reads over Connor’s shoulder, who screams and slams his laptop shut. 

“Please don’t read that,” he says weakly, “It’ll give you Hell dreams,” 

“_That’s _what made you all stay in Uganda after the mission got shut down?” Jack asks with a frown. 

“If sunday school was like that when I was a kid, I might have been happier to be there,” Molly shrugs before glancing at the statue of Moroni and mouthing, “_sorry _,” as though it had any idea what was going on. 

“You had to be there,” is the only explanation that Connor can offer. 

“Oh, no!” Kevin exclaims loudly, “oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no,” 

“What?” Connor asks, thankful for a distraction from turning about turning war lords into lesbians, “what is it?”

“It’s my lawyer,” he says miserably, looking down at his phone, “she never tells me anything good!” 

“You’re going to have to answer it, Kev,” Molly says gently, “whatever she says, we’ll work through it together,” 

Kevin nods and walks into the kitchen. Less than five seconds later, he pokes his head around the door and beckons Connor over. 

“Don’t make me do this on my own,” 

“I would never,” Connor says, jumping up and following Kevin into the kitchen. 

Kevin takes a deep shuddering breath and puts the phone on speaker, setting it down on the counter. 

“Hello?” 

“Is that you, Mr Price?”

“Y-Yeah,” Kevin replies in a shaky voice, “Yeah. Is everything OK?”

Connor walks up behind Kevin and puts his arms around his waist, resting his head on Kevin's back and squeezing slightly. Kevin picks up one of Connor's hand and kisses it. This happens every time Kevin's lawyers calls, and Connor braces himself for a night of reassuring Kevin that everything will work out in the end. 

“I have good news,” 

Connor gasps and Kevin slowly turns around, his face completely expressionless. 

“Good news?” Kevin repeats, as though he doesn’t know what those words mean. 

“Miss Fraiser has finally agreed to the terms of the divorce and signed the papers. You’re no longer married,” 

“Oh, my god,” Kevin breathes, “I’m - I’m no longer married,” 

“You’re no longer married!” his lawyer confirms gleefully, “congratulations, Mr Price,”

“Yeah...yeah, thank-you,” 

After a few more minutes of idle small talk and the last few bits of legal jargon that they needed to know, the phone call ends. Kevin does not speak straight away, he just picks up his phone and slowly drops it into his pocket before looking down at Connnor, tears sparkling in his eyes. 

“I’m no longer married,” 

“You’re no longer married,” Connor says. 

“I’m _ free_,” he whispers, “I’m free and I’m all yours,”

Connor probably would have started sobbing at these words if it weren’t for the fact that Kevin picks him up and twirls him around the kitchen. When he sets him back down on the floor, he grabs Connor’s face and pulls him in for a kiss that is far too intimate considering where they are. This didn’t stop Connor from pulling Kevin back towards him when he tried to break the kiss. Kevin laughs into the kiss and they stay like that for a while, jumping apart at the sound of a hesitant knock on the door. 

“Everything alright?” Jack asks, as he and Molly peak around the door, “do you need a minute?”

“Everything is fine,” Kevin beams. 

“It...it is?” Jack asks, frowning, “Oh. I - OK. I was sort of expecting, well...not this,”

“I’m divorced,” 

Jack stares at him for a moment, his eyes narrowed. 

“Is this some sort of sick joke? Because if you’re lying about this, Kevin, I swear to Heavenly Father himself that I’ll never speak to you again,” 

“No. I’m not lying. She signed the papers,” Kevin says, “I swear, Jack, I wouldn’t joke about this,”

“You’re really divorced? She really signed the papers?” Jack asks in a quiet voice. 

“I’m really divorced,” 

Connor could not have predicted what happened next; Jack bursts into tears and throws his arms around Kevin, sobbing into his shirt. 

“Hey, Jack, it’s alright, you don’t have to - you don’t have to cry, buddy,” Kevin says, hugging him back, “It’s alright. I’m alright,” 

“I know you’re alright! That’s why I’m crying you big dope!” Jack snaps, somehow still being snarky despite the fact that he’s sobbing hysterically, “Gosh, you’re such an idiot sometimes!” 

“Already back to insults then,” Kevin mumbles, “that was quick,”

“Shut up, Kev.” 

Connor smiles at Kevin and then wanders back into the living room, deciding to let them have their moment. Molly follows him, wiping her eyes on the back of her hand. 

“You know, he’ll never say it out loud, but Jack’s really missed Kevin these past few years. When he and Lucy started dating, Kevin started to pull back from the family. All the signs were there we just...gosh, we were so stupid...” she says quietly, “And now Jacks biggest fear is that the twins will grow apart when they get older. It keeps him up at night,” 

“I think they’ll be fine,” Connor says, looking over to where Annabelle and Noah are sat on the floor facing each other. They seem to be having a very in depth conversation. 

“Do you have siblings?” Molly asks. 

“I did,” 

“Oh, I’m sorry,”

“Oh, no, she isn’t dead, my sister, I mean. I just haven’t spoken to her since before Uganda,” Connor shrugs, “The last time I spoke to my family was when I got on the plane for Africa,”

Molly frowns, “Didn’t you go home after your mission, though?”

“No,” Connor replies, just as casual, “On the last day of the mission, we got our last bit of post and I had a letter off my family telling me that there was no point in coming home. So I didn't."

“I’m really sorry, Connor. That’s awful,” 

“I’m better off without them,” 

This isn't strictly true. Whilst Connor is more than happy to be rid of his parents, he can't lie and say that he doesn't miss his sister. They are close in age and used to be inseparable. There was a time when one McKinley sibling was rarely seen without the other, and there had always been a stupid, naive part of him that thought that she would accept him when he came out to her. 

Still, at least he has a blog post idea. 

He takes his phone out of his pocket and quickly types a note:

“**Mondays post - Kelsey Mckinley is the worst sister to ever sister, and this is why.**”

He’ll work on the title. Maybe. 

He and Kevin leave soon after this, and Connor isn’t surprised when Kevin pins him against the wall and kisses him as though it had been years since they last kissed. But Connor thinks that Kevin might be surprised when he stops him from getting on his knees. 

“Um, babe, do you not want to-?”

“No, no, I do,” Connor says, “_ I _do,” 

“I literally have no idea what - _ oh _,” 

Kevin whimpers slightly when Connor sinks to his knees in front of him, reaching for his belt buckle. Connor’s worst kept secret is that the sight of Kevin Price on his knees in front of him is his favourite thing in the world, and it’s probably Kevin’s worst kept secret that his favourite thing in the world is to be on his knees in front of Connor.

And as Connor is looking up at Kevin, he doesn’t understand why he hasn’t done this sooner. 

“I just wanna make you feel good, Kev,” Connor whispers, tugging Kevin’s jeans down, “I’m _ gonna _make you feel good,” 

Connor feels Kevin’s hands in his hair the moment that he takes him in his mouth, and he can’t help but feel a sense of pride at the effect that he has on Kevin. He bobs his head up and down, keeping his eyes locked on Kevin’s. 

“Oh, _ god, _Connor. Holy shit,” Kevin moans, tightening his grip on Connor’s hair and bucking his hips forward, “Connor, Jesus C-Christ,”

Connor doesn't say anything, he just hums around Kevin's dick and reaches up to play with his balls. Kevin swears quietly under his breath and takes deep, panting breaths. 

"Ah, Connor, oh my - oh, shit. _Fuck. _I think I'm gonna - _ah_, I think I'm gonna come,"

Even though he doesn’t really want to, Connor pulls away from Kevin who whines at the loss of contact. 

“Do you want to?” Connor asks. 

Kevin smirks down at him, “If you think you can make me come twice in one night, yes.”

“Is that a _ challenge _, Price?”

“You never usually back down from a - _ ah, shit _,” 

Connor takes Kevin in his mouth again, bobbing his head faster. Kevin’s hands are in his hair again, pulling at all the right spots and making Connor moan around him. The vibrations of his moans seem to send Kevin over the edge, because he starts to quiver and barely manages to shout, _ “Connor!” _ before coming. 

Pulling away with a flourish, Connor looks up at Kevin and takes a moment to appreciate the sight of him leant panting against the wall, his jeans bunched up around his knees. Slowly, Connor stands up and presses up against Kevin, earning a gasp and then a whimper from him. 

“You look so good like this, Kev,” he whispers, nibbling and sucking at his neck, “so good, so pretty. I love it when you get all hot and bothered for me. I love you,” 

“L-Love you too,” Kevin gasps as Connor’s hands sneak underneath his shirt, his fingers brushing over his nipples, “_ Ah, _Connor,”

“What?” Connor aks sweetly, “what is it?” 

“‘M getting ha - hard again,” Kevin mumbles, bucking his hips towards Connor who happily grinds against him, “ah, fuck-” he breaks off in a groan as Connor’s hand lightly brushes over the tip of his dick. 

“Such a good boy, getting hard for me again,” Connor murmurs, “Do you want to move to the bedroom?”

Kevin nods and they practically trip over each other trying to get to the bed. Connor falls backwards onto the bed and Kevin, who seems eager to return Connor’s earlier favour, crawls on top of him, his hand drifting to his crotch. 

“Ah, Kev!” Connor moans as Kevin begins to palm him through his jeans, “Fucking hell, just like - oh,_ shit _,” Kevin pulls Connor’s t-shirt over his head and drops his mouth to each of his nipples, rolling his tongue around them, “Oh, god, oh god. You’re doing - you’re doing so well, baby, making me feel so, so good,”

His mouth drifts lower and lower, and Connor responds to every touch with whatever garbled praise tumbles out of his mouth. Even if it doesn’t make sense, Kevin responds to it beautifully and Connor isn’t going to stop any time soon. 

“Can I try something?” Kevin asks, looking up at Connor. 

Connor mumbles something that he thinks will satisfy Kevin but is ever so slightly confused when nothing happens. 

“Con, please, just say - say yes. I don’t want to - I don’t want to do anything unless I hear you say it,” Kevin says quietly, “please,”

"Sorry, Kev,” Connor replies, propping himself up on his elbows and running his hands though Kevin’s hair, “Yes. Do what you want,” 

Kevin smiles and drops his head and Connor, expecting quite a magnificent blowjob coming his way, lies back on the bed and closes his eyes. Only, Kevin’s tongue doesn’t go to his dick, it goes a little bit lower and- 

_ “Ohhh, sweet Moroni in heaven,” _

Kevin’s tongue flicks against Connor’s hole and he squeaks.

_ Squeaks. _

“Sorry!” Kevin exclaims, jerking back, “Sorry! Do you not - do you not like it? Sorry, I just thought that it’d be something-”

“Please, don’t stop,” Connor gasps, “Kevin, please, _ please _,”

“Oh,” Kevin says, “I thought you didn’t like - well, OK,” and then every nerve in Connor’s body is on fire again, but in the best way and _ god, _Kevin not shaving might have been the best thing he’d ever done. Just the feel of the stubble on his thighs is enough to send him over the edge, never mind what his tongue is doing. 

“Ah, _ fuck, _ Kevin. Just like - Jesus Christ - keep on doing - _ fuck _,” 

Connor arches his back off the bed and bucks his hips towards Kevin who clamps his hands down onto Connor’s thighs to stop him from moving so much. 

“I love you so much,” Connor gasps, “I love you so fucking more, good _ lord _,” 

“You really have no regard for the third commandment when you’re turned on,” Kevin says, crawling back up the bed to face Connor. 

“And who’s fault is that?” Connor asks, pulling Kevin in for a kiss. 

Kevin soon pulls away and Connor actually pouts, causing Kevin to giggle. 

“Have you forgotten about our challenge?” Kevin whispers, nibbling at his earlobe, “because I really am more than happy to come for a second time tonight,” 

Connor really isn’t one to back away from a challenge, and _ really _dislikes losing them. And for once in his life, Kevin seems happy to lose a challenge as he comes with a yell, his legs wrapped around Connor’s body. 

“I think I’m going to get divorced more often if it leads to sex like that,” Kevin says, snuggling up to Connor.

Connor laughs and rolls over so they’re facing each other, their foreheads pressed together. 

“How do you feel?” he asks, “now that you’re not tied to her?”

Kevin smiles and caresses Connors cheek, “like I want to be tied to you, instead,” 

“Kev...”

“I’m not proposing,” he says hurriedly, “I’m really, _ really _not ready for that yet but one day...I want this forever, Con, me and you,” 

Connor blinks back tears and leans forward to kiss him. 

“Me and you forever,” he agrees, “just as long as you never shave the beard,”

“I can’t because _ someone _threw all my shaving cream out,”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Connor says lightly, “but seriously, you should never shave it off because when you were -” he breaks off into a scream halfway through his sentence and Kevin jumps. 

“What? What is it? Is it a spider? If it’s a spider you’re going to have to call Naba because I literally cannot-”

“Point 6!”

“I - what?” Kevin asks. 

“Point 6. I’ve done it! I’ve kept a plant alive for more than 2 weeks!” Connor exclaims, sitting up and pointing at the plant, “_ We _ kept a plant alive for more than 2 weeks!”

Kevin gasps, “Does this - does this mean we have a kid?” 

“We have a kid and we didn’t kill it!” Connor says, high fiving Kevin. 

“God, we’re gonna be great dads one day,” 

The next morning, he and Kevin take a selfie with their two week old child like all good parents do. When Kevin goes to work, Connor sits cross legged on the bed, scrolling through them all to find one that is suitable enough to upload to Instagram. He eventually settles on one where Connor is looking at Kevin whilst he’s giggling at a stupid joke Connor had said. 

It takes him a while, but he finally settles on a caption: “**Plant dads. #point6”**

He sits and goes through all the comments and is shocked to find that most of them are more interested in the fact that Connor hasn’t killed a plant than they are that he has a boyfriend. Though he can’t help but smile at the comments off Molly, Chris and Arnold. 

**Mol_Price: Look at you two!!!!! You both look so happy!!! I love it!!!!! **

**Chris_Church: looking after your mission children in africa prepared you for this moment **

**Arn.Cunningham: once the dad friend, always the dad friend **

**Arn.Cunningham: dont start looking after this plant more than me tho i need help **

Connor is in such a good mood that he doesn’t even let the inevitable writers block ruin his day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!!! 
> 
> I saw a picture of Andrew Rannells with a beard and decided that Kevin would have a beard because Connor would definitley find it hot ok??
> 
> Also don't @ me about that smut I know I need Jesus


	24. Careers Day

One of Connor’s worst habits is agreeing to things that Kevin wants him to do just because he bats his eyelashes at him a few times. Today, he is determined to not do this. He’s going to stand his ground. 

“Kevin, it’s a nice idea but, no,” 

Kevin pouts and rests his head on Connor’s shoulder who is doing his very best to not be distracted by him. He’s trying to write that blog post about his sister, but Kevin sitting on a chair next to him and kissing his cheek and neck is not helping. 

“Connor. Connor. Connor. Connor.” 

Somehow, he manages to block Kevin’s voice out and focuses on trying to remember exactly what Kelsey had said to him when he had come out to her. He couldn’t remember if she had told him that he would “burn in Hell” or “suffer through eternal damnation,”. It was sort of a shame that he couldn’t text her and ask. 

“I know you can hear me,” 

Connor then starts humming very loudly and Kevin sighs and moves his head from Connor’s shoulder, folding his arms and glaring. Still refusing to look at him, Connor carries on writing, deciding that saying that he couldn’t remember exactly how his sister had damned him to Hell would bring some levity to an otherwise depressing blog post. 

Really, Connor should have known that Kevin wouldn’t give up so easily and realises this when Kevin drags Connor and his chair away from the desk so that he can sit on his lap. Connor sighs and looks up at Kevin, who’s looking at him with his teacher face - lips pressed together and eyebrows raised. 

“Stop looking at me like that,” 

“You’re ignoring me,”

“I’m working!” Connor laughs, “imagine if I came to school and sat on your lap when you were trying to teach!”

Kevin rolls his eyes, “Please do it, baby. For me!”

“Kev, I’m flattered that you asked-

“So you’re going to say yes?”

Connor sighs and rests his head on his hands. Kevin is hosting a careers day for his two senior classes, and wants Connor to come in and do a talk on his job. Connor, however, really doesn’t want to come in a do a talk on his job. 

“I don’t even know what I’d talk about!” 

Kevin rolls his eyes again and gestures around the office, “You’d talk about  _ this.  _ What you do everyday!”

“Ah, so I’d say something like, I don’t know...’ _ When Mr Price doesn’t get enough attention off me because I’m working, he sits on my lap so I have to give him attentio _ n ’?” Connor asks lightly. 

Kevin gives him the teacher face again and Connor sighs. 

“I’ve only ever given like three talks in my entire life and they all went terribly,”

“I’ll be there to help,” Kevin promises, “if you start to panic, I’ll swoop in and save you,”

“Will it not be - will it not be... _ weird _ ?” Connor asks quietly, going slightly red. 

“Why would it be weird? Because we’re together?” Kevin asks. 

Connor nods. 

“No, because Miss Melroys fiance is coming in to talk about being a doctor,”

“I know, but...well, I don’t want to bring it up but - you know, do the kids...you used to be - it’s stupid but -”

“I used to be married to a woman but I’m gay and you’re my boyfriend?”

“Yeah. That.” 

Kevin smiles, “They don’t care. In fact, a lot of them follow you on Instagram and were _very_ interested to know why I made an appearance in the plant picture,”

Connor blushes, “Oh, god, Kev, I’m sorry! I didn’t - I didn’t think that any of your students would know! Oh, god, I’ll - I’ll delete the picture!” 

“No! Don’t!” Kevin says hurriedly, “I don’t mind. It’s fine. It sort of saved me having to come out to them. They don’t mind. I also think they think I’m a lot cooler than I was previously,” 

“You are many things, Kevin Price, but cool is not one of those things,” Connor says. 

Kevin leans down to kiss him, “So, will you come to school?”

Connor sighs and nods, “Yes. I’ll come to school,” 

So much for standing his ground. 

** \-----**

The moment that Connor steps foot in the school, however, he regrets his decision. The first person he sees is Mr Roberts secretary, Liam, and he feels his face heat up. The last time that they had seen each other was when Kevin had been punched by a student, and Connor didn’t think that he made the greatest first impression. 

“Hi, um, I’m here for Kevi -  _ Mr Price’s _ career day thing,” 

“I know. He hasn’t shut up about it all morning,” Liam sighs, “I’ll let him know you’re here. Unless you want to go to his class and find him?”

“Oh, no, I’ll just - I’ll wait,” 

Connor sits down and jigs his leg up and down, suddenly feeling quite anxious. This is a stupid idea. He probably should just go home. He’ll just text Kevin, apologise and then just suck him off when he gets home for good measure and then everything will be fine and-

“Hey, babe,” 

Connor jumps and turns to see Kevin, grinning at him. 

“Hi,” Connor says, somewhat breathlessly, “I’m panicking. I’m really panicking,” 

“You’ll be fine,” Kevin says, giving him and quick peck on the lips and taking his hand, “the kids will love you,” 

Connor knows that it's probably weird to be holding Kevin’s hand when they’re walking around school, but he isn’t prepared to let go quite yet because he thinks he’ll probably try to run away if he does. 

He looks around the corridor and grimaces, “You know, I don’t have any nice memories from being in school,”

“What, you’re telling me that a gay, ginger, relatively camp Mormon didn’t have a nice time in school?” Kevin says. 

“I am not camp!” Connor snaps. 

“I said  _ relatively  _ camp,” 

Connor pokes him in the side, “We couldn't all be as popular as you,”

Kevin turns to Connor and smiles, “What can I say? Everyone I meet loves me,” before Connor can point out that this is not true in the slightest, they come to a stop outside of a classroom, “Ready?”

“No. I’m obviously not ready. Teenagers are scary,” 

“These teenagers aren’t. They’re nice, I promise,” he kisses him and then open the door, “After you, dear,” 

“HA! I just saw you kiss him, Mr Price!” is the first thing that Connor hears when he walks in the classroom and if it weren’t for the fact that Kevin was blocking the doorway, Connor definitely would have bolted. 

“Oh, wow, you saw me kiss my  _ boyfriend _ ? What ever will I do? You can’t know that I, an adult man, kiss my boyfriend!” Kevin says, his voice dripping with sarcasm. He turns to Connor, “That’s Brandon. He’s loud,”

“I am!” Brandon says proudly. 

“Great,” Connor says quietly, awkwardly hovering by Kevin until he tells him to sit behind his desk. 

“Right,” Kevin says, clapping his hands together and perching himself on the edge of his desk and  _ god  _ his ass looks good in those trousers and- 

Nope, Connor thinks to himself, turn it off. Turn it off. Turn it off. 

“We’ve got three speakers in and two hours, because I convinced Mr Roberts to let you skip Math. So, first of all,  _ you’re welcome _ for getting you out of Math and second of all, you’re welcome for letting you spend a whole two hours for me!” Kevin says brightly, “We have Stacey who’s a lawyer, Matt who’s a doctor and Connor who’s-”

“-a gay ex-Mormon who has 11 things he wants to do?” someone shouts out. 

“Alternatively, you could just say he’s a blogger, but either works,” Kevin shrugs, “and I want you to actually listen to what they’re saying, OK? Because I want you asking questions and  _ actual  _ questions. No one cares what their favourite colour is. And you never know, you might find that you want to follow in their footsteps,” 

“We might want to become a gay ex-Mormon?” Brandon asks, “Can I ask him how I can become a gay ex-Mormon?”

“Alright, everyone but Brandon is allowed to ask Connor questions,” 

“What if I want to be a gay ex-Mormon!” 

“Brandon, dude, you have to be gay  _ and  _ Mormon to do that. You’re neither,” someone says to him, “you’re straight and Jewish,” 

Previously, Connor had thought that Kevin was most attractive when playing with Annabelle and Noah, but that was before he’d seen him at work. There’s just something strangely attractive about seeing him talk to his class and Connor decides that he’ll still suck him off when he gets -  _ no. Turn it off.  _

“What was that, Connor?” Kevin asks, turning to face him. 

“Huh? What?”

“You said something,” 

Connor blushes, not realising that he’d said turn it off out loud, “N-No, I didn’t,”

Kevin frowns, “I swear I heard you say something,”

“Nope. You’re hearing things,” 

“Right,” Kevin says, still frowning as he turns around again, “Anyway, I’ll let Stacey get on with it. And please, remember to  _ listen _ . This isn’t a free period, no matter how much you all wish it was,”

Connor would like to say that he’s definitely listening to what Stacey the Lawyer is saying, but Kevin is stood right in front of the desk and Connor is ever so slightly distracted by his butt. He makes the mistake of looking up at the class and locking eyes with Brandon, who raises his eyebrows at him as though to say, “ _ I know exactly what you’re looking at,”  _ but it really isn’t Connor’s fault because Kevin  _ knows  _ how much he likes seeing him in those trousers

Blushing, Connor picks up a pen and throws it at Kevin’s back who turns around to face him. 

“What?” he whispers, “not to sound too much like a teacher, but you're meant to be being quiet,”

Connor gestures for him to come closer and he leans towards him. 

“I’m not going to kiss you if that’s what you’re looking for,”

Connor rolls his eyes, “No. Just - stop standing in front of me”

“What?”

“Don’t stand in front of me,” 

“Why?”

“Don’t make me say it,” Connor whispers desperately, “you’re wearing  _ those  _ trousers,” 

Kevin looks down at his legs as though he has no idea what he’s wearing. He looks back up at Connor and grins sheepishly. 

“You’ll never believe me, but I didn’t mean to put these on,” he says, pulling up a chair and sitting besides him, but not before leaning closer to Connor’s ear to whisper, “don’t worry, you can take them off later,”

“Kevin!” he hisses, poking him in the side, “you’re in  _ work _ ,”

“Chill out, they can’t hear. They probably aren’t even listening to Stacey,” 

Connor tuts and tries to listen to Stacey the Lawyer, but he’s slightly distracted by how many people are in the class. He really, really doesn’t like talking in front of large groups of people and he probably should have thought this entire thing through more. He looks at Kevin out of the corner of his eye and tries to work out the best way to convey all of this to him without making it so obvious.    
  
But before Connor can do all this, Stacey finishes speaking and Kevin jumps up.    
  
“Thank-you so much for that, Stacey! That was really interesting!” he says brightly, “now, we’ll hear from Matt, who’s a doctor!”    
  
A hand goes in the air straight away and Connor is sure that Kevin cringes slightly.    
  
“What is it, Daisy?”   
  
“Can I ask about healthcare?”    
  
“I mean, he’s a doctor. So yes,”    
  
“No, no, I didn’t mean that, sir. I meant politically. Is he for free healthcare or-“   
  
“If he wants to answer those sorts of questions then yes,” Kevin says quickly, “if not then, no,”   
  
He sits back down with a sigh and leans over to Connor, “she’s become very political over the past few years. Try not to mention socialism.”    
  
“Kevin where on earth do you think I’m going to fit socialism into a talk about my blog?”    
  
“She’s manages to fit socialism into everything,” Kevin says with a shrug, “literally ever - are you OK?”    
  
“Panicking,” Connor mutters, “I hate speaking in front of loads of people,”    
  
“It’s alright, you’ll be alright,” Kevin says quietly, running his hand up and down Connors back, “remember when you used to speak in front of all those people in Uganda? You’d deliver sermons to the whole village!”    
  
“I - I know but that was a long time ago,” Connor whispers, fighting the urge to rest his head on Kevin’s shoulder.    
  
“Hey, when it’s your turn, I’ll go and stand at the back so you can see me, OK? I’ll help you. You’ll be fine, Connor. You’re good at public speaking. You always have been,”    
  
Connor nods, but he still isn’t convinced.    
  
“_Elder_ McKinley was good at public speaking,”    
  
“And so is _Connor_ McKinley,” Kevin says firmly, “you’ll be fine. I promise.”   
  
Matt finishes speaking all too soon and Kevin stands up again, thanking Matt for his time. Connor slumps down in the chair slightly and his eyes dart around the room, looking for a way to escape. His eyes linger on the window for a moment and he finds himself wishing that he was as small as Chris. That way, he’d be able to fit through the window and get away.    
  
“Next up is Connor and before he starts I just want to remind you all that I am his boyfriend, so please remember that if you ask questions about his personal life, then you’re going to be asking questions about my personal life. So nothing intrusive, ok?” Kevin says sternly, “don’t ask him anything you wouldn’t ask your parents,”    
  
Connor is suddenly gripped with the fear that someone is going to ask him if he’s a top or a bottom, and that really isn’t the sort of the conversation he wants to be having.    
  
“Take it away, Con,” Kevin says with a wink and walking to the back of the class and leaning against the wall.    
  
“Um. Right. Hi. I’m - I’m Connor but you - well, you know that because Kev - Mr Price already said so, uh-“   
  
He looks over at Kevin who’s smiling slightly as he mouths, “ _ calm down _ ,”   
  
“So, I started the blog when...well, I used to be Mormon but when I was on my mission everything sort of, well...it sort of...” he trails off, unable to find the right words.    
  
“Imploded?” Kevin suggests.    
  
“Yes!” Connor says, “yes. It...imploded and so did, well, so did my faith and even though we technically weren’t meant to, we stayed on our mission and completed the two years that we were originally meant to. But on my last day I decided to write a list of the 11 things that I was going to do and, um, hang on, I’ll show you the list,”   
  
He presses the button of the clicker that Kevin gave him and the board behind him changes to show the list (Connor pretends to not be over-excited about the fact that the clicker has a laser pointer, but he already text Arnold about it who asked if he could somehow sneak it home).    
  
“I came up with 11 things, and I’ve been working through them the last 10 years. In the first year, I got four done - move away from Utah, move into a new place, decorate the place how I want to and go to a new city on my own, but then everything else has sort of come very, very slowly,”    
  
“How many have you done?” a student asks.    
  
Connor turns around to face the list and frowns. Technically, he achieved point 9 - travel to a city with someone he loves - with Steve, but he doesn’t know if that counts anymore.   
  
“Um, I guess...I guess seven? Well, actually, point 9 might be redundant now so I’ll say, yeah, I’ll say 6. I need to do a re-do of point 9,” he adds, glancing over at Kevin who nods in agreement.    
  
“Which ones have you done?”    
  
“The four I said before...keeping a plant alive and, um, number 8,” he feels his face heat up.    
  
“Aw, that means he’s in  _ love _ !” someone exclaims.    
  
Some people let out a chorus of, “ _ aww _ ,” some snigger and then Brandon takes it upon himself to yell, “Get it, Mr Price!”    
  
“Alright, alright, thanks for that Brandon,” Kevin says, his cheeks slightly red, “eyes front,”

“Are you going to get a dog?” Daisy asks. 

Connor sighs, “I would love a dog, but  _ someone  _ can’t decide what dog he wants. _I_ want a sausage dog,”

“Sausage dogs are too small!” Kevin protests, “If we had a sausage dog, we’d squash it!”

“We can’t get a massive dog though!” Connor says, forgetting where he is for a moment, “big dogs needs loads of outside space to run around and we don’t have outside space! Hence why we need a little dog, like a sausage dog,”

Kevin rolls his eyes, “We would squash the sausage dog,”

“Have you ever seen a sausage dog in real life, love? They’re not actually that small,” 

“Aw, they have pet names for each other!” someone whispers and then Connor remembers where he is. 

“Anyway, moving on...” Kevin says pointedly, a smile tugging on his lips, “does anyone have anything they want to ask so far?”

A girl in the front row puts her hand up. 

“Say someone wanted to start a blog, where should they look for inspiration on what it should be about?”

“Oh,” Connor says, shocked that someone had asked an actual question, “Oh. Well...um, my inspiration came from years of repressed trauma so if you have any of that...”

“Aw, man, I have loads of that!” someone says gleefully, “maybe I should start a blog!”

“But, um, seriously you should...I don’t know, just write what you would want to read,” Connor says, “When I was a gay kid growing up in a Mormon house, I think I could have done with reading a blog written by someone who had been through what I was going through. Who knows, you might write the exact words that someone needs to hear,”   
  
At the back of the room, Kevin is smiling and Connor feels himself calm down, so he ploughs on ahead.

“I’ll um - I’ll show you a draft of whatever it is I’m working on right now. I can’t actually remember what I’m writing, actually,” he says with a frown.    
  
He clicks on the document and regrets it almost immediately. It’s the one about his sister. An awkward silence settles over the room and he really wishes that he hadn’t named it “ _ Kelsey McKinley is the worst sister to ever sister and here’s why _ ,” He probably should have thought a bit more about the title.    
  
“Um...yeah, I didn’t - I forgot I was writing this,” Connor says awkwardly.    
  
“Uh, Con? That first paragraph is just the F-word written over and over again,” Kevin says.    
  
“Oh, no!” Connor exclaims, diving back over to his laptop and quickly clicking off it, “Sorry. I’ve been hit with a really bad case of writer's block and the f-word sort of represents how I feel. Sorry. Any, uh, any questions?”   
  
“Are you actually going to upload that?”   
  
“When I’ve replaced the F-word with different words, yes,”   
  
“Won’t it bother your sister?”   
  
“Well, she’s not - she’s not the greatest sister. I’m sure she won’t mind. I doubt she even reads my blog. I haven’t seen her in over a decade,”   
  
“Why?”    
  
Connor opens his mouth and then closes it again. He hates talking about his sister. He’s barely even spoken to Kevin about her, so how can he speak about her in front of a load of 17 year olds? He feels his palms get clammy and his mouth go dry.    
  
“Oh, um, you know. It’s just - well, I, um -“   
  
“Just read the blog post when it goes up,” Kevin interjects, casting a wary look at Connor, “anyone have any other questions?”   
  
“Yeah, when are you and Mr Price going to get married?”    
  
“Any questions about the blog,”    
  
“When are you going to write a blog post about you and Mr Price getting married?”   
  
Kevin sighs.    
  
“Anyone have any questions that don’t have anything to do with marriage?”

No one puts their hand up and Kevin sighs again. 

“ _ Seriously? _ ”   


Connors glad no one has any questions because his heart is beating out of control and he feels as though the room might be spinning. He staggers backwards slightly and leans against the desk, gripping onto it as tightly as he can and staring at his shoes. He can hear his sister shouting at him again after he’d come out to her, and the feeling of those rough hands on him in therapy.    
  
This talk had been a bad idea. Writing about his sister had been a bad idea. Hell, Connor felt as though the blog itself was a bad idea. He probably should have just never written it in the first and gone to get a normal job. He can still go and get a normal job. Coffee shops are always hiring and-    
  
The sound of the bell ringing brings Connor back to Earth. He looks to the back of the classroom and realises that Kevin isn’t there. He panics and looks around, only to find him talking to Stacey and Matt as the classroom slowly empties. Some students thank him on the way out, but Connor is struggling to pay attention to them.    
  
“I’m sorry, Connor,”    
  
He looks up and realises that Kevin is in front of him in the (thankfully) empty classroom. Connor just shakes his head and moves towards Kevin, burying his face in his chest.    
  
“I didn’t realise that they’d ask so many questions about - about Kelsey,” he says quietly, putting his arms around him and kissing the top of his head, “I know you don’t like talking about her. Are you OK?”   
  
“Fine.” Connor replies, “it’s not your fault. I should have checked to see what I was writing before hand,” he looks up at Kevin and smiles, “you’re really hot when you teach, you know,”    
  
Kevin laughs, “so you find it hot when I play with kids and teach? Slightly weird kinks, Con,”   
  
“I think I just find you hot,” Connor says thoughtfully.    
  
“I’ll see you at home, yeah?”    
  
“Don’t be late,” Connor says, pinching his bum and causing him to squeal, “those trousers _really_ do need coming off,”    
  
It takes him a long, long time, but Connor eventually manages to write the blog post about his sister. Kevin walks through the front door just as Connor slumps over the kitchen table and groans loudly.    
  
“Babe? You OK?”    
  
Connor looks up at Kevin, tears stinging his eyes.    
  
“Fine.”    
  
“You’re about to start crying,”    
  
“I just finished the blog post about Kelsey,”    
  
Kevin sighs and sits beside him, picking up his hand and running his thumb over his knuckles.    
  
“Want to talk about it?”    
  
“No. Can you just - can you just read it? Make sure it makes sense?”   
  
“I’ll edit it for you,” Kevin says, pulling the laptop towards him.    
  
“You don’t have to-“ but Kevin shuts him up by kissing him.    
  
“You’ve had a long day, Con. Go and get in bed,”   
  
“Are you sure?”   
  
Kevin simply nods his head and turns his attention back to the laptop screen.    
  
“I love you,” Connor says, kissing him on the cheek.    
  
“And I love you, even though your grammar in this first paragraph is  _ appalling _ ,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: I once almost accidentally joined the army on careers day in school because I got separated from my friends and I didn't know where I was meant to be going and an army man started speaking to me about the army and I felt too awkward to be like uhhhh no thank you.
> 
> (also, tag yourself. I'm "she manages to fit socialism into everything")  
(it's a talent)
> 
> Anyway, thanks for reading!!! Comments/kudos are always appreciated!! <3


	25. The New York Fucking Times

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!Trigger Warning!!
> 
> -Homophobia  
-Child abuse 
> 
> (Sorry)

It is the first day of the Christmas holidays and Kevin Price does not want to wake up. 

Which is fine, Connor thinks, because he works hard and never sleeps past 6:00 AM. But it’s now 9:00 AM and Connor likes to start writing at 9:30, something he isn’t going to be able to unless Kevin lets go of him.

Even though Kevin is holding him really tight, Connor somehow manages to turn around to face him, smiling at the sight of Kevin Price’s sleeping face; mouth slightly open and hair flopping over his forehead. 

“Kevin,” he says quietly, kissing the tip of his nose, “I need to get up,”

His eyes flutter open for a moment and then close again as he shakes his head and hooks his leg over Connor. 

“No,”

“No, love, I really do,”

“No, you don’t,” Kevin replies sleepily, “I checked your to-do list,”

Connor laughs, “Did you really? What did it say?”

“Said you have to cuddle me all day,” 

“I highly doubt it said that,” 

“It does,” Kevin murmurs, kissing Connor’s forehead, “you work too much. Sleep,”

And as much as Connor would like to go back to sleep, his to-do list really is quite long and they’re going out today. Eventually, he wriggles out of Kevin’s grip. He mutters angrily under his breath for a few seconds before the muttering is replaced by loud snores. Sniggering, Connor (purposely) pulls one of Kevin’s shirts over his head and (accidentally) pulls on a pair of Kevin’s jogging bottoms. Something he doesn’t realise until he trips over and almost falls head first into the oven because _J__esus _Kevin is tall. 

He flicks the coffee machine on and, unsurprisingly, Kevin makes an appearance. The only thing that is ever guaranteed to get Kevin out of bed is the sound of the coffee machine bubbling away. 

“Morning, Kev,” Connor says, standing on his tiptoes to kiss him on the cheek. 

“‘s that my shirt?” Kevin mumbles, leaning against the counter and yawning. He looks at Connor’s legs, “hey, they’re mine, too,” 

“What’s mine is yours and all that,” Connor shrugs. 

“It’s cute,” Kevin says. He kisses him and then drops his head onto his shoulder, “I’m tired,” 

“The coffee will be ready in a minute,” Connor tells him, nudging him in the side, “Come on, Kev, you need to wake up. We’re meeting Chris and James later, remember? We’re going to that cute cafe that just opened in Greenwich village,” 

Kevin mutters something under his breath and Connor bites back a giggle. He knows that there’s no point in trying to have a conversation with Kevin before he’s drank coffee, but there is something hilarious about talking to a half-asleep Kevin Price - even if he’ll have to repeat their plans to him at some point. 

“I’ll be in my office,” Connor says after he’s poured coffee and cereal for the two of them, “see you in a bit,” 

“Where you going?” 

“My office,” 

“OK,” Kevin yawns, “hey, are we doing anything today?”

Connor laughs, “Yes. We’re meeting Chris and James,”

Kevin frowns. 

“Have we already had this conversation?”

“Yeah,” 

“Oh.” he says, and then Connor is quite sure that he’s fallen asleep standing up so he puts the mug of coffee directly under him in the hope that the smell will wake him up. 

The first thing that Connor does when he opens his laptop is check his emails. His eyes linger on the most recent one: 

**Comment on ‘Kelsey McKinley is the Worst Sister to Ever Sister’ from H.Smith**

Connor hovers his mouse over it for a few moments before deciding against it and instead replying to an email from some brand instead. Half the time, Connor forgets that the post about his sister actually got published. After Kevin had edited it for him, Connor had uploaded it without looking over it and still hasn’t read any of the comments.

He feels better knowing that it’s out there, but is more than happy to not have to worry about it anymore. 

Once his emails are answered, Connor glances over his to-do list. The task at the very bottom of the list makes him roll his eyes. 

_ “Cuddle Kevin (Please!!!!!)_

Connor draws a star next to it to remind himself that it’s of high importance. 

**\---------**

Later, when Kevin is finally back in the land of the living and Connor is wearing his own clothes, they sit in the cafe with Chris and James. Technically, Connor isn’t meant to be working, but it isn’t his fault that almost every single place in New York is very easy to blog about so it isn’t really his fault that he’s taking pictures. 

“If you take a picture of me when I’m eating, I’m gonna kill you, McKinley,” Chris mutters, shovelling his face with food. 

“Quite frankly, Chris, you aren’t very blogable,” 

“Hey!” Chris exclaims, clearly quite offended, “Yes I am! At least I’m not ginger!”

Connor laughs and retaliates by taking a picture of him when he’s eating. 

“For the love of god, _ behave _,” James groans, “You’re like children,” 

“He said I wasn’t blogable!”

“There’s nothing wrong with being ginger!”

Days like this are Connor’s favourite; Kevin isn’t stressed about work, Chris isn’t complaining about that one person in his office and James is talking about how much he loves his new job at some fancy social media start up. The only thing that’s missing is Arnold and Naba, but they’re back in Uganda for the month and are happily supplying them with updates. 

“Naba says that Mafala is looking well,” Kevin says, looking down at his phone. 

“Oh, thank god for that,” James says, “he didn’t look great at the wedding, did he?”

“I don’t think that flight will have helped,” Chris says reasonably, “it was nice of him to fly over though, wasn’t it?”

“He’d do anything for Naba though wouldn’t he?” Connor replies, taking a sip of his drink, “I mean, who wouldn’t?”

Chris nods, “Like that time I moved a spider for her,”

James rolls his eyes, “You didn’t move it for her. You saw it crawling on the wall and threw a pillow at it. She wasn’t even scared. _ You _were scared,”

“That is not what happened,”

“You know, I actually think I have a video of-”

“No one needs to see it, Jamie,” 

“I think I need to see it,” Kevin says. 

Connor is distracted by their bickering by the sound of his phone ringing. He frowns when he looks down at it and realises that it’s his manager, who he barely hears from. The only reason he has a manager is because he felt like he needed to. Usually, he just leaves Connor to his own devices. 

“Hello?”

“Hey, Connor!” Michael says brightly, though Connor thinks that it sounds forced, “Where are you?”

“Just getting some lunch. Is everything OK?”

“Uh...well, no. Not really,” 

“No?” Connor repeats, “what do you - what do you mean _ no _?”

“You know that post you put up about your sister?” 

“Yeah...”

“Well, she saw it. And she’s not happy about it,” 

“She - _ what_?”

“Yeah. She’s quite pissed off...she’s, um - do you read the New York Times?”

“Not really, no,” 

“Ah. Well...she’s a writer. Sort of. ”

“For the _ New York fucking Times?_” Connor exclaims, much louder than he wanted to. 

Kevin turns to look at him, frowning. Connor waves him down and puts his head in his hands. 

“No, no. She writes for some weird, possibly racist right-wing news organisation but she posted an article in response to your blog post, and then the New York Times picked it up. God knows why, though,” Michael adds, and Connor can hear the frown in his voice, “It’s coming out tomorrow so just...watch out. I’m sure it’ll be fine. It’ll blow over eventually. These things always do.”

“Alright, well...thanks for letting me know, Michael,”

“No worries, Connor. See you soon,” 

Connor wants to say that they probably won’t be seeing each other soon, but decides against it, dropping his phone back onto the table. Kevin, Chris and James are all looking at him like he’s gone mad. 

“What’s going on?” James asks. 

“Kelsey read the blog post,” he says miserably, “and, for some reason, the New York fucking Times feels the need to publish her response to it,” 

“She’s a writer for the _ New York Times_?” Kevin asks with a gasp. 

“No, no. She’s - well, she apparently writes for some weird right-wing news site,” Connor sighs, “so...you know, I’m sure she’s just as lovely as I remember her to be,” 

The news that Connor’s sister has taken it upon herself to bitch about him in a national newspaper sort of puts a downer on the day, and Connor would like nothing more than to go home and hide. Thankfully, he’s surrounded by very understanding people. Though he thinks that the look that James gives him when they say goodbye is a bit too sympathetic and Chris hugs him for a moment longer than he usually would.  
  
He and Kevin walk home in silence, because Connor doesn’t trust himself to open his mouth without bursting into tears. Although he isn’t sure what exactly it is he’s going to cry about. He doesn’t know if it’s out of embarrassment about the fact that he’s going to be in the New York Times, the fact that his sister has read his blog or the fact that she probably hates him (not that this is new information to Connor, he’s just always wished that she might have changed her mind).  
  
The moment Kevin shuts the front door behind them, Connor can’t hold it in anymore. He feels his throat constrict and heat prickle across his face as boiling hot tears slip down his cheeks.  
  
“I’m sorry,” Connor blubbers, turning away from Kevin and putting his face in his hands, “I’m sorry. I don’t want to - I’ll stop crying in a minute. I’m sorry. I’m being stupid. I’ll just be in my office and-“  
  
“Hey, Con, stop it,” Kevin says gently, grabbing his hand and pulling him towards him, “C’mere. It’s okay. You’re allowed to cry, come on, love,” he leads him into the living room and sits them both down on the couch.  
  
Connor grips onto Kevin’s shirt and sobs into it, curling up into a tiny ball. Kevin nuzzles his nose into Connor’s hair and holds him tighter, running his hands up and down his back.  
  
“I haven’t seen her for years! _Years_. Why can’t she just leave me alone?” he cries, “she said she didn’t want to have anything to do with me!”  
  
“I know, I know,” Kevin soothes, kissing the top of his head, “it isn’t fair. Do you want to - do you want to maybe try and find the original article? You know, be one step ahead of the game?”  
  
Connor pulls away from Kevin and wipes his eyes. He hates crying in front of people, even Kevin. It makes him feel stupid and weak. And he half expects someone to hit him like they used to when he cried in therapy.  
  
“I don’t - I don’t know,” Connor says in a shaky voice, casting his eyes to the floor, “do you think I should?”  
  
Kevin smiles at him, albeit a little sadly, and brushes the tears from Connors eyes.  
  
“It’s up to you,”  
  
It takes Connor two hours to pluck up the courage to google his sisters name. For years, he’s avoided it. Terrified of what he might find. And now that he knows what he might find, he doesn’t feel so stupid for being terrified of it in the first place.  
  
“You look. Please,” Connor says quickly, shoving his laptop towards Kevin after he presses enter, “I can’t,”  
  
Kevin puts the laptop on his lap and scrolls through it, a tiny crease between his eyebrows. At first, Connor thinks that maybe he hasn’t found anything and that Michael had got it all wrong, but then Kevin swears quietly under his breath.  
  
“What? What is it?”  
  
Kevin turns the laptop around to Connor wordlessly.  
  
“**Kelsey Woods: My Queer Brother Abandoned Our Family, Even After We Tried to Fix Him - And Now Blames Me** ,”  
  
Tears prickle behind Connor’s eyes again as he reads the title over and over again.

"Oh, my god she...she must have gotten married," Connor whispers, "Jesus Christ."

Kevin sighs and kisses him on the temple, "I'm sorry. This is awful,"

Connor doesn't reply straight away, he just stares at the title. His sister had gotten married and he didn't even know about it. He had a brother in law he didn't know. His heart stops in his chest when he realises that he might even have nieces and nephews. Nieces and nephews who probably don’t know he _exists. _His mind wanders to Annabelle and Noah and his heart breaks a little bit thinking about all the play dates that'll probably never happen. 

“Bathroom,” Connor gasps, “I need - bathroom. I think I’m - I’m gonna be sick. Oh, god-“  
  
He flees the room and drops to his knees in front of the toilet as bile rises up his throat. Kevin must have followed him because he is beside him, sitting cross legged on the floor and stroking his hair, placing soft kisses to the back of his neck.  
  
“Water,” Connor croaks, “can you - can you get me water?”  
  
Kevin returns moments later with a large glass of water and places it on the floor next to Connor. After a few more minutes, Connor feels it safe to take his head out of the toilet and leans back against the wall, his entire body shaking. He runs a hand through his sopping hair and looks over at Kevin, who’s sat on the edge of the bath.  
  
“Don’t apologise,” Kevin says, before Connor can even open his mouth, “You don't have anything to be sorry for.”  
  
Connor nods and just drinks his water. Feeling more and more stupid. He doesn’t say any of this out loud to Kevin.  
  
“There’s a part of me that still loves her,” Connor admits, his voice hoarse, “_how_ can I still love her? How can I still love someone who’s written that shit about me?”  
  
“Because you’re Connor McKinley and you love everyone,” Kevin says matter-of-factly. He moves from the edge of the bath to sit next to Connor again, “and, I think you love the Kelsey who loved you before you came out. I don't think you love this Kelsey."  
  
“Yeah...” Connor mutters, “Yeah. She was the first best friend I ever had. And then she - and then she told my parents I was gay! Thus began the trust issues and the never coming out to anyone.” he groans, “I’m sorry for being such a mess,”  
  
“You’re not a mess,”  
  
“I’m sweaty and there’s puke on my t-shirt,”  
  
Kevin shrugs, “You’re still hot.”  
  
“Ew. Kevin.”  
  
Kevin laughs and stands up, “I’ll run you a bath,”  
  
“I still want to - I still want to read the article.”  
  
“I don’t know if that’s a good idea, Con,”  
  
“I have the right to know,”  
  
“Okay. We’ll read it,” Kevin says.  
  
After Connor has gotten out of the bath, brushed his teeth and probably had more mints than is healthy, they curl up together in bed. Connor rests his head on Kevin’s chest and tangles their legs together whilst Kevin scrolls through his phone, trying to find the article again, his free arm laying around Connor’s shoulder.  
  
With the website she writes for being so obscure, it’s hard to find it.  
  
“Got it!” Kevin exclaims before his voice softens, “you sure you want me to read it?”  
  
“Positive,” Connor replies, closing his eyes and bracing himself for the worst.  
  
“Alright, uh...” Kevin clears his throat, “ _ ‘When I was 5 and people asked me what my worst fear was, I’d say spiders. When I was 10, it was still spiders. When I was 12, it was the fear that I would lose my baby brother, because something wasn’t quite right with him. He was nothing like the other boys his age. And he spent far too much time with one boy in particular. I decided I wouldn’t let this bother me. Perhaps he was just shy and didn’t know how to make friends. So I let it pass. Something I grew to regret _ ,”  
  
Connor’s breath hitches in his throat as he hears Kevin read this. He opens his eyes and looks up at his boyfriend.  
  
“Are you sure you want me to-“  
  
“Please, Kev.” Connor says quietly, “I want to know.”  
  
Kevin clears his throat again.  
  
“ _ I’ll never forget the day my worst fear came true. I was 18, he was 17. We were sitting in the garden, and I could tell that there was something wrong. Because there was always something wrong. So I asked. And he said the words I’d spent so much of my childhood praying he wouldn’t. _  
  
_ “I’m gay,” _  
  
_ It was like someone had hit me in the face. I think I would have preferred it if someone hit me in the face. I remember sitting and staring at him, my heart in my mouth. How on earth could this be? How on earth could my sweet baby brother be a perverted queer? _  
  
_ I tried to tell him that he wasn’t, that it was just a phase but he started crying. This is who I am, he said, I didn’t choose this. I was born this way. Heavenly Father made me this way _ ,”  
  
Kevin stops reading and Connor can feel himself shaking.  
  
“Carry on,” his voice is surprisingly calm.  
  
“ _ ‘So I did what anyone would do and told my parents. I remember sitting outside of his bedroom and listening to the argument that he was having with our parents. And I remember hearing my dad hit him for the first time _ -“ Kevin’s voice breaks.  
  
“Connor...” he says quietly, “your dad...your dad _ hit _ you?”  
  
“It didn’t happen often,” Connor says, “I think - it was only two or three times.”  
  
“That doesn’t make it right!” Kevin exclaims, dropping his phone to the bed and putting both arms around him, “how come you never told me?”  
  
“I didn’t want to scare you,” Connor whispers, “in Uganda when you used to ask how I came out - I never wanted to tell you the truth. I didn’t want you to be scared like I was,”  
  
“Oh, Con,” Kevin sighs, kissing his forehead, “You could have told me. You can tell me anything.”  
  
“You were so scared, Kev. I didn’t want to make it hard for you.” Connor says, “and then after Lucy...” he trails off and buries his face in Kevin’s chest, “‘m sorry,”  
  
“Don’t be,” Kevin replies, his voice shaky, “Are you sure you want me to carry-“  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“ _ ‘And I remember hearing my dad hit him for the first time. I ran into my bedroom, terrified. Thinking that I had done something wrong, but then my mom came into my bedroom and told me that I hadn’t done wrong. That it was for the best. Because we were going to fix Connor and soon, I would get my brother back and this would seem very far away. _  
  
_ And it worked, I think. He went away for therapy, and when he came back, he was Connor again. And then he went on his mission, and he was district leader, no less! It was as though he had never said those two words to me, and I couldn’t have been prouder. _  
  
_ It was only when we got a letter, about three months into his mission, to tell us that the district had been shut down. We were shocked. How on earth could Connor mess up so badly? It was so unlike him! _  
  
_ And then came the fateful phone call around six months later. The first time we had heard off him since the district got shut down! _ ”  
  
Connor starts to cry again. He remembers this phone call as though it was yesterday. Kevin’s arm tightens around him, and Connor knows he remembers it too. They were sat side by side when it happened.  
  
“Do you want me to read this bit?” Kevin asks, “it isn’t - it isn’t nice,”  
  
“And the rest of it has been?” Connor retorts.   
  
“Good point.”  
  
“‘_It was on this phone call that he told us that he was staying in Uganda for the rest of his mission, because he had found a home there. He had even found a boyfriend - more on this later, though. My father tried to convince him to come, but he flat out refused. When the phone call ended, dad turned to my mom and I, and said the words we’d all been hoping to avoid. _  
  
_ “He’s no longer part of this family,” _  
  
_ I was upset but I was also relieved. Relieved that I no longer had to worry about him and his perversions. I no longer had a brother, and I was OK with that. I’m still ok with that. _  
  
_ We rarely talk about him. If ever we do, we act as though he is dead. And he is, in a way _ ,”  
  
Kevin’s voice breaks again but Connor nudges him, a silent request to carry on reading.  
  
“ _ ‘And to tell you the truth, I haven’t thought about him in a long time. Not until I googled him one night. I know I shouldn’t have done, but can you blame me for being curious? _  
  
_ And I found a blog, written by my dear brother, titled ‘The 11 Things That This Gay Ex-Mormon Will Achieve,’ so I read through the posts, each one more disgusting than the last. But the worst? _  
  
_ “Kelsey McKinley is the Worst Sister to Ever Sister” . _  
  
_ A post in which he blames my family for ‘f*cking him up’. He writes about how I damned him to Hell and am the reason he has so many trust issues. (This is a man who cheated on one of his partners, by the way). _ ”  
  
“Oh god, she read _ everything_.” Connor groans.  
  
There’s silence for a while as Kevin reads ahead and then he gasps.  
  
“I’m mentioned. And so is...so is Lucy,”  
  
Connor sits bolt upright, “What?”  
  
“‘_His boyfriend is a point of interest for me. Especially considering he was once upon a time (a not so long ago time) married to a woman: Lucy Fraiser who was kind enough to tell me exactly what went wrong. _  
  
_ Kevin, her ex-husband, had an affair with Connor. An affair that caused the breakdown of their marriage. Lucy said that she knew about Kevin’s troublesome past with unclean thoughts, but was still prepared to marry him. _  
  
_ “As far as I’m aware, Connor corrupted him,” Lucy said, “he manipulated Kevin, because that’s what those gays do _ ,”  
  
Connor jumps off the bed and staggers away from it. Kevin stops reading and looks up at him, wiping tears from his own eyes.  
  
“I’m sorry,” Connor says, tears streaming down his face, “I _ruined_ you Kevin, my gosh! I’m so sorry. Everything that’s happened, it's all my fault.”  
  
“What?” Kevin asks, “Con, what are you talking about?”  
  
“I corrupted you!” He exclaims. 

And it’s true.  
  
It was Connor who made the first move. It was Connor who initiated sex for the first time. It was Connor who said I love you first. It was Connor who suggested they move in together when they were coming to the end of their mission.  
  
“Connor, no you didn’t,”  
  
“Yes, I did!” Connor shouts, “on your first day in Uganda you told me that you weren’t having gay thoughts! And yet I still - I still liked you and I _flirted _with you! God, I must be the most manipulative-“  
  
“Shut up.” Kevin snaps, and he looks angry. And Connor can understand why. He ruined his life, after all. “For the love of - I _ lied _ . Of course I was having gay thoughts! I just wasn’t going to admit it in front of half the mission! I even defended being gay to you like three minutes earlier in that conversation!”  
  
Connor’s back hits the wall and he slowly slides down it, drawing his knees up to his chest. He doesn’t know what to believe anymore. He doesn’t know whats real and what isn't. And he can hear is the rush of air as his dad brings his palm down to smack him in the face.   
  
“Connor,” Kevin says, and his voice is soft again, “Connor. Look at me,”  
  
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I ruined your life. I’m so sorry. You didn’t deserve this. You deserve the world, Kevin. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry. You can just leave, if you want. I’m not going to make you stay.”  
  
“Look at me,” Kevin repeats, and Connor does.  
  
Kevin is knelt down in front of him, and he reaches out a tentative hand and cups Connor’s cheek. Connor wonders if this is the last time he’ll ever touch him.  
  
“I love you,” he says, “I love you so fucking much. I don’t actually think you understand how much I love you. You are my favourite person in the whole world. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me. You’ve not ruined my life. You’ve made it better. You pulled me out of the deepest, darkest time of my life. God, if you hadn't come and got me from that house, I wouldn’t be here right now. You didn’t _ corrupt _ me, Connor. You made me realise that there’s nothing wrong with who I am. You make me so happy. So, _ so _ happy. I’ve never loved anyone more, and I never will. I love you more than anything,”  
  
Connor shakes his head, “No. I must be the most manipulative-“  
  
“There are many words to describe you, Connor. But manipulative isn’t one of them,” Kevin says, “try...loving. Generous. Funny. Intelligent. Talented. Handsome. Beautiful. Caring. Did I say that you’re attractive? Because you’re really, really attractive. I can also see that you’re starting to smile. And I love your smile so much. Go on, smile. _ Smiiiile _ ,”  
  
Connor shakes his head, trying to fight the smile but then Kevin leans towards him and kisses his forehead, still whispering in his ear how much he loves him.  
  
Soon, the sounds of his dad hitting him dies away, and all Connor can hear is Kevin. Kevin, who is still with him. Kevin, who is holding him. Kevin, who hasn't run away. Kevin, who loves him, and who he loves back.   
  
“I love you, Connor. I really, really love you. So much. More than anything. I love you more than Shakespeare, and I’d totally fuck him if I was given the chance,”  
  
“Kev!” Connor exclaims.  
  
“Sorry,” he mutters, kissing his neck.  
  
“Have I ever showed you that musical about Shakespeare? Something Rotten? Because you’d definitely want to fuck _ that _ Shakespeare,”  
  
“Wait, there’s a musical about Shakespeare and you’ve never showed me?” Kevin asks, pulling away from him, “Jeez, Con. I’m an _ English _ teacher, for Christ’s sake!”  
  
“There’s a bootleg, I’m sure,” Connor says, “but, Kevin, seriously...you don’t feel like I’ve - like I’ve forced you into this, do you?”  
  
Kevin sighs, “Connor, I’m gay. I’m very gay and very in love with you,”  
  
“I know, but I made all the first moves-“  
  
“-because I was terrible at flirting when I was 19,” Kevin interjects, “And I’ll remind you that_ I_ was the one who kissed you outside of the bar on your birthday. It was _me _who stared the affair._ I_ was the one who used to text you all the time to have said affair,”  
  
“I’m sorry for freaking out,” Connor says.  
  
“Don’t apologise,” Kevin says firmly.  
  
“I’ve ruined your first day off work,” Connor says miserably.  
  
“No, you didn’t.” Kevin says, standing up and taking Connor with him, “this isn’t your fault. It’s Kelsey.” He kisses him softly, “let’s just forget about her, okay? We can forget about her and we can forget about Lucy. They don’t matter. They aren’t important. Me and you forever, remember?”  
  
Connor nods, “me and you forever,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a bitch to write and I had to keep on taking laps in the Starbucks that I was writing it in, but it's OK because everyone who works there thinks I'm weird anyway 
> 
> (which I am)
> 
> Thank-you for reading!! 
> 
> <3


	26. Dread

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!Trigger Warning!!
> 
> -Homophobia  
-Child abuse 
> 
> (Once again, I'm sorry).

In those first few seconds of consciousness when Connor opens his eyes, he can’t remember why he feels such a heavy sense of dread. Electing to ignore the dread, he stretches his arm out to the side of him, expecting to find Kevin but instead finding an empty space. His heart momentarily stops and he wonders if that is why he feels terrible, but then comes the distant crash of something breaking in the kitchen and the sound of Kevin swearing. Connor's heart resumes its normal beat and his eyes flutter shut again, curling under his covers. 

He’s barely asleep again before he feels someone run their hand through his hair and places tender kisses all over his face. Leaning into the hand, Connor opens his eyes and smiles up at Kevin who’s sat on the edge of the bed. 

“Morning!” Kevin says cheerily, holding up a tray of food, “I made us breakfast!”

Connor smiles at him and sits up, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. 

“Why are you making me breakfast?” Connor asks as Kevin awkwardly gets into bed, trying not to spill the food everywhere. 

“I just wanted to cheer you up,” Kevin shrugs, kissing him lightly, “how are you feeling?” 

Connor shrugs, “Tired. What time is it?” 

“Half past 11,” 

“_ What _?” Connor exclaims, throwing the covers off of him and almost knocking the tray of breakfast to the floor, “I need to start working! Oh, god, why didn’t you wake me up?” 

“Connor, you’re not working today,” Kevin says, grabbing his hand, “stay here,”

“That’s sweet, Kev, but I really need to-“

“Stay away from your laptop today. Please.” 

“Why on earth would I - _ oh. _”

That feeling of dread suddenly makes sense and Connor sits on the edge of the bed, his head in his hands. Kevin comes up behind him and wraps his arms around his waist, resting his chin on his shoulder. 

“Lets just eat breakfast, yeah?”

“I’m not very hungry. I’m sorry,” Connor says, “thank-you for making it though,”

“You need to eat something, Con.”

Connor eats half a croissant and a bit of fruit, but that really is all he can stomach. All he can think about is the fact that people up and down the country are reading what his sister had written about him. His blood runs cold thinking about all the people who are reading about what his dad did to him. He’s never told anyone about that, not even Chris, and she took that away from him. His readers aren’t even aware of the conversion therapy. That was another thing that he had decided to keep to himself. She took away his right to tell his own story. 

“Your phones ringing, Kev,” Connor says quietly. 

“Ah, it’s only Jack,” he says, clambering out of bed and kissing Connor on the cheek, “I’ll be back in a minute,” 

Dread heavy on his heart, Connor pushes the tray away from him and sits cross legged in the middle of the bed, staring at his hands. There’s no way he’s ever going to come back from this. For the rest of his career, he’s going to be followed by this stupid article. He is just going to be known as “_ Connor McKinley, that poor kid who got beat up by his dad and sent to conversion therapy _ ,” instead of, “ _ Connor McKinley, that guy who writes that quite succesful blog _,” 

Sighing, Connor pulls himself out of bed and towards his office. He stands outside the door of the living room and places his ear to the door, listening for Kevin. 

“I think he’ll be OK. I just - I hated having to read it, you know? Like that bit about his dad-” Kevin’s voice breaks and Connor can envision him running a hand through his hair, “No idea what I’m going to do, really...”

Connor backs away from the door and goes to his office, quietly shutting the door behind him. Even though he probably shouldn’t, Connor sits at his desk and opens his laptop, going straight to the New York Times website. And there it is, on the front page. 

**Kelsey McKinley: My Queer Brother Abandoned Our Family, Even After We Tried to Fix Him - And Now Blames Me**. 

He skim reads the article, noting some changes - she mentions the Church more and talks about how she ‘loves’ him. But that isn’t what bothers him. No, the worst part of the entire thing is how she refers to therapy as ‘summer camp’. Tears prickle in his eyes and he has the sudden urge to throw his laptop out of the window. 

“Con? Are you in here?”

“Y-Yeah,” Connor shouts to Kevin through the door, “Yeah. I’m here,”

Kevin sighs when he walks through the door, “You really shouldn’t be working today, what are you-” he breaks off as he looks down at Connor’s laptop, “You shouldn’t read that again.”

“Summer camp,” Connor says. 

“What?”

“Summer camp,” Connor repeats, “she - she referred to my therapy as _ summer camp. _ How could she do that? How could she make it seem like - like it was a _ treat _? Like...like it was something I enjoyed! How could she?”

“I know,” Kevin says quietly, perching on the edge of his desk, “Believe me, Con, I know. It’s - it’s the worst thing in the world. I’m sorry she’s doing this. I wish I could stop it,” 

“Ah, look, she quoted my blog at the end,” Connor says angrily, “_ ‘ And yet, despite the fact that he failed as district leader, despite the fact that he cheated on a partner and broke up a marriage, he still blames me! In his blog post he writes, “‘Kelsey was the first person I ever came out to. I entrusted her with the biggest secret of my life, and she threw it all back in my face, as though it was nothing. As though _ I _ was nothing. People talk a lot about daddy issues, but what about sibling issues? Her telling my parents I was gay is the root cause of many of the issues I’ve had to deal with these past ten years and-” _

Kevin slams the laptop shut. 

“Stop it,” he says, “You’re not helping yourself,”

“I don’t know why she feels the need to point out the fact that I failed as district leader! I’m already aware of that!” 

“You didn’t fail as district leader,” Kevin tells him, “you were the best district leader any of us could have asked for,”

Connor sighs and unlocks his phone, scrolling through everything, “How long do you think it’ll be before people stop talking about it? I have 1,000 new instagram followers, a lot of journalists emailing me for a ‘quote’ and that damn article already has 100 comments! It’s only been up an hour!”

“You don’t have to say anything to anyone,”

“I can’t just ignore it!” Connor exclaims, “It’ll be worse if I do!”

“Maybe you should speak to Michael?”

“Maybe I should just throw myself out of the window,”

“Connor,” Kevin says quietly, “that isn’t - that’s not funny,”

“I know. I’m sorry,” Connor says, reaching out and taking Kevin’s hand, “I’m just at a loss of what to do. I don’t like not knowing what to do,” 

“We’ll figure something out,” Kevin promises, “somehow,”

A series of quite frantic knocks on the door stops Connor from replying to Kevin. Which is probably a good thing, because he was just going to say something pessimistic. 

“I’ll answer it,” Connor says resignedly. 

He doesn’t have time to register who it actually is before there's arms around him and he staggers backwards into the hall. It’s only when he notices James stood in the doorway that he realises that it’s Chris who’s hugging him so tight that it almost hurts. 

“I’m so sorry, Connor. I’m really sorry. This is so unfair. She didn’t have any right to do any of that. I’m really sorry,” Chris babbles, “You deserve so much more. I’m sorry,”

“Hey, hey, it’s fine,” Connor lies, “It’s OK. You don’t have to - you don’t have to apologise. It isn’t your fault,”

“Con, who is - oh, hey guys,” Kevin says, “I thought you’d make an appearance today,” 

“All of this sucks, man,” James sighs, “pretty shit that you got dragged into it as well,”

“I’m barely mentioned. I’m fine,” Kevin says with a shrug, “want something to eat? I made too much breakfast,”

It does not take long for the inevitable breakdown; Connor paces up and down the living room, gesticulating wildly as he gets everything off his chest. 

“She took away the chance for me to tell my own story! And now - now none of this matters!” he yells, gesturing around the apartment, “It doesn’t matter that I was able to afford an apartment in New York on my own when I was 25! It doesn’t matter that I was smart enough to work out how to make a living from blogging, it doesn’t matter that I’ve done all of this on my own! Because - because no one's gonna care about that! They’ll be too interested in knowing exactly how much conversion therapy made him want to kill myself and how on _ earth _ I didn’t go through with it!” 

“Connor, maybe you should just sit down,” James says quietly. 

But he just ignores him and carries on, “And - and - she just _ had _ to mention my dad, didn’t she? She _ had _to point out that I was his personal punching bag for two fucking years!”

“Two years?” Kevin asks, “Last night - last night you told me that it only happened twice!”

Connor freezes. He can’t bring himself to look at anyone, certainly can’t bring himself to look at _ James. _

“I didn’t - I don’t like talking about it. I just - it’s horrible, what happened and I don’t - I don’t want to believe it did,” 

“You don’t want to believe that someone who’s meant to love you more than anything in the world could hurt you?” James asks quietly. 

Connor turns to look at him. There’s tears sparkling in his eyes and he seems to be shaking. 

“Yeah.” Connor says, “Yeah, that,” 

“I get it,” he says, “you’re not ready to talk about it, Connor. We don’t have to.” 

It’s a long day, and maybe one of the worst of Connor’s life, but they make the most of it. Kevin and James venture out into the thick snow to buy them food, and Chris keeps him company. They talk about everything but Kelsey. It’s probably a bad coping mechanism, and sort of teetering on turning it off, but Connor really doesn’t want to have to face anything yet. He isn’t sure that he’ll ever be ready. 

That night when Connor crawls into bed, his entire body aching like he’d just ran a marathon, he checks his emails out of force of habit. His eyes seems glued to the most recent one, and Connor isn’t sure whether he should open it or never go on the internet again. 

[ **Kelsey-Woods@gmail.com** ](mailto:Kelsey-Woods@gmail.com)

**Subject Line - The New York Times.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank-you for reading!!
> 
> I know I said the last chapter was a bitch to write, but this one was even worse and I wasn't in Starbucks so I didn't get the chance to pace around :( Got there in the end though


	27. You're Going To Be OK, Elder McKinley

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!Trigger Warning!!
> 
> -Homophobia  
-Mentions of conversion therapy  
-Abuse (domestic/child)  
-Mentions of suicide 
> 
> (Once again, I am sorry).

Connor somehow manages to ignore the email for a whole week, and it’s almost as though the whole thing never happened. 

Instead of publishing another post in response to Kelsey, Connor simply posted an old picture of himself from the MTC to instagram with the caption: “** _You’re going to be OK, Elder McKinley,_ ** _ ”. _And he feels like that gets the message across. 

“One million likes,” Connor says, looking over at Kevin, “that picture of me at the MTC got _ one million likes _,” 

“That’s a lot of people,” Kevin replies from where he’s sat at the kitchen table, grading essays. 

“It’s ridiculous is what it is,” Connor mutters, closing the app and turning to look at him, “I booked those plane tickets to Utah, by the way,”

They are spending their Christmas in Utah with Kevin’s family and although Connor is looking forward to having an actual Christmas dinner for once - he usually spends Christmas with Arnold and Naba, and neither like cooking an actual dinner - he’s worried about Kevin and the fact that, according to a very anxious Mrs Price, Lucy has moved back to Utah with her parents (“We’ve had to move churches!” she told Connor on the phone. She likes to ring him every week to make sure that Kevin is OK, “And Fred very nearly punched her father, in _ Church _ of all places. And I told him that _ Heavenly Father_ will deal with them, not him. He knew this, of course, but he was just thinking about our dear Kev, oh gosh, he is OK, isn’t he? I’d ask him, but the only answer I ever get is, ‘fine,’”).

“Oh, thanks, babe,” Kevin says. 

“Are you sure you want to go back?” Connor asks. 

“Of course I want to go back! I can’t not spend Christmas with my parents, Con! They’d never speak to me again,” 

“No, no, I know. I mean - going back to Utah,” Connor says carefully, “because-”

“Lucy has gone back?” 

“Yeah.” 

Kevin sighs, “Listen, I’m not saying that it _ hasn’t _kept me up at night but...I can’t spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder for her. If I see her, then I see her. And we’ll just have to deal with it.”

“Alright,” Connor says quietly, “As long as you’re sure-”

“I am,” Kevin promises, “Honestly, Con. I’m going to be fine. Besides, my mom saw her in Church. And it’s not as though we’ll be going to _ Church _, is it?”

“We won’t be?” Connor asks. 

“Uh, well, I just thought we - unless...unless you _ want _ to?” 

“No!” Connor says hastily, “No, no. I was worried that your mom and dad would expect us to,”

“I already spoke to them about it. They don’t mind,” Kevin says, “They all know you’re an atheist, Connor,”

“I actually think you’ll find I’m an agnostic who’s too scared to admit that he’s an atheist,” Connor corrects, “I’m keeping my options open,” he stands up from the sofa and stretches, “Right, I’m actually going to do some work,”

“What, you’re telling me that constantly checking how many likes you have on Instagram _ isn’t _work?”

“Shut up, Kevin,”

“Make me,”

Connor glares at him, “Don’t you _ dare _start that, I have a lot to do today,” 

Kevin only has to raise an eyebrow ever so slightly to make Connor forget about his outrageously long to-do list. 

An hour later, Connor finally sits down in his office, and is in a much better mood than he was previously. He’s also much more productive than he usually is, and although he would like to tell Kevin this, he holds back - the best way to stroke Kevin’s ego would be tell him that sex makes him work more. And as much as Connor likes the fact that Kevin is becoming more confident again, he does _ not _miss egotistical Kevin. 

When he has finished writing and editing three posts, Connor turns to his emails. He ignores most of them; they’re off journalists asking him for an interview. He laughs quietly at the one asking him to go on The View. _ The View! _ He imagines it for a moment, giggling quietly to himself. He’s never heard of something so ridiculous in his life. He politely declines, but texts Chris about it, because he’ll know he’ll find it funny (it’s Chris’ guilty pleasure, he just won’t admit it). 

He scrolls all the way down to the email that Kelsey sent him, and he’s in such a good mood that he actually clicks on it. 

**From:** [**Kelsey-Woods@gmail.com**](mailto:Kelsey-Woods@gmail.com)

**To:** [**Connor.McKinley@gmail.com**](mailto:Connor.McKinley@gmail.com)

**Subject - The New York Times. **

**Hello Connor, **

**I don’t know if you read the New York Times, but I feel like I should tell you that there’s going to be an article in it today written by me, about you. **

**I came across your blog, and felt that if you were allowed to talk about me, then I should be allowed to talk about you. I’m sorry that you felt like the only way you could get your feelings out was through a blog post and not face to face. You know that I’ve only ever been a phone call away. I wish that it didn’t come to this.**

**In saying all of this, however, I’m more than happy to meet up with you. I’m still living in Provo. I know you’re not going to want to spend Christmas with me - and I don’t really want to spend Christmas with you - but I think that maybe we should put this to bed. Once and for all. **

**Yours sincerely, **

**Kelsey. **

* * *

**From: ** [ **Connor.McKinley@gmai.com** ](mailto:Connor.McKinley@gmai.com)

**To: ** [ **Kelsey-Woods@gmail.com** ](mailto:Kelsey-Woods@gmail.com)

**Subject - Re: The New York Times. **

**I read it. Thanks for talking about dad. No one knew about that, and then I had to have a very awkward conversation with my boyfriend about it. Also, thanks for going to speak to his ex-wife. He really appreciated that. It’s not like he’s a teacher or anything who’s going to have to go to school after the Christmas holidays and face his classes knowing that they probably know he cheated on his wife. But she probably didn’t tell you exactly why he cheated, did she? I’ll spare you the details, because they aren’t nice. Not that I’d tell you, anyway, because it’s not my story to tell. Not that you understand that concept. **

**If you didn’t want it to come to any of this, then you probably shouldn’t have told mom and dad that I’m gay. Or maybe you should have stopped dad from beating me black and blue. **

**I’ll still come and see you though. Kevin and I are visiting his family for Christmas, because he has a family who actually give a shit about him. **

**Also, I want this off record. I don’t want another article in the New York Times or on your weird website. This is between me and you, not the entire country.**

**\-----**

Kevin thinks that it’s a bad idea. Chris thinks that it’s a bad idea. James thinks that it’s a bad idea. Arnold thinks that it’s a bad idea. Naba thinks it’s a bad idea, and according to her, so does the whole village (“Gotswana said that you need your head looking at,”), but Connor decides to ignore them. He can speak to his own sister if he wants to. She’s _his _ sister, it’s his life and it's his day that he'll probably ruin. 

When they land in Provo, Kevin goes to hail a taxi but Connor steers him in the direction of the car rental. 

“I don’t know why you want to rent a car,” Kevin mutters when they’re stood in the rental shop, “public transport works just fine. I think Daisy’s got in my head about climate change. We should use public transport more, you know. It’s better for the environment,”  
  
“I know, but we might need to make a quick get away and that’s difficult to do if you need to wait for a bus,”   
  
Kevin sighs and leans forward to kiss Connor, but he jerks back.   
  
“Please. Not here. I don’t...I don’t know who’s around,” Connor says quietly.   
  
Kevin looks slightly hurt but smiles anyway, “Okay,”   
  
“I’m sorry,”   
  
“It’s fine, babe,” Kevin says, “I promise.”   
  
Connor nods and turns away, feeling himself blush. He feels 17 again; terrified of who he is and what people will think of him if they find out. Which is stupid, because people have probably read the article and probably know that he’s gay. He looks down at his jacket and realises that it’s got a tiny pride pin on it. He’s about to take it off before Kevin swats his hand away.   
  
“Don’t,” he says, “you know there’s nothing wrong with it,”   
  
Connor nods, “No. You’re right. I can’t write a whole blog about being gay and then get embarrassed by a tiny pin, can I?”   
  
Kevin picks up the car keys, “Exactly. We’re gay, Connor, everyone should just get over it.”   
  
Connor knows that Kevins trying to get a kiss out of him, but there’s something holding him back. He just isn’t sure what.   
  
They don’t go straight to Kelsey’s house. Connor insists on going to the hotel first and unpacking (“You sure you’re not going to change your mind if we don’t go there straight away?” ; “No, I just - I need to ease myself into it. I haven’t been back here for years and - no! Don’t go down that street! That’s where the..._summer camp_ is,”).   
  
Connor feels so bad about the fact that he didn’t kiss Kevin that instead of unpacking like had wanted to, they just lie in bed and lazily make out for a while, which makes Connor realise that they don’t make out enough, which he tells Kevin.   
  
“That’s because you always compliment me and get me going,” Kevin replies, biting down on his neck slightly, “hardly my fault,”   
  
Connor smiles and flips them over so he’s on top, kissing along Kevin’s jawline.   
  
“And it’s not my fault that you’re so hot,” Connor counters, “but I’m not going to start. I need us both not horny today,”   
  
“That might be the most disappointing thing you’ve ever said to me, Connor McKinley,”   
  
“At least until tonight,” Connor says, “I think I’ll need you to cheer me up,”   
  
Kevin grins and pulls Connor’s face down to his, twisting his hands in his hair as he kisses him.   
  
“I think I’ll be able to cheer you up somehow,” he whispers, making Connor shiver.   
  
“We should really go though,” Connor sighs, sitting up so he’s straddling Kevin.   
  
Kevin pouts, “You’re right though. We don’t make out enough. Ten more minutes?”   
  
“Ugh. Fine. But be careful with hickeys, OK?” Connor says, prodding him in the chest, “I know what you’re like,”   
  
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Kevin says lightly, pulling Connor back down to him by his shirt.   
  
In the end neither of them are careful about hickeys, but the cold weather is on their side and they can wear jumpers without it looking too ridiculous.   
  
“To be fair, I don’t think there’s anything particularly wrong with having hickeys. Mormons can give each other hickeys. I don’t think there’s a passage in the Book that says, “ _ And the Lord said, thou shalt not give each other hickeys _ ,” Kevin says, pulling down the neck of his jumper and tilting his head up so he can see them better.   
  
“I know but, Kev, we’re going to see my sister. It’s not like we’re seeing Arnold and Naba,”   
  
“We’ll be fine,” Kevin says, kissing his cheek, “Besides, it’s Christmas in_ 3_ days! How exciting is that?”   
  
“Depends how mean my sister is,” Connor mutters, “can we just go? I want it over and done with,”   
  
They drive over in silence, the only sounds being the directions from the satnav and the music on the radio. Connor impatiently taps his fingers on the side of the car. When Kevin pulls up outside the house, he realises how close it is to his childhood home and wants to throw up.   
  
“This was a bad idea,” Connor says.   
  
“We don’t have to-“   
  
“Just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean I’m not doing it,” Connor interjects, unbuckling his seatbelt and getting out, “Come on,”   
  
It’s strange how anxiety can make you overthink the simplest of tasks. When Connor gets to the front door, he doesn’t know whether he should knock or ring the doorbell. He stands frozen on the doorstep, staring at the door as though he’s never seen one before.   
  
“Connor, you’ve spent a good part of your life knocking on doors,” Kevin sighs, reaching over his head and knocking, “stop panicking you’re going to be OK,”   
  
“Did you never have the door panic before when you used to proselytise?” Connor asks, “like, you didn’t know whether to knock or ring the doorbell?”   
  
“Never,”   
  
“Oh.” Connor says, “I used to.”   
  
“I mean, that’s the easiest part of the job, isn’t it? It’s the bit when they open the door that’s worst,” Kevin says thoughtfully.   
  
“Yeah but some people used to get angry when you rang the doorbell.”   
  
Kevin shrugs, “People were always angry when they opened the door and realised we were missionaries,”   
  
They fall silent when they hear the sound of the door unlocking, and Connor gets the same flutter of anxiety that he used to when he went door to door. Strangely enough, he finds himself wishing that he had a Book of Mormon so he could hold something. Then he realises that he can hold Kevin’s hand and does.   
  
“I thought you said you didn’t want to-“   
  
“Panicking.” Connor says. “Panicking. A lot.”   
  
The door opens and Connor almost forces himself to smile before he realises that he doesn’t have to do that anymore.   
  
“Hello,”   
  
“Hi,” Connor says breathlessly, “you look...you look, uh... _ p-pregnant? _ ”   
  
She looks down at her stomach with eyes that are so much like his own and blushes underneath her freckles as she caresses her bump.   
  
“20 weeks today. Number two.”   
  
“I have a niece or nephew?” Connor asks weakly.   
  
“Nephew. His name is Zach. He’s three.” she pauses, “he looks like you,”   
  
“Here’s hoping he doesn’t end up like me though, eh?” Connor says harshly. 

Kelsey doesn’t say anything, she just stands to the sides. Connor takes this as an invitation to walk inside so he does, gripping onto Kevin’s hand as tightly as he can. He thinks that he might faint, or throw up. Or both, all at once. 

“Hello, Connor,” 

Those words, in that voice, make Connor’s blood run cold. At once, he drops Kevin’s hand and takes a step away from him, looking into the eyes of Cillian McKinley; he’s aged, which Connor supposes isn’t such a surprise because it’s been more than ten years. And although his hair is thinner and his face more lined, he's still looking at Connor witht the same old contempt. 

“D-Dad,” Connor stutters, and he’s really starting to regret the hickeys, “what are you - why are you - why are you here?” 

“Kelsey invited me over whilst your mother looks after Zach,” he replies. 

Cillian is speaking in a low voice, the sort of tone that Connor usually associates with being hit. Desperate to get away from him, Connor takes a step towards Kevin, only to realise that that would make matters worse for him - for them _ both _ \- so moves away from him, but now that he’s away from Kevin, he feels more scared and he has no idea what to do. 

“Sit down,” Cillian says and Connor does, without even thinking about it. His brain has gone into survival mode; _ if you just do what he says, he might just leave you alone, just do whatever it is he wants. He can’t hurt you if you don’t give him a reason to. _

Kevin is still stood in the doorway, staring intently at Connor. They lock eyes and Connor shakes his head ever so slightly, a silent plea to stay away from him. Kevin nods and sits on a tiny stool that Connor suspects belongs to Zach. Under any other circumstances, the sight of someone as tall as Kevin sat on a stool made for a child might have been funny, but Connor can’t bring himself to laugh. 

“Why did you invite him over?” Connor asks, turning to look at Kelsey. 

“Well, I thought that...I thought that if you and I were going to talk, then it was only fair that dad-”

“You should have _ asked _me!” Connor interjects, “you should have made sure that-”

“Don’t raise your voice at her,” Cillian snaps back, “and _ don’t _interrupt,”

“Sorry, sir,” Connor says quietly, averting his eyes to the floor. He hears Kevin make an angry noise and holds his breath, silently begging his boyfriend to not speak. 

“What did you think of the article, Connor?” Kelsey asked, apparently unbothered by the way Cillian is treating Connor. Not that much has changed.

“Well written, it’s just a shame about the content,” Connor says bluntly. 

“I could say the same thing about your blog!” she exclaims. 

Connor glances over at their dad to see if he’ll reprimand Kelsey for raising her voice. But of course he doesn’t. 

“There’s a bit of a difference between what we write, Kelsey,” Connor says, pinching his thigh every time his voice threatens to grow too loud. It’s a trick he had taught himself when he was 12 and it had yet to fail him, “I write about trying to make my life better, you write about _ why _I have to make my life better!”

“We were trying to make your life better!”

“Why did I try to kill myself, then?” Connor yells, forgetting himself.

Kevin jumps up at this, staring between Connor and Kelsey, tears in his eyes. 

“I’m sorry, Con, I had no idea, I think we should - we should just leave. Lets go, come on,”

But Connor shakes his head. He needs this, he needs them to know. 

“Heavenly Father was testing you-” Cillian begins but Connor interrupts him. 

“Don’t. Don’t you dare try and make it seem like it was my fault. It wasn’t. It was _ you, _and it was mom and it was-”

“Have you forgotten who you’re speaking to? _ Don’t _interrupt me, boy,” Cillian says, in his most dangerous voice and Connor feels him shrinking into himself again. 

_ What are you doing? _ A terrified voice in the back of his mind asks. _ What the heck are you doing, making him so angry? Be quiet! Just let him shout and he might leave you alone! Shush! _

“Don’t talk to him like that!” Kevin snaps, and Connor whimpers slightly because now Kevin is going to get hurt and it’s going to be all his fault. 

“And you are...?”

“This is Kevin. Connor’s..._ boyfriend _,” Kelsey says quickly, “he was married to that woman I interviewed,” 

Cillian sighs and looks at Kevin in a way that surprises Connor for it is a look of sympathy. It seems to shock Kevin too because he frowns. 

“So you’re his current _plaything_?” Cillian asks, “how long do you think it’s going to be before he cheats on you with someone else he corrupted? I actually feel sorry for you, kid,”

"I don't need your sympathy," Kevin snaps again, "and I'm not anyones _thing_,"

Connor has not felt this powerless in a long time. He rests his elbows on his knees and his hands go to his hair, tugging at it as he squeezes his eyes shut, trying to find something that will distract him from what is happening around him. 

“Stop it, stop it, stop it,” Connor whispers, “please, don’t - stop it. Stop it. Stop it.” 

Kelsey tuts, “Are you ever going to stop acting like the victim, Connor?”

“Leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone,” Connor mutters, rocking backwards and forwards slightly, because suddenly he’s eighteen again and his dad is going on one of his unprompted, weekly rants about how Connor is going to end up in Hell, and how it’s his own fault, “Please, please, please...”

Hands wrap around his wrists and at first, Connor flinches but then he realises that they are soft and gentle and that thumbs are moving in soothing circles. 

“Con, baby, we should leave,” and it’s Kevin. Of course it’s Kevin, because Kevin is always there when he needs him, “lets go,”

Connor opens his eyes. Kevin is crouched down in front of him, tears dripping down his nose and onto Connor’s trousers. 

“I want to stay,” Connor whispers. 

Kevin sighs and moves to sit next to him on the couch, but Connor moves away from him. It's too dangerous. They'll get hurt. Kevin sighs again but keeps his distance, and Connor feels even worse because he _is _proud of himself but his dad is glaring at him so forcefully that Connor is surprised he hasn't been turned to stone. 

“Stop playing the victim, Connor, it’s boring,” Kelsey says impatiently, “I wanted to have an _ adult _conversation of what went wrong, but instead you’re blubbering like a baby!”

“Do you think I like how shit my life has been?” Connor asks, “Do you think I like everything that happened to me?”

“You like it enough to write a whole blog about it!” Kelsey yells. 

Before he knows what he’s doing, Connor is on his feet, his hands balled into fists. 

“Oh my god!” Connor shouts, unable to believe that he’s suddenly brave (or stupid) enough to use the Lords name in vain in front of his family, “You really are - you don’t get it, do you? You don’t get what it’s like to be beat up because of who you love! I wrote that blog post so that kids like me would know that it gets better! That it gets to the point where you can actually kiss another man without thinking you’ll go to Hell for it! That you can fall in love without feeling _guilty_ about it! Do you know what it’s like to feel guilty for loving someone? Even though Heavenly Father is meant to be _all loving_?”

“Heavenly Father loves everyone despite their sins, not because of-”

“Cut the crap, Kelsey,” Connor interrupts, “I’m not a sinner for loving someone. I’m not a sinner for kissing Kevin and living with him and loving him. _You_ are the sinner for treating me the way you did!”

“That was for the best, Connor,” Cillian says. 

“No! No, it wasn’t! Can’t you see that I’m happy?”

“I don’t think you are,” Cillian says, “You’re living a lie, you both are! He was married!” he adds, pointing at Kevin. 

“Yes, and what a lovely marriage that was!” Kevin exclaims, “there’s nothing quite as romantic as your wife beating you up, is there?”

“That sort of therapy _works_,” Cillian says. 

“Obviously it doesn’t because I’m still going to suck Kevin’s dick later!” Connor exclaims before he can stop himself. 

Kevin gasps and claps his hands over his mouth whilst Kelsey shakes her head in disgust. Though Connor can’t bring himself to focus on any of this because Cillian jumps to his feet and advances on Connor, backing him into the wall.

“Hey!” Kevin yells, “_Hey_! Get away from him!”

“Go on, do it, I dare you,” Connor hisses, refusing to break eye contact with his father, “_Do it. Hit me._ I know you want to. Go on.”

“Connor,” Kevin says, somewhat desperately as he tries to get between them, “_ Connor, _stop it. You’re going to get yourself hurt. Come on,”

But Connor ignores him, simply placing a hand on Kevin’s chest and giving him a gentle shove back. 

“You’re going to burn in Hell, kid,” Cillian spits, every syllable dripping with venom, “both of you are,” 

“What, you think Heavenly Father is going to let someone who beat up his_ kid_ into paradise? Connor asks, “because I don’t think he will,” 

Despite the fact that it’s been ten years, Cillian McKinley can still slap with the force of a man much stronger than he actually probably is. His palm cracks against Connor’s cheekbone and the sound reverberates around the room. Kevin yells and pushes himself between the two of them, shoving Cillian back and putting his arm around Connor’s waist, pulling them together. 

Connor doesn’t react to anything. His arms fall limply at his sides, and he stares at a point just above his father's head whilst that terrified, anxious voice he now recognises as the voice of his seventeen year old self screams at him in his mind, drowning out whatever Kevin is whispering into his ear. 

_ You just had to make him angry, didn’t you? Why couldn’t you just shut up for once in your life? Why? Gosh, Connor, this is why you wanted to kill yourself! _

“I hope that Zach is better at being the older sibling than you were,” Connor says finally, looking over at Kelsey, “and I hope that if...if that baby ends up being like me...I hope that Zach still loves them, and I hope that he’s the supportive sibling that you could never be.” 

“I _ was _supportive,” Kelsey says, “and if you wanted to change, I still could be,”

Connor shakes his head, “You never were and you never will be. You just saw your dad hit your little brother, and you didn’t even...you didn’t even _ flinch _ . Any other sibling would try and put a stop to it. You _ destroyed _me, Kelsey. I could look passed mom and dad but you...I really thought you loved me. I thought you’d care, but you probably wish that I was dead than gay, wouldn’t you?”

Her silence is the only answer Connor needs. 

“I think it’s time for us to leave,” Kevin says, tugging on Connor, “Come on. We’re going,”

Connor lets Kevin drag him out of the house. The moment the door shuts behind them, Connor practically falls into Kevin and he suddenly feels _ everything. _His body begins to shake and he realises that hot tears had been streaming down his face the entire time, and the pain in his cheek really is a lot worse than he thought it was. He holds a shaking hand to it and realises that it’s bleeding because his dad is left handed and likes to make sure his wedding ring leaves a mark. 

“I’m sorry,” Connor says as Kevin helps him into the car, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have let him hit me in front of you. I didn’t think it through. I’m sorry, Kev, you shouldn't have seen any of that," 

“It isn’t your fault,” Kevin tells him gently, “don’t blame yourself. He’s the one who did it,” 

“Hurts,” Connor says, “really, really hurts,”

“I know,” Kevin says miserably, kissing his forehead, “I’ll get some ice for you when we get to the hotel, don’t worry,”

“I hate him,” 

“I know,”

“I absolutley fucking hate him. My own dad! I hate my own _dad_! And my _sister_, and my _mom_, and my brother-in-law who I haven’t even _met_ and-” he breaks off in a whimper, “and my nephew probably hates me! He shouldn’t hate me! I should - I should be his Uncle Con! And he should look forward to visiting New York and having slumber parties! I should be looking forward to taking him to see the Statue of Liberty for the first time and - and buying him tickets to see The Lion King! Or Frozen!”

“You know we can do that with Annabelle and Noah, right?” Kevin asks as he pulls away from the house, “when they’re older, we can do all of that and more. We can take them up the Empire State Building and to Central Park in the summer for a picnic. We’ll probably take them ice skating one day, and when they’re much older we should take them to see a taping of SNL which, by the way, I _ really _want to do,” he carries on speaking about all the things that they want to do, all the things that they _will _do. 

“Kev?” 

“Yeah?”

“I’m excited,”

“Huh?”

“For the future,” Connor says, “I’m excited for the future. _ Our _future,”

Kevin looks over at Connor and grins, “Me too, Con, me too,” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank-you so much for reading! I've finally gotten over my bout of writers block, even though it very nearly killed me off! 
> 
> Comments/Kudos are always appreciated and thank-you so much to everyone who's left kudos/commented something already, because it really does bring a smile to my face!! 
> 
> <3


	28. To Love Another Person Is To See The Face of God

Connor is quite sure that one day, he would like to have children of his own. But when he sees Annabelle or Noah in one of _ those _moods, he can’t help but wonder why anyone would willingly have children. 

It’s December 24th and Jack is doing his very best to have a nap. He’s sprawled out on the sofa in the Price family home, his mouth hanging open as he quietly snores. Noah is stood in front of him, poking him unrelentlessly in the stomach. 

“Jack,” Mr Price says, “your son wants you,”

“Huh?” is Jack’s sleep reply. 

“Your son wants you,” Mr Price repeats, “Remember him? He’s five years old, called Noah,” 

Jack opens his eyes and looks down at Noah, holding out his arms, “You want snuggles?”

“No,” Noah replies. 

“Oh,” Jack says, and Connor thinks that he looks slightly hurt, “What is it then?”

“Finish my drawing for me?” Noah asks, holding up a piece of paper. 

“I’m tired, buddy, ask mommy,”

“Mommy isn’t here,” 

“She isn’t?” Jack asks, looking around the room and looking quite troubled by the fact, “where is she?”

“Shopping with Uncle Kev and Annie,” 

“Grandad is sitting right over there,” Jack says, pointing over to Mr Price, “ask him. Daddy’s tired,”

“Grandad can’t draw!”

“Ask Granny,”

“Granny can’t draw!” Noah exclaims, his voice bordering on hysterical.

“Hey, Noah, I’ll do it for you,” Connor offers. 

“No! You can’t do it!” Noah shouts, clutching the paper close to his chest. 

Connor is slightly hurt by this rejection, but does his best to not show it on his face. 

“Why, Noah?” Jack asks, “why can’t he-”

“Because it’s his Christmas present!”

“Alright, alright, alright. Calm down, son, I’ll draw for you,” Jack says, bending down to pick him, “You don’t have to get upset. It’s OK. We can go and do it upstairs so he doesn’t see, yeah?” 

Before he leaves the room, Jack turns to Connor and whispers, “You’re never going to stop crying,” 

Connor smiles slightly, trying to fight the tears that are already threatening to spill. For the past two days, Connor has constantly been on the verge of tears but has somehow managed to hide it from everyone. Even Kevin. It’s hard; the Price’s are everything that Connor ever wanted in a family, and everything that he never had. Will never have. 

“I’m, um, I’m going to get a drink,” Connor mutters, jumping up and running from the room. 

He staggers into the kitchen and leans against the sink, trying to take deep, calming breaths. Christmas Day is going to be impossible if he reacts this badly every time he sees the Price’s acting like a proper family. Maybe he should just go home. Just as he takes his phone out to look at plane tickets, the door opens and he jumps, his phone clattering to the ground. 

“Connor, are you alright?”

“S-Sorry, Mrs Price, I don’t mean to be such a downer,” 

“Please, dear, call me Sally,”

And those words seem to have a strange effect on Connor, because he bursts into tears. Sally jumps slightly but rushes forward and pulls Connor in for a hug, which only makes him cry even harder. He then proceeds to cry even more when he realises he’s sobbing into the shoulder of his boyfriends mom and there really isn’t anything quite as embarrassing as that, is there?

“Tell me whats wrong,” Sally says, pulling out a chair and gesturing for him to sit, “is it-” she breaks off with a sigh, “I know where that bruise came from. It was your dad,” 

Connor jerks away from her and claps a hand over the bruise on his cheek. He had asked Kevin not to tell anyone. Somehow, the thought of Kevin going behind his back and telling his mom anyway hurt more than the actual slap. 

“Did he - why did - I told Kevin not tell anyone!” 

“Kevin didn’t tell me anything, you’re just both terrible liars,” Sally says, “I never thought for one minute that you walked into a door,” 

Connor feels his face flush and he looks away from her, staring at his hands. 

“I didn’t - I didn’t mean to let him hit me in front of Kevin. I shouldn't have let him - it’s my fault,” 

“Please don’t blame yourself for this, darling,” Sally says, “this wasn’t you. You know it wasn’t you,”

Connor shakes his head and wipes his eyes, “I think I should - I think I should just go home. I just bring the mood down,” 

“What, and spend Christmas on your own?” Sally scoffs, “The twins love you, Jack and Molly love you, I love you, Fred loves you and, most importantly, _ Kevin _loves you. I don’t want you spending Christmas alone, Connor,”

“It’s a family thing, I don’t want to intrude,” 

Sally frowns at him, “Connor, do you...do you not think that you’re family?”

“Well, I - I mean...I...I didn’t think that - I count Kevin as family, of course, but I didn’t think that...well, I don’t actually know what I thought,” 

Sally sighs, “Look, Connor, what you went through with your family, it’s awful. When Jack showed me that article I couldn’t believe it. I understand that you haven’t had a real family before, but you do now, OK? You’re just as much of a family member as Molly is,”

Connor manages to smile, “Are you just trying to talk me into marrying Kevin?”

“Fred’s already written his speech,”

Connor can not tell if she’s joking, and he’s too scared to ask. 

**\-----**

It’s half past 5 on Christmas morning when Connor comes to the quite horrific realisation that his boyfriend is like a whiny child.  
  
Connor would like nothing more than to stay just as they are: he is burrowed far under the covers, clinging onto Kevin in the same way that a koala bear clings onto a tree trunk. It’s warm and comfortable and he’s happy. Kevin, on the other hand, is very obviously not happy and won’t stop poking Connor in the side.   
  
“Con. Con. Con. Connor. Connor. Connor McKinley. Connor Patrick McKinley.”   
  
“No.”   
  
“Wake up,”   
  
“No.”   
  
“I can’t sleep,”   
  
“That’s a shame. I can.”   
  
Kevin sighs, “It’s Christmas,”   
  
“It’s still going to be Christmas if I sleep for another hour,”   
  
“I’m bored,”   
  
“Go jerk off or something then,”   
  
“In my parents house? No way!”   
  
“Didn’t stop you sucking me off last night did it?”   
  
Kevin sighs again and puts both his arms around Connor. At first, Connor thinks that he’s won and begins to drift off back to sleep, but then Kevin moves so that he’s on top of Connor and starts kissing whatever bit of skin is visible.   
  
“Wake up. Wake up. Wake up.”   
  
Connor groans and tries to hide under the covers, but Kevin rips them out of his hands and starts kissing his neck.   
  
“Please, Con, I want to give you your present!”   
  
“Is it a blowjob?”   
  
“Um...no...”   
  
“Not interested,”   
  
Kevin rolls his eyes and gets out of bed. He rummages through the suitcase for so long that Connor finds himself falling back asleep, until Kevin bounds back over to the bed and jumps onto it with such force that Connor almost topples off.   
  
“Merry Christmas, Connor!”   
  
“Thank-you, ba - it’s a picture of a dog,” Connor says with a frown, looking down at the frame in his hands, “You got me a picture of a...dog,”   
  
“No, no. I got you a picture of _ our _ dog,”   
  
Connor is about to point out that they don’t have a dog until the puzzle pieces slot together in his brain. He gasps and looks down at the picture of their dog; a tiny sausage dog with light brown fur and massive eyes that Connor already knows that he’s never going to be able to say no to.   
  
“Listen, I know that the point of Point 3 is that we go and adopt the dog together but one of the kids at school works at the shelter at the weekend and he kept on talking about this dog that no one would adopt so then me and Arnold went to see him out of interest and he looked at me with those eyes and - oof,”   
  
Connor cuts him off by kissing him. 

“OK, so you’re not mad,” Kevin says.  
  
“How could I be mad? We have a dog!” Connor exclaims gleefully. He gasps, “we need to name him! I was thinking-“   
  
“Shakespeare,”   
  
“Come again?”   
  
Kevin blushes slightly, “His name is...listen, I know you’re not as obsessed with Shakespeare as I am-“   
  
“-there is not one person on god's green earth who’s more obsessed with Shakespeare than you,”   
  
“But that was his name _ before _ I adopted him! The only reason the kid at school told me about him was because of his name! And we can’t change it because he already answers to it,” Kevin says quickly.   
  
“It’s a good job you’re so pretty, Kevin Price, or I’d make you change the name,”   
  
Kevin grins and kisses him again, “You love the name really,”   
  
“I’m not going to be the one shouting it in the dog park, I’ll tell you that much,” Connor says, “When are we picking him up?”   
  
“The day we go back,” Kevin grins, “Excited?”   
  
Connor kisses him again, “Want your present now?”   
  
“Is it a blowjob?”   
  
“You’re not funny,” Connor mutters, throwing his present onto his lap.   
  
“Amazing gift giving etiquette there, Con, I don’t know how I got so - _ holy fucking shit _ , no way!” Kevin exclaims, “you’re taking me to see Les Mis?”   
  
“In London. We’re flying first class,” Connor says, trying to sound as casual about it as possible.   
  
Kevin squeals and throws his arms around Connor, almost pushing him off the bed.   
  
“You know I’ve been listening to 10th anniversary concert recording on repeat for the last couple of weeks?”   
  
“Yes, Kevin, because I’ve also been listening to it on repeat because we live together,” Connor laughs.   
  
“I’ve never been so excited about something in my whole life,” Kevin says, “Seriously. This is going to be the best day of my life. I hope the guy who plays Enjorlas is hot,”   
  
“I’m pretty sure one of the requirements to play Enjorlas is that you have to be hot,”   
  
“I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve you, Connor,” Kevin says, cupping Connor’s cheek with his hand, “I really don’t,”   
  
“Believe me, the feeling is mutual,” Connor whispers. 

They’re pulled apart by the sound of Annabelle shouting for Kevin at the top of her voice from downstairs. Kevin laughs quietly and rests his forehead against Connor’s.

“I’m starting to think that peace and quiet is a made up thing,” 

“_ UNCLE KEVINNNNN, _”

“I think you’re wanted,” Connor laughs. 

“_ UNCLE KEVVVV! _”

“I’ll be one minute, Annie!” Kevin shouts back, before turning back to Connor and kissing him, “Sorry, this isn’t the most romantic Christmas morning, is it?”

“It’s perfect,” Connor says, “I wouldn’t change it for the world,”

Connor does not go downstairs straight away, deciding to give the Price’s sometime together. Instead, he takes his phone out and texts the groupchat.

**Connor **

**< Merry Christmas guys!!!!**

**Chris**

**> You’re up early **

**Connor **

**< ???**

**< So are you **

**Chris **

**> I married an insomniac **

**Connor **

**> Yes because the one thing that Kevin Price is well known for is sleeping well**

**> He had five hours of sleep once and was bragging about it **

**James **

**> I think what Chris is trying to say is ‘Merry Christmas to you too, Con! We love you so much!’**

**Arn **

**>happy ** **sekukkulu** **! **

**>i think thats how u spell it **

**Naba**

**> It is! **

**>Merry Christmas everyone!!!!!!**

**Kev**

**> Merry Christmas!!!**

**>Did Connor tell you we have a dog? I adopted a dog for him**

**James **

**> A plant AND a dog? **

**>Should I buy a wedding suit **

**>Y’all are getting serious **

**Connor **

**< Wait till you hear his name **

**Arn **

**> is he named after me???**

**Connor **

**< I wish **

**Chris **

**> Oh no **

**> Please don’t tell me he’s called Macbeth or something **

**Connor **

**< Shakespeare **

**Naba **

**> Hahahahaa**

**> I really like the thought of Connor having to shout Shakespeare in the middle of the park **

**Chris **

**>Kevin.**

**>I cant believe you finally got a dog **

**>and named it fucking Shakespeare**

**Kev **

**> What???**

**> I didn’t name him!**

**>He was already named!**

**Chris **

**> Mormons shouldn’t lie **

**Kev **

**> I'm neither Mormon nor lying**

**James **

**> If anyone cares, I like the name **

**Arn**

**>arnold is a really good middle name **

**> shakespeare arnold price-mckinley **

Connor laughs and drops his phone into his pocket before walking down to the living room. It’s a picture of christmas bliss: the floor is covered in wrapping paper and Annabelle is sat in Kevin’s lap, showing him a doll that Santa brought her. Fred is sat on the floor with Jack, trying to construct a play house for Noah whilst Molly watches on, giggling as they get into an argument. 

“That’s the wrong screw, Jack!” Fred snaps. 

“You’re the wrong screw!” Jack exclaims. 

“You’re acting like a child!”

Something tugs on Connor’s hand and he looks down to see Noah looking up at him, a slightly crumpled piece of paper in his hand. 

“Hey, bud,” Connor says, “Merry Christmas!”

“I drew you a picture,” he says, holding it up. 

“Oh, thank-you, Noah it’s-” his voice breaks as he looks down at it.

It’s a drawing of Connor and Kevin presumably at Arnold and Nabulungi’s wedding. The two stick-figures are holding hands and there’s a heart above each of their heads. Noah had scrawled a message in the top corner of the drawing and although it took Connor a couple of tries to read it, it still tugged on his heart strings. 

_ “To Uncle Con, Merry Christmas. I’m happy you and Uncle Kev are boyfriends. Lots of love, Noah.” _

“Do you not like it?” Noah asks, his bottom lip trembling. 

“Oh - oh, no, I do. I do,” Connor says hurriedly, stooping down to pick him up, “I love it!” 

“Why are you crying?”

“Because...because I’m happy and sometimes when people are really happy, they cry,” Connor explains, “I promise I love it. It’s my favourite present,” 

Noah beams and puts his arms around Connor necks, “Love you, Uncle Con,” 

“Oh, I, uh...love you too, Noah,” Connor says, fighting to not break down in sobs. 

That afternoon, Connor and Kevin get a welcomed hour of peace as the Price’s go to church. They sit curled up on the sofa together whilst Kevin babbles incoherently about all the things that they’re going to do in London together. Connor is sure that they won’t do most of them, but he isn’t going to point this out to Kevin. 

“...oh, actually, do you know what I’m going to do?” Kevin says. 

“What?”

“I’m going to find the fanciest restaurant I can and make a reservation. I know it’ll be expensive but spending money on vacation doesn’t really feel like spending money, does it?” he replies, “I think we should start putting maybe 100 dollars aside a month until we go. Or maybe even 200. How expensive is London, exactly? Is it like New York? If we put 200 hundred aside then we’ll have - Connor? Are you even listening to me?”

Connor jumps slightly, “Uh, yeah...it's expensive,” 

Kevin laughs and kisses him softly, “You weren’t listening at all, were you?”

“Your smile is very distracting,”

“Should I stop smiling then?”

“Never,” Connor says, “happiness suits you, Kev,”

Kevin smiles again and puts his arms around Connor’s waist, resting his head on his chest. 

“This is the first time in my life that I haven’t been to Church on Christmas Day,” Kevin says suddenly, “it feels weird,”

“We could have gone if you wanted to,” Connor says, threading his fingers through Kevin’s hair, “If you wanted to go, I would have done,” 

Kevin shakes his head and turns over so that’s lay across Connor’s lap, looking up at him, “No, I’m done with religion. I don’t need Heavenly Father to complete me. I’ve got everything I need right here,”

Connor smiles and kisses the back of Kevin's hand, suddenly posessing a new found love for the Epilogue of Les Miserables. 

_To love another person is to see the face of God. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My atheist self loves the lyric 'to love another person is to see the face of God' and I do not know why. 
> 
> Anyway, thank-you for reading! Sorry for the slow update, but life did that annoying thing where it happened. Today is my only day off this week so I can't promise another update soon, sorrryyy :(
> 
> Comments/kudos always appreciated!!
> 
> <3


	29. A Teeny Tiny Family

_ **New Years Resolution ** _

_**(But not really)**_

_So, this was going to be a new years resolution post but then I realised that I don’t actually have any to make, and I honestly cannot be bothered to think. The Post-Christmas-Coma is still going strong. _

_Instead, I’m just going to take this moment to say thank-you._

_Thank-you for your continuous support throughout this year. It has somehow been the best and worst year of my life. I’m more than aware of the fact that I have fucked up to a degree that even I didn’t know I was capable of and even more aware of the fact that every single person reading this could have turned their back on me, but you didn’t, and I’m grateful. As much as I complain about it, I do really love writing and I’m so happy that I’m lucky enough to call it my job. _

_I know I haven’t really said anything about the whole New York Times thing, and I think that I’m going to keep it that way. It happened. It was shit. I’m moving on. I’m too happy to let it ruin another second of my life. _

_I think my Christmas being as amazing as it was was a big help in me not completely losing my mind (I lost it a little bit, I won’t lie). I got Kevin and I tickets to see Les Miserables in London (!!!) but then he went and one-upped me (obviously) and adopted a dog for us! I’m going to do a whole other blog post on the newest addition to our teeny tiny family._

_We’re a teeny tiny, happy family, and I feel very blessed. _

_I hope your holidays were as fun and enjoyable as mine! Here’s to the new year! Here’s to the future!_

* * *

**2 Years Later**

Connor returns home to a very quiet, very dark apartment. He doesn’t think anything of it. Kevin is probably just walking the dog. Stifling a yawn, he turns in the direction of his office. It had not been the productive work day he had planned: a sobbing Chris had rang him in the morning after another one of his and James’ attempts to adopt had fallen through. The two of them had been practically inconsolable. Luckily, Naba was around to assist. 

Before Connor can even get to his office, a bark announces Shakespeare's presence. Frowning, Connor turns to look at the dog who, for some reason unbeknownst to him, is wearing a bowtie. 

“What the hell are you wearing that for, Shakespeare?” Connor asks picking him up, “Don’t me wrong, you look extremely handsome, but I am ever so slightly confused,” 

Shakespeare barks at him. 

“I said you look handsome, don’t be a dick,” Connor mutters. 

“Con, come here!” comes Kevin voice. 

“Oh, you’re home?” Connor says, carefully setting Shakespeare back onto the follow, “I thought that you were - oh my god,”

Kevin is stood in the middle of the rose petal covered living room, fairy lights hanging from the walls. It had defintiley not looked like this when Connor had left that morning.

“What are you doing?” Connor asks, his voice shaky, “Are you - no, you’re not asking to - _ are you? _”

Laughing, Kevin walks forward and takes Connor by the hand, “Why don’t you just let me do the speaking, and then you’ll see if you’re doing what you think I’m doing,”

“But I-”

Kevin cuts him off by kissing him, and Connor feels himself melting into his grip. 

“Can I speak now?” Kevin asks. 

“I - yes,” Connor says quietly, “You can speak now,” 

“I could make a whole speech about how you’re my favourite person in the whole entire world and how I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone, but there’s no point, is there? Because you already know all that,” Kevin says, brushing the hair out of Connor’s eyes, “you do know all that, don’t you?”

Connor nods as a tear slips down his face, “Yes. Yes, I know all that,”

“So...it...uh...oh, god...I’m panicking,” Kevin says turning red, “So...if you...um..” he clears his throat, “If you...if you know all that then...then it shouldn’t be too much of a surprise when I ask you this...”

“_Kevin..._,” Connor breathes when he sinks down onto one knee and takes a small box out of his pocket. 

“Connor, please, babe, _ shush _,” Kevin says, “You don’t have to speak. Well, not yet anyway. In a - in a minute I sort of need you to...well...just listen,” 

He clears throat again and opens the box, revealing a slim gold band, and Connor doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t know what to _ think. _ When he’s imagined this moment - and he has, _ a lot _ \- it never quite played out like this. 

“Connor McKinley, I - I really, _ really _love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me?” 

This is met with deafening silence, because Connor doesn’t know what to say. He stares down at Kevin, who’s all wide-eyed and teary, a slight crease forming between his eyebrows.

“Oh, my god. You don’t - you don’t want to marry me, do you?” Kevin says, his arms dropping limply to his sides, the box clattering to the floor, “I - we’re on completely different wavelengths, aren’t we? Oh, no, I’m sorry, Con, I didn’t want to - I don’t want to _ force _you into marrying me, I-”

“No!” Connor says hastily, “No, Kev, I - “ he breaks off into laughter and he takes Kevins hands in his, pulling him off the floor, “Of course I want to marry you!”

Kevin frowns at him, “Then why did you - why were you looking at me like I’d ruined your entire day?”

“Because I was going to propose to you tomorrow night,” Connor says, pulling a box out of his own back pocket. He had been carrying it around with him out of fear that Kevin would find it, “I booked out an entire restaurant so that it was only us. I even did the traditional thing and asked for your parents permission!” 

“Oh,”

“Yeah, you sort of rained on my parade, love,” 

They stare at each other for a moment and then simultaneously burst into a strange combination of sobs and laughter. They fall into each other, and Connor holds onto Kevin as tightly as he can. It is at this point that Connor realises that this is forever, and he begins to cry even more.

“I still haven’t asked you,” Connor sniffles, looking up at Kevin as he slips the ring onto his finger. 

“You don’t have to. The answer is yes. The answer was always going to be yes,” Kevin says, wiping the tears out of Connor’s eyes, “I love you,”

“I love you, too,” Connor says, standing on his tiptoes to kiss him, “Do you want your ring?”

“We already looking married,” Kevin says with a giggle, holding his hand out in front of him, and then he frowns, “Wait - how does...how does it work?”

“What do you mean how does it work?” Connor asks. 

“I mean..well, who’s going to take whose name? I know Chris took James but-”

“Connor Price,”

“What?”

“Connor Price,” Connor repeats, “I’m taking your last name. I don’t want to be a McKinley anymore,”

“Good, because I _ really _ want you to be a Price,”

They marry a year later; Noah insists on being flower boy alongside Annabelle who looks as though she doesn’t really want to be flower girl. Six month old Ezra Church sleeps soundly in the arms of James whilst Chris stands besides Connor and sobs through the entire ceremony. Arnold is no better (“Honestly, you’d think it was _ him _who is pregnant!” she whispers, stroking her stomach as her husband sobs into her shoulder).

Their teeny tiny family is growing and with it, Connor's love for them. 

“How are you feeling, Mr Price?” Kevin asks him halfway through the reception. They’re sat alone at a table, enjoying a few precious minutes of solace before they’re disturbed again.

Connor leans into his husband, resting his head on his shoulder. 

“Like I’ve achieved all 11 points,” 

Kevin looks down at him and smiles, and Connor falls in love all over again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaaand, we're done!! 
> 
> I very nearly ended this very differently (and by very differently, I mean tragically) but I do love a good happy ending, and I couldn't bring myself to end it depressingly. Anyone who says that happy endings are boring/lazy/overrated are boring, lazy and overrated people. 
> 
> ANYWAY. 
> 
> Thank-you so so so so much for reading, it really does mean the whole world to me!!


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